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February 15, 2018 3:06 am  #1


Am I crazy?

Hi

TLDR version, my wife’s now gay, has fallen in love, I can’t afford to move out, So I’ve just joined the site as, surprise, surprise my wife has just come out to me.

Technically, I found out she was cheating on me with her new business partner/mentor (they’ve started a ceramics business) about a week ago and we’ve had days of hurt and tears and introspection and analysis of where we are. She’s been a stay st home mum since our first child was born (he’s 5) with a brief part time job before our 2nd.. but she has been lost for a while, she used to be a clothes designer, but was made redundant the day we found out we were pregnant, and couldn’t get back into it.. I never forced her to go out and work, because childcare is so expensive in the uk, that it wasn’t worth it for a dead end job, so I supported her financially, whilst she looked after the kids, with the plan that she would gradually encouraged find a vocation.. she started pottery, fell in love with her teacher and started an affair. I busted her within two weeks. She homestly has never had lesbian tendencies before meeting this woman

We’ve been together 8 years, married for 1, have two kids and own a house.. and we’ve been trying to plot a roadmap out of here...

There’s so much more to say.. but what it comes down to is this.. I love her, she’s my best friend, I need for this relationship to have mattered (and at moment, still matter) and I don’t want to go to war... but... I need to heal and move on with my life..

We’re going to have to live together for a bit, and I will have to know that she is out with her new partner in occasion.. I don’t know how I’ll cope with that..

My question is.. am I crazy to want to do everything nicely? Can this whole thing be done without bitterness? I’d appreciate any thoughts...

 

February 15, 2018 4:31 am  #2


Re: Am I crazy?

Hi Newbornuk,

In answer to your question  - no of course you're not crazy to want to do everything nicely, will it be nice, well no but there's that and there's worser so you can hope for the best.  Can it be done without bitterness - no not if you want to heal.  Think of it like cooking - how often is it that we look for the bitter taste to complete a dish.  It seems to me like mustard in a cheese sauce, to help in digestion.

When you've been hurt, it hurts.  Not much you can do about it except try and avoid more.

wishing you all the best, take your time and think it through.  your wife is not being entirely honest with you, she must have known she was attracted to women before falling in love with one - that's what has changed things,

 

February 15, 2018 5:03 am  #3


Re: Am I crazy?

Thanks lily

I like the metaphor of the cheese sauce.. I think I can see what you’re saying.. that enough nastiness will help me heal correctly. I think I know that, I had a similar break up with my first love (12 or so years ago - when I was in my mid 20s)

One thing I genuinely believe though is that my wife didn’t entertain the thought of being gay until she was in close proximity to a gay woman.. We had good sex, it was only after the birth of our second child that side of things started to dwindle.. and eventually it became a source of tension.. I think she was going through the Herero-asexual-homosexual journey.. but didn’t complete it until she met someone who opened that door..

Anyway.. who knows? I do really appreciate your reply.

Newbornuk

     Thread Starter
 

February 15, 2018 5:43 am  #4


Re: Am I crazy?

yeah.  that's it.

okay so I have to tell you it is very common to come on this board and say my wife didn't know she was a lesbian before she met her current girlfriend and it turns out it's what's called minimisation - the wife is minimising what she did to you.  'I didn't know I was attracted to women before I fell in love with one' - it's tricky because we all know that when you fall in love you learn a lot about your sexuality.  But we also all know that we knew who we were attracted to from at least teens on and numbers of gay people say they knew as young children.  so I just don't think she's saying the same thing to you as to her lesbian friends with whom she probably says a whole heap of things she doesn't say to you.

sorry.  it is a hurtful thing to take on board,  that's why she's minimising.  your view of your wife is likely to change a fair bit over the coming weeks.  it's a lot of hurt to process.  look after yourself as much as you can.

wishing you all the best, Lily


 

 

February 15, 2018 6:07 am  #5


Re: Am I crazy?

Thanks lily. Being a newbie I haven’t seen all that many posts so far ..

That’s good food for thought..

Thanks for your help.

     Thread Starter
 

February 15, 2018 9:00 am  #6


Re: Am I crazy?

Newbornuk,

A kind welcome.

Short answer;
NO...you are not crazy to want to do things kindly.    Our kindness is part of who we are.     But they have rejected that kindness.

Long answer  (Kel style):
Your post resonated with me, somewhat of a veteran here, because your situation fit exactly into "my wife turned into a lesbian recipe";  namely;

a.) stay at home mom
b.) left the work force..  we didn't ask or force them to go back to work
c.) suddenly has a friend that is gay
d.) willing to ditch year/decades of friendship, marriage,  for their "new love"

One thing missing in the recipe is your kids are younger...  I always thought they are more apt to do this when the kids are older and they themselves feel they have the right to be teenagers again..

The big thing missing is that  "gay recipe"... let's add it but we didn't know it,, NOT OUR FAULT....  is  "a same sex attraction that was always there". 

I agree with the other posts....this was always in her....  my having a gay friend would not suddenly make me like men...if you put a gun to my head i could not do it..  Even now,  free as I am to date whoever I want , I would be revolted by a gay friend coming on to me...

...back to your question though.     I was kind to a fault some would say but kind..   my now GX became cruel and abusive but I can look back now and sleep at night knowing I did not rage back at the hurt coming my way.   Some people  look  back and think "I should have said this or that  or stood more firmly"...  No that was not me... I refused to become like her.   The problem was she started  a "war" ,as you call it ,filing for divorce  but really cheating and mistreating me first.   So when my lawyer, who was paid to defend me , responded to her demands (go live on the street) with the single word ..."NO". ...she became even more abusive.   It was kinda of like me standing up for myself ..a little too little to late  but nonetheless, nonetheless I tell you,  standing up morally and legally for myself ...well it  can be like a giant brick wall being thrown at these spouses who we were kind and caring to for so so long.     

These spouses are , really ignorant in that regard...thinking we are weak because we are so so kind and love them...its a ignorant sense of honor or entitlement....I can cheat on you, hurt you and you can't stop being kind to me because that's who you are, insanely in love with me.    That may be true ...I will always act kindly ...but once she cheated and wanted a divorce.. ... the truth is they are no longer entitled to that kindness...we want to give it...but they have rejected it.         

The punchline in my story;  being abused through the entire divorce process...she was still not working.. To the dismay of my dad, lawyer,  even the SSN board here, in my kindness,  I was still paying for everything..
stuff for her new place, stuff for her girlfriend, her charge bill (with sex toys and hotel rooms on it).       The day after the divorce  (still living together but we are legally divorced) she went to pay her charge bill and I said "NO".     

It's a crazy world...we love them but they discard us and reject us... they do not want to be with us. They hurt us,   but feel they will always be entitled to our time, love, resources.   We are, to a fault some would say, moral and chivalrous,..
but its like some code of honor or love that they feel only needs to work one way..for them.

Be kind...do not change who you are..  but remember always,  this is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.      
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 15, 2018 10:23 am  #7


Re: Am I crazy?

Newbornuk wrote:

My question is.. am I crazy to want to do everything nicely? Can this whole thing be done without bitterness? I’d appreciate any thoughts...

Welcome Newbornuk, 

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  It's an awful surprise to find out your spouse is homosexual.  Especially after putting in so many years and starting a family and building a life together.  The worst part for me was the betrayal - finding out that my wife was having sex with someone else.. giving away the intimacy, the thing I coveted most and was pledged to me, to another person.  That was the worst knife in the back I could imagine.  I feel your pain my friend.  I hope we can help you get through this and move on toward a better life as quickly as possible. 

She has you convinced that she's never had any lesbian tendencies before.  It makes her less guilty right?  That means your love and intimacy was fully genuine up until a few weeks ago.  That means she wasn't a fraud or a liar for 99% of your relationship.  It's a very convenient story.   Most of our spouses tell this story to mitigate their guilt.  I hope for your sake it's true.  You will walk away with less hurt if this is the case.  

Living together for a while is common and very difficult.  Divorce generally takes some time, so you have to continue to live in the same house for a while.  I made it clear to my ex that I would not stand for her inflicting so much pain on me during that time period.. I would not allow her to continue seeing her lover while we were still married and living under the same roof.  I told her plainly that I would not stand for it.  She knew that I had some leverage in certain areas (keeping her secret for example), so she accepted my terms.  Of course I later found that she violated them, but at least I didn't know it at the time. 

Please consult an attorney to start educating yourself on divorce laws.  The best thing to do is ask what mistakes to avoid so that you don't harm yourself.  


Are you crazy to want to do it with kindness?   No. You still genuinely love her, so naturally you want to be kind to her.  I did the same.  I made a vow to her that I would show her my true love (and demonstrate it to my kids) and I promised to treat her with kindness.  I promised to never raise my voice, call her names, or swear.  I did exactly that.  We were able to go through the divorce process amicably and without using attorneys.  It was very beneficial financially for both of us to save the time and money and go through it peacefully. 
However, being kind through the divorce process does not mean there won't be bitterness.  I would actually say through my own experience that being kind caused me to be more bitter.  She continued to take advantage of me, lie to me, cheat on me and hurt me.. and I held it all in.  I never truly expressed the pain she was causing me or the anger that was growing inside me.  All that emotion and anger burned inside me for a long time and was slow to diminish because there was no outlet for it.  I'm 18 months out and I still wish I could go back in time and scream at her and tell her what a horrible person she was to me and how awful her actions were.  

I suppose this experience is different for everyone.  I know some straight spouses who love their husband/wife so much that they want them to embrace their true self and support them moving on to a happier life.  Those people can honestly be both kind and steer clear of bitterness.  I know other straight spouses who's anger and bitterness overcomes them and they become imprisoned by the pain and anger for years and years.  

There is so much to talk about..  we're just scraping the surface.   Stick around.. post as much as you like.. ask questions, read other posts and stories..  we'll help you get through this. 



 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

February 15, 2018 11:00 am  #8


Re: Am I crazy?

Thanks Phoenix

I’ve been skulking round the site for a couple of days and I’ve found your posts very helpful.

In fact, thank you everyone for their perspective- however harsh - it is good to have different opinions from my rose tinted glasses.

Confession time. I make television documentaries in the uk, and have made several where lgbtq people featured prominently, so I have immersed myself in that world. I would describe myself as an ally, so I’m always going to be someone who tries to have empathy with her situation.

It is good Phoenix that you have seen people embrace their exes status, as that’s what I want to do.. however, I need to heal and the question is whether both of those things can happily co-exist... she knows she set a bomb off in my life and is a mess like me. She’ll get over it quicker as she has a new exciting love to follow, whereas I fluctuate between bereft and ok..

I dunno, am off to see my family back home )we live away from most of them) this weekend, and seeing an attorney, but from our exploratory chats we possibly have different views on our finances (which are tight, before this even started)

Anyway, am going to try being nice, and adult as my wife and I are both from divorced parents and it was awful for both of us. If we can avoid the bitterness of our parents (which hurt us a great deal) hopefully our kids won’t have the trauma we did.

And I’ll stick around.. this is just the first few steps and I’m sure people’s experiences will give me food for thought on my own...

     Thread Starter
 

February 15, 2018 3:06 pm  #9


Re: Am I crazy?

yes, you are just exactly thinking right about this - my advice is please pain relief first.  Healing matters most.  you must stand foursquare on your own side.

the preponderance of straight spouses are gay friendly - not surprising I suppose.

I watched something on the telly the other day, oh I remember, Australian celebrity survivor and there was this UK royal family commentator in the jungle and he shares the story of his marriage break up and re-marriage to another man.  Oh,the sympathetic response, oh what a lovely story and no one mentioned the wife.  Including him.  Actually you could tell he felt a bit guilty, he squirmed a bit and said he only got married in the first place because the queen suggested it to him, but no one took him up on that - a free pass.  No one says why did you marry a straight, everyone says why did you marry a gay.

and it hurts.  

why did you marry a gay?  because you didn't know.  

You can't go against the flow of current opinion, there's no point in getting upset about it, but it still hurts.  And for you in particular your career is in the middle of it.  I think you are right to sit back and have a good think about it all first.

The bright news is your family will be naturally supportive.  If you can talk to them you will find it brings a lot of emotional comfort to have their support - they will share your feelings, it affects them too.

From my experience as both daughter and wife there are worse things than divorce.  horrible as it is to go through, it is better sooner than later and better later than never because a longterm emotionally abusive relationship is even worse.  

 

 

February 15, 2018 7:55 pm  #10


Re: Am I crazy?

I think a lot of us here are lgbtq friendly. It's not about that, it's about choices a specific person makes. Choices to cheat, to lie, to cover up, to gas-light and so on. Can you separate nicely? It depends on the choices that both of you make in the near term. I think you are about to find out how much your spouse respects you as a significant person in her life and father to her kids. Remember to save a little empathy for yourself.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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