OutofHisCloset wrote:

Here's a re-frame for you: your spouse did not buy "gay thongs" because he thought you were going to leave him.  YOU did NOT "make him" do anything. He is using that as an excuse.  He bought "gay thongs" because HE wanted them.  Do not let him make his actions your fault.  Put the agency where it belongs--on him. 

OOHC,
Seriously, thank God for you today.
Yes ma'am. You are correct!! Thank you!!!!!

My own weakness makes me ill. But you guys are pumping me up!!

Im feeling better and better today.

"She didnt think twice did she? She didnt reach out to me. No. She judged! If she really gave a shit about me she would say damn Tyurk, your post was dark and gloomy are you ok? Like many other friends did."
        Way to go, Tyurk!  You've reframed, all on your own.  Keep doing this!

Also, about your reaction to him, withdrawing and letting him take over so you look bad?  This, my dear, is what they call "topping from the bottom."  He maneuvers you into the corner and beats you up there with his lies and denials, and then, when you become depressed and can't function, or run away and flee because it's too painful to stay and be beat up by his lies and gaslighting, he takes over the chores and "shows" you how bad you are. You're reacting in a rational manner to the situation you find yourself in.  He has been herding you, just like dogs do with sheep.  
  You're also exhibiting the signs of depression, which are perfectly understandable given the abusive situation you're in.  Abuse doesn't have to be physical or even verbal abuse; it can be a pattern of behaviors, the behavioral dynamic of living with a closeted and in denial spouse.
   You should be patting yourself on the back for taking it as long as you have.  Five years is a long time!  Too long.  And your body and mind have been telling you it's enough.  No more of this sick and unhealthy dynamic.  Save yourself and your kids--they don't need to spend any more time in this unhealthy situation.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 11, 2018 2:01 pm)

JenS wrote:

Turyk, 

I wanted to comment about what's happened, as a result of this situation, to your relationship with your children.   It makes me very angry that he's taken advantage of your trauma to step into the caretaking role.   If you can manage it, I think that it is important that you re-assert yourself as the children's primary caregiver for several reasons.  They need you.  You are the stable parent.   These men are very manipulative and it's not beyond them to try to secure their relationship with the children at your expense.  Protect yourself there, too. 

JenS.

JenS,

Absolutely. I am making big changes and not letting myself sacrifice anymore time with them and making sure im the primary caregiver again as well. I cant live with myself if I dont. That guilt was horrible. And im ashamed I even became that mother. Or lack thereof. But I am not going to let it happen again. 


Thank you