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August 15, 2016 2:02 pm  #1


I just want to scream

I was married for 16yrs. have two kids 15 &12yrs. old.  I found gay porn on our home computer 10yrs ago.  He convinced me that it was some sort of virus.  Last Feb. I walked in to his home office and found him looking at porn.  I filed for a divorce in March and it became final in Nov.. 

I have taken control of my life but I still hurt.  I can't believe that the person I considered to be my best friend betrayed me so deeply.  But the hardest part is that our kids don't know.  He is still in the closet.  So I can't talk about it openly.  I so desperately want to scream.  I was 27 when we met and now I am 48!  Sometimes I just want to cry.  I just needed to say it to you guys.  I wish that I was alone experiencing this level of betrayal and am sad to see there are so many. 

 

 

August 15, 2016 3:40 pm  #2


Re: I just want to scream

I hope it helps on some level to know that you're not the only one.  I wish I could tell you what to do about the kids.  My gut says they are old enough and deserve the truth.  Chances are, since you're the one that filed, he's probably told them that it was your idea.  I hope not. 

I had a long gap like that in between my discoveries too.  He had me convinced it was a pop up for around seven or eight years before I found it all over the place again.  It will never cease to amaze me how many new people pop up all the time on this forum.  It's sad, but at the same time it proves to me that we weren't targets that were simply taken advantage of.  It shows me that this is a common practice among gay in denial spouses and it makes me feel stronger that I broke away and left his craziness behind.  If not me, it would have been someone else.  I think there are many more than people realize out there. 

Keep posting and reading.  You might even have a laugh or two reading some of the posts.  We have a pretty feisty bunch that can crack a good joke or two.  3 1/2 years post divorce and I still come here to post and read and continue gaining strength. 

For me, the more I talked about it the more it helped.  I started with a close friend and then eventually a few more. 

 

August 15, 2016 3:55 pm  #3


Re: I just want to scream

Dear Lost,

So sorry for your pain, I know it well, 30 years married, divorced almost 1, with no regrets about that. My kids are older, and pretty much know everything. What have your kids  been told? Does he have visitation? In the beginning I was so embarrassed and ashamed, and now just like SW says , every day there are new people here in the same horrible boat. I want to start screaming from mountain tops, "Hey, look at us. We are suffering and we sure as hell matter too."

 

August 15, 2016 3:58 pm  #4


Re: I just want to scream

a part of me wants him to live in the closet of self-loathing and shame; and a part of me wants him to admit it.  he has made me feel undesirable for so so long.  i was sexually abused as a child and never dated.  he was the first man, the only one I have been with (if you don't count my abuser.  it took place for 2yrs. age 5-7).  He knew about my abuse and the endless hours I spent in therapy. 

My kids would be fine if they knew.  They are very open-minded.  But I don't want them to get caught in the middle of he said/she said.  I don't want them to wonder who to believe.  I will tell them one day.  I donated every item, engagement ring, wedding band, every jewelry; he ever gave me to a nonprofit that supports the LGBT community. 

I was the perfect candidate for him to hide behind.  men have used me my entire life.  At 48, I am finally free.  thank you for your comment and support.

I have been advocate for LGBT community.  I just didn't see it in my own home, in my own bed.   And I believed him. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 15, 2016 4:00 pm  #5


Re: I just want to scream

we just told  the kids that we drifted apart.  it came as a shock to our family, friends, coworkers, everyone.  no one saw it coming, especially me!

my kids have visitation but only my 12yr. spends overnight.  my 15yr old doesn't want anything to do with him

     Thread Starter
 

August 15, 2016 9:56 pm  #6


Re: I just want to scream

Lost,
So sorry..we're about the same age...it's hard to process that after so many years they betray us.  I'm not against gay people but rather spouses that decide after 30 years to destroy their straight partner with tgt.

Somehow we have to move forward and put tgt behind us.  I know I could not have tried any harder..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 16, 2016 3:00 am  #7


Re: I just want to scream

It's strange to me how TGT becomes so important to them! We had it all and I thought were doing pretty well. True, she was less and less amorous but at least sometimes said "yes." Then, all of a sudden, she says, no more intimacy, "I don't want it anymore." Why? I know what turns her on and was careful that she always had orgasm, as did I. But some force, some idea, overcame her. And she doesn't have another lover, she's just dreaming. It boggles my mind. Now she's throwing it all away, FOR A DREAM.
 

 

August 17, 2016 10:45 am  #8


Re: I just want to scream

Betrayal...it's difficult to deal with and get on with life. My GIDXH still hasn't told his immediate family about the reason we split 3 yrs ago. I keep waiting for him to disclose and be real, but he is now back further in the closet than when he told me about his 17-25 yr relationship with a gay friend of ours. My entire 29 yr marriage was a sham, scam, farce. All the memories gone. My adult children know the truth and even though they are 'open' minded, they do not want to disclose the reason for our divorce to their friends. It is still a stigma. I have said that Pride parades make the public feel that our society is changing and more accepting, but in reality...we have a long way to go. Although this is my story now, a Str8 spouse of a bi\gay man, I so want to get beyond that label and get on with living. At 60 time is ticking away! I believe that I have to write my own story and not let the GIDXH be in control of my life now. 

 

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