OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - Newbornuk
- New member
Offline
Tactics
Hi
So my stbxw and I are going to share our house in the short term to give us time to sort out the kids and the financials. What are good tactics in the short term for making this work for me.
My major worry is the times when I am at home and she is out with her new love.. how do I cope with that?
Also, should I attempt to start dating, just to take my mind off stuff or is that crazy and unfair to whoever I date?
Thoughts welcome.
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Tactics
okay so the point comes where you re-enter the dating pool. Nobody made it happen it just happens. some part of your psyche has switched gears. there's one aspect - you notice people noticing you, you're suddenly noticing people too. chemistry starts to run - The bit of you that's switched gears, last time it faced this way was before you teamed up with the ex.
I started feeling like I was 19 again in some aspects. It takes a bit of time to catch up with yourself. And it takes a bit of time for the rest of the world to catch up to you. If it's someone worth dating then it's unfair to both of you to jump the gun but on the other hand love is the one thing that is just an imperative in our lives so I think it's the most important thing. You don't need to go looking for it it mugs you as you walk along. Then you gotta abide by it. so it's okay to put your focus into looking after yourself when you can, you are getting fit again and your children will need a lot of attention from you.
When she is out with her new love? hey, you can dream of what is coming you can play with your kids or list the finances, go for a walk, and take a rest on the couch - above all you look after yourself, you care about your feelings and don't include your wife in that part of you where it hurts. detach is the word, it's a process of acknowledging that your wife is out with her girlfriend, so you need to look after your own feelings independently of her and you reach out and find the right people.
wishing you the best of luck in your future, Lily
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Sometimes that horse has already bolted. Our spouses may already be seeing someone else and that's how the whole disclosure went down. From reading here over the years, it quite often seems our spouses are racing into the dating pool long before we are. I think part of that is because they have had a longer time to come to terms with themselves and we're barely started on that road.
Generally speaking, I don't think any of us are ready to date until we have redefined ourselves in light of this new information and life experience. Also, if you must co-habituate for any period of time, there needs to be mutual respect. House rules such as 'no bringing dates home' or 'no staying out all night unless the other party is OK with that'. Equal treatment. We're not to be expected to be the built-in babysitter while they go out and paint the town. That sort of stuff that you would expect to be common-sense. Unfortunately, sometimes our spouses suddenly turn into irresponsible teenagers, like they're catching up with what they missed in their youth.
Newbornuk, when you're ready to date I think you will know it, until then I'd keep it friendly/casual. As for her activities, I'd think it best not to know too much other than to know she's a text message away in case of emergency. Take care.
Last edited by Daryl (February 17, 2018 2:07 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Newbornuk
- New member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Thanks everyone
It’s good to hear your thoughts.
I have spent all day with my brother and dad trying to work out what to do/how to live.. so I feel like I’ve got a plan
As for dating- despite downloading tinder I’m really not even in the same postcode as “ready” I will be, I’m still under 40, I’ve got all my hair.. I’ll find people to entertain me.. I always have!
As for he stbxw.. I don’t know what she will choose to do.. but I have to let her go.. because I have to kill my romantic love for her.. put it in the same coffin as the woman I knew who less than 2 months ago addressed me as the love of her life.. that girl is dead., and I’m not sure I’ll like the one who has taken her place...
More as the horror unfolds!
Newbornuk
- •
Thread Starter- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Um, er, sorry to bang on about this but I think it matters. The woman who addressed you as the love of her life knew she was a lesbian. And she was already involved in a romantic relationship with another woman, wasn't she?
What's changed between then and now? I'm going to guess that what's changed is a deepening of her relationship with the other woman who wants her to be open and admit to their love.
but the thing is, the thing is what kind of person can do that - look their spouse in the eye and say I love you when they know they don't.
We all project a bit of a persona, so I can sort of see how it happens but some people it's a whole different thing - a fake persona that does the interacting while the real person is behind it.
'It feels like you don't like me'. I lost count of the amount of times I'd say something like that and he always brushed it off, don't be ridiculous, he'd reply.
- Laurence
- Member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Dating - be careful as it might be used against you depending on the laws in your state if you are not divorced. More importantly it might be a good idea to wait until the dust settles. But at the same time I totally understand wanting to have fun. It was a revelation to meet straight women again.
Good luck !
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: Tactics
I would encourage you to delay dating until you are fully separated and have given yourself some time to heal and rebuild yourself.
I found that I changed quite a bit between the period when the divorce was pending and my ex was still in my house and the period after she moved out and left. I re-invented myself and changed in ways I didn't expect. I wouldn't have been a very good person to date for a while.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Lake Breeze
- Member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Re "the love of your life" and Lily's comment above: I was not aware that my husband was gay when he filed for the divorce, but I did know he was moving in with a man. I was completely destroyed and confused and told him so. At one point he said I should be fine and not worry, "because no matter what, you will always be the love of my life." What on earth! If I was the love of his life, why was he leaving? Lily hit it spot on with the thing about persona. My husband was (and still continues as far as I know) living a completely fake public life and I was simply a part of that and nothing more. Yes, you really do need to ask what sort of person would do this sort of thing to another human being. Actions do speak louder than words, and I certainly, as Lily mentioned, never felt like the love of his life, and any time I raised a concern, he would blow it off and tell me I was being ridiculous and not to worry.
Newborn - take some time to get your bearings a heal a bit, before even thinking about dating. Go out with friends and acquaintances; enjoy people, but give yourself a lot of room first before doing anything serious. It's only fair to you and anyone you might go out with. This is really something it takes a lot of time to get over. The craziness/crazymakingness of being the "love of someone's life" while they lie to, cheat on, and betray you every single day of your relationship from it's beginning to end. Nearly impossible to wrap your head around it as being a real phenomenon, but it is.
So sorry you are here. I do wish you good luck and all the best.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- Newbornuk
- New member
Offline
Re: Tactics
Hi- after long chats with her mum yesterday..I’m more convinced than ever that the relationship with the woman snuck up on her..
To be honest.. the dating thing is ridiculous- a short term temporary esteem boost to compensate the torment that I am in.. I won’t do anything.. I’m just absent mindedly swiping right for something to do
What is more pressing is sorting out the financial/living arrangement with the stbxw. We are in the verge of a major fight about it. I’ve had some legal advice, and I know what I have to do.. but I know it’s going to be messy. I hate her for doing this to me, but I love her for who she was/is.. and I also feel a modicum if sympathy.. basically.. I’m a fucking mess of contradictions...
Anyway.. I am strong, and I will get through it.. but she needs to start taking responsibility for her life and choices.
Btw.. is anyone else uk based or are you all American?
Newbornuk
- •
Thread Starter