Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

February 8, 2018 8:24 pm  #1


This is my first time here.
We were together 19 years. I thought he had mental problems, an alcohol problem, and so on. I have been trying to help him with every ounce of time, energy, money, understanding and forgiveness. I have been trying make him happy in every way. The more I gave, the more he became a selfish child. Somehow I was too stupid to pick up on the clues right in my face. He is a deeply closeted gay man and taking it out on me with his angry attacks on me. I finally filed a police report for Domestic Violence due to the emotional trauma he was subjecting me to. When the court gave me 6 days to pack his things after the Sheriff evicted him, I found all I needed to know he is gay. I strongly suspect he has been in a homosexual relationship with his "best friend" for many years. I feel so stupid and ashamed. My life is in ruins. I pray and cry all day. I am still in shock after weeks of my confirmation. I have a restraining order against him because he became violently angry so there has been no contact. I feel like my best friend died but I still have to see him in court. I am so confused.

Last edited by 2naive (March 4, 2018 12:01 pm)


February 8, 2018 9:10 pm  #2

Re: Wrecked

Thank you so much for your support. I am sorry to hear you know what this feels like too.
Also thank you for the advice and encouraging words.
I pray we all find some relief of this hellish burden.

     Thread Starter

February 8, 2018 9:44 pm  #3

Re: Wrecked

Hi 2naive - I too have been in the same place as you not as violent I had been married for 15 years and been with my husband for 20 years....... Last year he came clean a week before our wedding anniversary.  He lived a double life for 5 years, he made his lovers part of our lives and webbed them into his lies, he had become ok with all the lies he was telling and the false life he was living,  please don't feel like you are stupid or be ashamed you are not stupid anfd have done nothing wrong for loving a man who you thought he was.... And yes your right the more you give the more they take its all about them you know.....
Its about your husband standing up and taking responsibility for his action and making a decision to live the life he wants to and  being true to himself.

You now need to take care of you...
Start living the life you want to live without him in it, yes you lose your best friend and it hurts like hell and you are left feeling confused and thinking was my whole life a lie & why would he lie to me after all the years of friendship together.  But trust in all everyone on this site will say as it does get better and easier... It has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and would never want anyone else to go through it but sadly there will be another husband or wife who has hurt their partner due to being Gay or just not being true to themselves.

I feel for you and if I could I would reach out and give you a big hug...... I spent weeks lost and lonely after he left and now gathering my life together seems like he gave me a gift to start again.... 
Keep posting here if you need support, there are some lovely people here who have helped and supported me at a time when I needed it.

You take care of yourself you are not alone....


February 13, 2018 10:07 am  #4

Re: Wrecked

Same here. You were not naive. These men are masters at lying and manipulating. I think in part they believe their lies that's why it's so easy for them. They also can split and live two lives with no internal conflict. I'm relieved you were granted a restraining order. You don't need fear for your safety on top of the personal hell you have been given. Wish I knew how to stop the hurt. Don't have that answer right now. But others say it will get better. Congrats on taking the first step. Removing yourself from the abuse. That was very brave.


February 13, 2018 9:28 pm  #5

Re: Wrecked

Thank so very much for your insight and kind words. Your understanding and positive reply has made me feel so much better. You helped me get through today when I really needed someone who knows the right thing to say. Several friends I told were shocked (as expected) and have not bothered to call and check on me. I feel so alone. I feel like they don't want to get any of my mess on them. Their silence makes it seem as though they are gossiping and judging me.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult situation too. I hope you find strength and peace. Thanks Again!

     Thread Starter

February 13, 2018 11:07 pm  #6

Re: Wrecked


I wouldn't say they were gossiping so much as they don't know what to say or how to handle TGT...its really beyond peoples expertise or experience..TGT is hard on every one.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 14, 2018 4:07 am  #7

Re: Wrecked

2naive - sometimes you just find out who your friends are. Years ago when my first gay ex was arrested for something terrible I had to explain it to my friend (we had been best friends all through school and remained friends after) who had called to check we could come for dinner. She knew I was in shock and devastated, I remember telling her “I really need a friend right now”. Know what? She didn’t call again. We have barely spoken since, she just didn’t care I guess.

This time around with a second GID/CD ex my much more recent friend has stuck by me every step of the way, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.

It’s not you, it’s them, good friends check up on each other.

Use us for now, that’s why we’re all here, to help each other.


February 14, 2018 10:02 am  #8

Re: Wrecked

Welcome 2naive. 

I'm so sorry you have had to go through such an awful experience.  I know how much it hurts.  I commend you for taking action to call the police, that was very brave.  

Please don't feel stupid or ashamed of yourself.  I think we all struggle with that, but we shouldn't.  We loved the person we were presented. Love is something that is inherently optimistic so we think the best of the person we are in love with.  We don't imagine that they are a fraud because we aren't looking for it.  We're not supposed to look for it.  We cannot think less of ourselves for not seeing the truth.  We were deceived by professional liars who have spend their entire lifetime protecting their secret.  

Anyway..  Welcome to the group.  Glad to have you here.  Let us know how we can help. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum