Lena,

A bit of a tangent from PA's thread here  but I wanted to give my opinion on Lena's words;


"..anger and I think hate."       

Try not to think about it..   Your doing what a normal rational person would do...  but these spouses are not  normal or rational.    You can get angry at them when they tell you the sky is green (insert lie here)   but they will never back down from their lie/opinion... no matter how wrong they are.   At some point they formed this very low opinion of us and maybe our intelligence.   That in itself is a scary thing.  

" I call him a good father, but is he a good father? Can you be a good father and gaslight your still wife and mother of your kids? One of my friends says, yes- he can be a good father and horrible to his wife...do you agree with that?..:

In my case my GX screamed at me  how she was a good mother...  To this day. over a year divorced, if I interact with her  she has this paranoia and may interject the good mother comment into a conversation about the kids.   In her rage she always thought if she screamed something loud enough that made it true..
Reality ; No they are not good fathers/mothers or husbands/wives..  one need only go over a straight couples house of one your kid's friends...there you will see a mother and father combining their resources (time, money, morality) for the benefit of the children.,.of themselves too but you can see really of the children.   Divorced now my kids go between 2 houses..  with parents who now must take some of those resources for themselves... it breaks my heart but I have to live.  Our kids will never know how much these selfish gay spouses screwed them here. (I don;t want them to..it would give them no comfort). In this life my kids will forever have 2 homes and all future events will be with 2 parents that cant get along.. Don't get me wrong;  my kids physiologically are so much better off in 2 happy  houses (the gay teenage house and the stable grownup house) .  But no,  no matter how well they treat the children  these spouses are not, in real true reality, a good father or mother.   They can tell themselves that , repeat it over and over, scream it...but that does not make it true.
 

Last edited by Rob (February 24, 2018 6:59 am)

Wow - Everyday I learn something new from this site and the folks who so openly share of their experiences and their journey through this mess.  Thank you Rob for your responses to this thread.  I am grateful.     
I am struck by the words "....mother and father combining their resources (time, money, morality) for the benefit of the children..." 
When one spouse is secretively using what is supposed to be time and money for the benetfit of the family for their own selfish wants without the knowledge of the other spouse, then, you are right, they are not a good parent nor spouse.   That was an eye-open perspective.  For so long I have maintained that my soon-to-be ex is a good father, but is he?   I keep telling the kids - your dad is a good father - because I never wanted to be a wife who criticized my husband to the children nor publicly.  I thought it was my duty to build him up.   Has he taken advantage of that?  
We made a joint decision for me to give up my career years ago and stay home with the children and even homeschooled for some a period of time, but his financial secrets and irresponsible decisions created a situation where I had to start getting more and more part-time work and now work full-time in a low income bracket just to make ends meet.  I was actually working and homeschooling at one point.   He wanted me homeschooling the kids, but was so irresponsible with finances and secretly supporting his habits.   So you made me realize - that no - he has not been a good father either. 
And you are also correct that our spouses took vows to not harm us.  I suppose they can blame their family or parents or abuse or addictions or general brokeness - but in the end, that doesn't change the harm and pain that their actions have caused to us.   And no, I can't imagine that God wants someone to stay in an abusive situation.   He hids behind religion - takes the children faithly to his church every week - and uses his Catholic faith and religious arguements to convince me that I am making the wrong decision.   I finally went an spoke confidentially to his priest - who actually told me I was doing the right thing.   That I entered into this marriage without full knowledge.  That was eye opening as well.  
I think it's the cognative dissonance that causes so much confusion for us all.   We get flooded with words without actions and keep thinking that actions will flow from the words but they never do, at least not consistently.  We hang onto the hope that this person we love is not selfish and will love us the way they promised.   We hang onto the few good moments, we take the scraps and bread crumbs scattered on the floor.
Thank you everyone.  

 

" In just a few words you all have helped me articulate why I am doing this.  I am doing this because I didn't get a choice many years ago and I am taking that choice back.   I get to decide if I want to live my life with a man for whom I am not the object of his affections or desires.   I get that choice.  I get to decide if I want to live with gay porn and lies.  He chose not to tell me in the beginning, now I get to choose what to do with knowing.   And I get to decide how his actions have affected me, not him.   Yes, the sad reality is that he cares more that the everyone sees him as straight then anything else in the world, especially more than me.   He just can't admit it - and you know what, it's not my problem anymore.  I guess I am starting to not care.    It makes me sad that he feels so much shame and embarrasment for his attractions but I can't fix it for him.   I can only control how I respond to the ways in which it affects me.   And the ways it has and continues to affect me are real and damn it, I am not going to let him discount it.   It's mine and it's real and its hurt and its almost destroyed me.  Anyway, thank you all for listening and for your encouragement and support.    It's helping me put one foot in front of the other...
Pam"

Pam,

Thanks for positing this. I feel you. This part especially. The choice...
If we only had the choice in the beginning. But we can still have it now. Regardless of how long its been since we found out. I thought cause it had been so long I should just stay and deal like I have been. But no. Thats not my choice. Its not what is healthy for me. Not what is making me happy. Forget everything and everyone else for once. My happiness is coming first from now on. And I wish you the same.

Love & Light
Tyurk