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February 5, 2018 1:53 pm  #21


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Don't forget, "'Cause I Can't Make You Love Me if You Don't."


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

February 5, 2018 3:42 pm  #22


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Ellexoh: That's it!  
And Lake Breeze, last year about this time I was listening to the one you cite.  I'm past that now.  I did "what's right." 

 

February 5, 2018 5:08 pm  #23


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

OOHC - You are so right - we move on!  Some of us were stuck in our marriages wondering for so long what we could do to "make" them love us, when the answer was "nothing".  Eventually we move on and "Ain't Blue" anymore.  Good for you, OOHC.  There's nothing like a fire and bottle of wine.  Wish I could share some of that time with you!


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

February 5, 2018 5:43 pm  #24


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Lake Breeze,
  I too wish this community weren't always so "virtual." 
 Home now to the fire!
 

 

February 25, 2018 10:21 pm  #25


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

So update........  H got an apartment near the house and moved out, he will come by when necessary to do yard work and keep up with home repairs.......the last couple of weeks before he moved out he was openly going out to meet someone, apparently someone 25 years younger than him...WTF??...but insisted they were only "friends".....ill never really know.....it was heartbreaking for me to watch him walk out the door......the last 3 nights he was here we talked alot, very openly, we hugged and both cried and he did apologize and said he felt like he was destroying my life.....said he had to be alone to see if he will ever be able to be happy, that being in the role of a straight man/husband was killing him.....he swears he has never cheated on me and never been with a man physically...said that he may get out there and realize that his 'new' life doesn't make him happy either......i personally think he needs medication and therapy to deal with his other issues but maybe its just the hiding and lying that has caused all the other issues....maybe when he accepts himself as gay the other problems will go away....

So since he has left i feel numb, i have had several breakdowns but not as many as i was expecting...he has only been gone 6 days so i think i may still be in shock...i knew he was leaving and i do think he needs this time and him being out of the house has definitely been less of a weight on me....but...i miss him so much......i know that he loved me as much as he was able to over the years and i never felt unloved...but i am realizing that he was never 'in love' with me because he wasn't ever capable of loving me like that...it was more of a best friend/sister love......i mourn the loss of the relationship i thought i had, i miss the husband i thought he was....

my head is spinning a little because H seems to feel that the gay thing is only a very small part of the bigger issues he is dealing with, like depression and childhood issues......when he left he took nothing from the house except his clothes, said he didn't want to change or empty out the house.....H also wants to have a standing dinner date once a week so we can talk and stay in touch...........just wondering if anyone has any advice/opinion on my situation.

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February 25, 2018 10:49 pm  #26


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

I am sorry Beth, you must be hurting a lot and probably don't want to hear this it's a dash of cold water - I immediately felt concern over your financial situation when I read your post.    

You have a window of time in which you might be able to effect a financial separation agreement relatively easily but if he gets a boyfriend things could change really fast.   Just with the passage of a bit of time tho, things are going to change, and he is going to want more than a set of clothes.

You don't need to divorce right now but you do need to protect yourself financially.  Have you got someone who you can talk to about this?

The dinner date sounds like a good idea to me, I used to like seeing my gidex every so often, but found it was good to keep it limited in time.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

February 26, 2018 6:15 am  #27


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Only have a second right now, but absolutely agree with JK and Lynne.

 

February 26, 2018 7:07 am  #28


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Wow Beth..you got what many of did not...the apology.
But I only say that in passing..it doesn't make it any easier or solve anything no doubt..

Definely you need some time of no contact before seeing him again,..like the others my GX is a complete stranger now...not who I married...there was no amicable parting.    The day she left I felt an immediate sense of safety from the abuse..and then, inevitably, like you...the tears came.

I say no contact to spare yourself the hurt ..self compassion. And self care..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 26, 2018 9:47 pm  #29


Re: Midlife Crisis and Coming Out

Thank you all for your responses and advice..........i am concerned about the financial strain his apartment will have on us but i also feel that if he stayed any longer i would not have survived, although i love and miss him i know that him being here day after day was killing not only him but me too.....his rejection of me on a daily basis was causing me pain that was even worse than the pain of missing him.....the lease is for 18 months so that hopefully gives me enough time to get myself on steady ground and then figure out where i go from here.....

i know we both need space and the once a week dinners sounds like a nice idea right now but i also know that it could change on my end or his, but it was his idea as a way to stay somewhat connected and i am hoping it does me some good, if not then i will stop going.......

H and i were friends before we got together and i have known him since he was 23 years old, we always had a good friendship, enjoyed each others company and were very supportive of each other......i know he lied about his sexuality, he told me he has always known he was gay, but had no family support and hated himself for the feelings he had so he never acted on them and stuffed them down as far as he could and tried to forget......he said he had hoped he would die young and no one would ever find out, he didn't ever want me to know, he thought he could just leave the marriage and i would never find out but that caused me tremendous pain and confusion so he eventually told me the truth to alleviate my heartache and confusion at the way he was treating me and FINALLY so many things made sense.....i am very grateful he came clean and explained to me what he has been suffering his whole life.....i can not change the circumstances but his honesty now has helped me understand the Why?? of this whole situation.

yes i got the apology and no it doesn't make it hurt any less, i am still devastated and feel as though i have lost my past and my future, i wonder what was real, i feel very much alone and lonely but H and i are not fighting, and he is not being mean and nasty and i hope that continues, we have not discussed divorce yet and i'm sure there will be rough days ahead but for now i take one day at a time and deal with what comes........tomorrow is our first dinner, will see how it goes.

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