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Sat Feb 10 11:24 pm  #11


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

andrea,

But doesn't your mom need you?    You are worth more than you know.   While I long to see the face of God it is not my/your time yet..  I have kids on this earth and they will need me when they are in trouble.  There are people everywhere  that will need you ...you just have not met them yet.
These cheating and discarding spouses of ours are just not worth it....they discard so quickly because they lack morals and integrity.   They are incapable of true love.. They are not worth the fierce love we gave..

You feel lost,   for now.    You feel worthless and abandoned, for  now...    but it is only a season,     You will get through the season.. it cannot last forever...it does not.    Call that number...you are worth it.

a big e-hug
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Sun Feb 11 12:19 am  #12


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Of course mom needs me. I wouldn't think of leaving her all alone. The pills were for after she dies. I am the only family member that visits anymore. After you have been discarded everyone else has a life and your weekends are free to spend in hospice all day. And go home to an empty house with no one to talk to about the pain and suffering you saw all day. So I stay up all night and cry. I have no intention of ending up in a nursing home like her. My husband promised he would end my life if I developed the disease. But lets face it- he wont be around. He will likely be partying with a 20 something year old. That's why I have to advance plan for myself. In addition to my lack of hope general sadness and miserable daily existence I have the death of both of my parents and even my cat to face alone. This was not what I signed up for. I don't think wanting a painless exit is such a grievous sin.

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Feb 11 12:40 am  #13


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Not a sin.  But you seem to be suffering from depression.  Of course who wouldn’t under the circumstances?  I suggest a new therapist and perhaps some medication to help you through this most difficult time.  Your perspective is skewed right now.  You have lost hope.  Hope exists out there.  You just need to see it.  Spending all day in hospice and crying all night will not get you where you need to go.  Self care is important right now.  Take up a hobby, join a support group.  You need to seek outside yourself for a while to lift up your perspective.  There is beauty and life left for you.  I fully support assisted suicide.  It’s for terminally ill people.  You are not terminally ill.  You are depressed.  I hope you find a way out of the darkness to the light that is definitely there. 
All the best.

 

Mon Feb 12 12:57 pm  #14


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

There is already much good advice in this thread.   I don't have much to add.  However, I note that many of us have been depressed and overwhelmed post disclosure.  I know I used to pray for the pain to stop so that I could just get back to focusing on my kids - I'd pray for that not so long ago.   TGT does make other difficult events (like caregiving) seem harder and worse.    I agree that you should speak to your family doctor and also consider getting a referral to a therapist or support network.  Sometimes we need to talk to another person to untangle our thoughts and examine them so that we can see our situation differently.  I don't know your spouse, but I know that sometimes these gay spouses prefer us tired, worn out and weak because we are easier to control in that state.   Self-care is key to surviving this, so please do something today for yourself.  

Last edited by JenS (Mon Feb 12 12:59 pm)

 

Mon Feb 12 1:51 pm  #15


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

I know all of this is so very difficult to process but don't let him win. Depression can be fixed, suicide cannot.
I know that I have felt so low that I would pray that it would all end but soon realize I have too much to see and do yet. It's not going to be any easy journey but we are all so much stronger than we realize!


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

Mon Feb 12 3:18 pm  #16


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Andrea,

What you're saying is that some people just aren't able to get over a big hurt like this, and are therefore not capable of being anything but miserable, and should therefore be able to opt out of a life of pain since it's all that awaits them. Have I got that right?

Now,.... WHY is that your truth?  Because your trying so far has not yielded you the results you expected by now, so you therefore assume that it never will?  Who put this time limit on you?  Where did you come up with the arbitrary length of time from? What if I told you that in another two years, or two months, or two weeks, or two hours, that you'd feel differently?  Would you be able to wait it out?  Of course you would.  You're deciding that since it hasn't improved a certain amount by now, it's never going to, and it is therefore hopeless and you can either get used to feeling this way or opt out.  Dealing with grief doesn't work that way, though.  It's not incremental in that you'll see 1% of improvement per day, and when you stop seeing that, you're at the end of your improvement.  It's like any other wound - in the beginning it's raw and new and painful. And then you see that it's closing. It can continue along that way, or something can happen - it could pop open at one point and become infected.  And so you have to take antibiotics and baby it all over again.  At different times it may be so itchy that it's driving you insane.  And then it no longer looks new, but it's raised and pink and obvious - to both you, and to everyone around you.  And it seems to stay that way forever.  You think it's what you'll have to live with.  And then one day, you turn around, and the scar is white and flat and barely noticeable.  You wonder when that happened - you didn't see it getting better, really.  It didn't look to be slowly changing over the years.  But it did.  And now you can only see it if you look for it - the scar that at one point looked so horrific and angry.

You are putting an arbitrary amount of time on your healing.  You are undoubtedly further along in your healing than you were the day you found out, though.  And that will continue to happen.  But you have to FIGHT.  You have to tell yourself that you do NOT like the place you're in, and you will keep swimming toward the surface because your lungs need air.  It is not an option to just start breathing in the water unless you want to give up everything else good that life has to offer.  EVERY sunrise, EVERY bird chirp, every cool side of the pillow, every taste of chocolate cake, the scent of fresh strawberries or clean sheets, the scent of a baby's head, a child's smile, the sound and scent of rain in the middle of the summer.  The feel of wet sand under your feet.  You don't JUST opt out of the pain, Andrea - you opt out of all of the wonderful things, too.  Is it ALL worth giving up, just because ONE.PERSON treated you like dirt?  THEY get to decide if you get to experience the things that you were meant to enjoy and appreciate?  THEY get to determine if your life is worth living?  They get to determine your worth, and your entire future?  Why do they deserve that after what they've done to you???

This is your life, Andrea.  And only you can decide that it's worth fighting for.  You seem convinced that you cannot have any of those wonderful things now, because you are not capable of enjoying any of them in the void that you're in.  But you can decide to step out of it, too.  You can decide to hell with that void - fuck the void - I'm choosing to feel snow on my tongue or grass under my feet or the fur of a loving animal.  YOU get to decide that a million little wonderful things are still worth experiencing - just for the simple joy of them all.  Only you, Andrea.  And only you can convince you that you should keep going so that you get to smile again someday.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Mon Feb 12 6:11 pm  #17


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

As usual, Kel is spot on.  Please don’t give up.  Don’t let him win.  Fight for all the good things that life has to offer.  Where there is life there is hope.  Stay with us.  See another sunrise and think about what you love about the world, yourself.  You sound like a caring and giving person.  Be that person for yourself.

 

Tue Feb 13 9:51 pm  #18


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

Andrea, your reply to "Wrecked" saved me today!!
You are needed on this earth to carry out God's will. Pray - ask Him to show you the way into His Peaceful Presence.
If you are still living with your abusive / angry spouse find a way to block the damage he is inflicting on you. I would just shut down my mind and silently repeat "Come Holy Spirit". Somehow this kept his anger at bay. I could hear him but his words did not get through to harm me.
I also took up hiking, it gave me a reason to go to bed early and get out of the line of fire. I would get up early and hike. Sometimes I was crying so hard I couldn't take another step but being in nature seemed to help. Other times I would hike for hours because I was so angry. It is a great therapeutic outlet.
You were my strength today! Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.
The Best Is Yet To Come!!
 

 

Wed Feb 14 10:11 am  #19


Re: Can some People not mend and have permission to end

2naive wrote:

Andrea, your reply to "Wrecked" saved me today!!
 

Andrea, 
Do you see that you have an opportunity to use your experience to help others?  You don't have to do it, but you do because you are kind and compassionate.  In the act of helping others through even as little as a few kind words you are redeeming your experience and finding a purpose.  Having a purpose makes life worth living.  

Will you join me and the rest of our friends on this forum in supporting our current and future straight spouses?  There are so many more to come in the near future.  Our ranks are increasing exponentially and the amount of pain and suffering continues to overflow.  We can be here to help.  I'm asking you to keep on going with your life, despite the pain you are suffering currently.  I can tell you that it gets better with time.  I can also tell you that having a purpose or goal to help others makes life much better.  You have an opportunity to touch lives and help others survive their darkest nights.. please don't extinguish your light. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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