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February 13, 2018 4:35 pm  #1


How is it possible...?

I'm sorry if I post too much and just jibber-jabber, but I want to try and understand how it's possible for us (me and the bi/gay in denial husband) to have such a good time together? We have a boat and do a lot of off-shore fishing...I love it! I am not afraid to reel etc yet be all girl at night. We even have a good time when it's just the two of us hanging out at the house. YET, he is constantly looking for hook-ups with men in clubs or wherever!!! I just don't get it. He says he is bi, seems to love having sex with me but I'm really starting to wonder. 
All I can think about is this situation. I'm trying hard to work on my new business but my mind is not into it. 
Sorry for the language but I'm FUCKING pissed! It's not fair that I have to go through this. It's not fair to any of us that are dealing with this situation. I'm such a mess!


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

February 13, 2018 4:45 pm  #2


Re: How is it possible...?

Dear Roo:

You described the whirlpool that I've been stranded in for the past ten years.  There are those moments to where we thoroughly enjoy each other...then TGT seems to fall to the wayside.  Unfortunately, our marriage is haunted.  We can't see the ghost but there are clues of it's presence....  H messaging with gay men, comments he makes, his reactions to certain films surrounding men not being able to be accepted for who they are....  H is over-all an unhappy person. 
Does compatibility erase the lack of feeling safe in a relationship?   

 

February 13, 2018 5:10 pm  #3


Re: How is it possible...?

Roo wrote:

I'm sorry if I post too much and just jibber-jabber...

 


It's far better to *jibber-jabber*....than to keep it all inside.

Me?....I have a plaster I'm slowly pulling off. When it becomes too painful...I back off 
and leave it, I even think..."maybe I can live with it half-stuck down/half-pulled off" 
but then it itches, or bothers me so I go back to picking at it again. 
It might take me years to sort this bandaid/plaster/crutch out! and often I think about what others think of 
me.....and how they must think I'm denying the inevitable
...but then I remember this is my journey...not theirs
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (February 13, 2018 5:24 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

February 13, 2018 7:00 pm  #4


Re: How is it possible...?

I know I am not the same person I once was and I'm becoming very cynical. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

February 13, 2018 7:12 pm  #5


Re: How is it possible...?

Roo wrote:

I know I am not the same person I once was and I'm becoming very cynical. 

​Me too.  I don't even like the person I've become.  I feel like one of our problems -- all of us in this group -- is that we were so blindsided, because we're such good people that it would never occur to us to suspect others of being deceitful.  We're the ones projecting on to them, all while they're projecting their insecurities and duplicity on us.

​The problem wasn't that we were naïve.  The problem was that we were decent.  So naturally we assumed our spouses were decent, too.  And in some ways, there was decency to be found and we focused on that part and ignored the warning signs -- or at least I did, I shouldn't speak for everyone.
 

 

February 13, 2018 8:20 pm  #6


Re: How is it possible...?

The "bi" thing is really confusing.  To many of us, it means, "I am attracted to members of both sexes".  At it's core, that's true.  But what we miss is that they're NOT saying that they're attracted to both men and women equally.  We figure it's a 50/50 thing.  That the sexual temperature they feel for women they find attractive and men they find attractive is the same.  But that's not necessarily true.  Let me liken it to something different and see if maybe it makes more sense.

Say you're a white female.  It's assumed that you're sexually attracted to white men.  You may or may not be attracted to non-white men.  Technically, if you're attracted to ONE non-white man, you could say that you're attracted to both white and non-white men.  But....... what if 98% of the men you find attractive are white, and you ALSO find Will Smith and Mario Lopez attractive?  Does that mean that you can now say that you find white men AND non-white men attractive?  Or is it just those two non-white men that you find attractive?  If you were dating, would you then put on your profile that you're open to white men, Latino men, and black men?  Likely not.  You'd see the two non white men as the exception to the rule - not the new rule.  And if you might find a few non-white men attractive but would never consider dating them anyway (for whatever reason), then are you really open to anything but white men?

Now let's go back to bi with regards to sexuality.  You're assuming that your husband means that he finds some members of both sexes attractive romantically.  Except maybe what he really means is that 98% of the time, he's attracted to men, but..... he can get excited over a female occasionally.  Or, that occasionally there's a woman that will get a rise out of him.  Now you'd be tempted to think that maybe YOU are the exception to the rule - that maybe you're the 1 or 2% of the females that gets his engine running.  How complimentary!  You must be one special woman to make that category.  Suddenly you feel complimented by being chosen.  But what if what he really means is that men ring his bell 100%, and women only 2%.  That on a scale of 100, no matter how good the sex with you is, it's always low on the scale of what truly fulfills him.  NOW you'd understand why he'd be looking for men.  Because he's not getting much satisfaction from being with a female, despite looking excited and even sexually reacting that way.  Most of us have had this kind of interaction with someone in our straight lives.  We have been able to have sex with someone that we feel almost lukewarm about.  Or we've had lukewarm sex with someone that we've really liked.  Could we handle an entire lifetime of that?  Would it be enough for us?

He may very well love you.  Maybe that's platonic.  Maybe it's more.  As for me, if I'm not enough for my partner (this doesn't mean he's blind - but rather that he's not shopping for other sexual experiences with others), then he's not the one for me.  THAT is what Iiiiii need - to be enough.  To have all of someone's heart and passions.  If they're shopping for that from someone else, then I'm out.  Only you can decide if it's enough for you.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 13, 2018 8:21 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 13, 2018 9:22 pm  #7


Re: How is it possible...?

You're right, Kel, there's a real range of experiences.  And realistically, if a bi person wants to get married, that's a built-in uncertainty -- whichever gender you marry, there's always the issue that your marriage will force you to give up the other gender, forever.  Because that's what fidelity involves.

​When I got married, I fully expected my husband to give up other women.  I have said this before -- but cheating is cheating is cheating.  Even if he knew he was attracted to men, he should have been prepared to give that up for life.  Not sure this makes sense -- it's the night before Valentine's Day, and I've had a glass of wine already.

 

February 14, 2018 12:16 pm  #8


Re: How is it possible...?

Thank you Kel. 
I honestly don't know how long my husband had been getting together with men. I know it's been at least 4 years according to the little 'story' he posted on one of the gay hook-up sites. It was dated 11/2014 and it started out as "For some time now I wanted to know what it was like to suck a *ock ......". And the way it went, he started out giving this man a BJ and then, even though he was unsure he wanted this, it progressed into full-blown anal sex and also turned into a 3-way. I guess apparently he is addicted to this kind of sex now. Yet, he still wants to have sex with me. It's all so overwhelming. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

February 14, 2018 6:43 pm  #9


Re: How is it possible...?

I’m not the same person I was either, and I would never wish this on anyone, or want to ever do it again, but in many ways, I think I’m a better version of myself. I’m so much stronger and wiser, and truly grateful that I was able to get out.

 

February 14, 2018 7:31 pm  #10


Re: How is it possible...?

Roo, I too have great times with my husband. Prior to me discovering TGT I thought we were happy. Been married 43 years, brought our retirement home in FL, boating on weekends, new friends, everyone loves my husband. He is a good guy, took care of me for 2 years when I was sick. And now I feel so dumb, it takes courage to divorce and it takes courage to leave. As bizarre as this is, I still love him and I knew he loves me. I feel bad and compassion for him when he breakdown and cries, afraid of losing me. But I know w/o a doubt he will continue with this risky behavior, we could makeup and have a honeymoon period but he will return to his ways. And now I have no sexual desire for him, absolutely NONE. He wants me to peg him, who would he be thinking of during this act??? 

I never thought I would be on a site for this. But I am so thankful for all the support and insight i receive here.

Roo, good luck to you, we are going to be OK and we are going to be happy again.

Onward.
Always, cindy

 

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