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February 10, 2018 9:04 am  #1


That was Then and This is Now

I've been married a little over 30 years.  That is a very long time.  I choose to look at TGT as an opportunity as opposed to a crutch, I choose to not put myself into the mindset of a victim...to me that will do no good what-so-ever.  What can I learn from this experience?  Where can I move on to from here?  How can I grow?  How can I learn to recognize in a future person similar traits so that I can avoid them like the plague?

The hardest part has been abandoning the good times that H and I shared.  There were many throughout the years...enough to overrule some of the selfish, rude, inconsiderate, anger and nasty that he projected.  It's funny, my mind goes to the better occasions often and there's this crazy part of me that struggles to hold on but the truth is, that was then and this is now. 

Marriage should be a safe place.  The person on the other side of the table should want to be there with a 100% investment.  Who he is to my face should be who he is behind my back.  I should be his number one priority.  The fact is, I am not, our marriage is not and the love I remember does not match the truth of what it was.
 

 

February 10, 2018 11:54 pm  #2


Re: That was Then and This is Now

"..Marriage should be a safe place. ..."

Yes... when you come home and shake with trauma at the betrayal and covert lies  or in physical fear...  No, that is not
marriage.. it is not even a bad roommate...it is abuse...in-humane..  Diabolical and malevolent evil some would say.  

The day she left ..yes I was sad... but it felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off my chest..  I felt ...safe.     

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 11, 2018 3:35 am  #3


Re: That was Then and This is Now

detour wrote:

I've been married a little over 30 years.  That is a very long time.  I choose to look at TGT as an opportunity as opposed to a crutch, I choose to not put myself into the mindset of a victim...to me that will do no good what-so-ever.  What can I learn from this experience?  Where can I move on to from here?  How can I grow?  How can I learn to recognize in a future person similar traits so that I can avoid them like the plague?

The hardest part has been abandoning the good times that H and I shared.  There were many throughout the years...enough to overrule some of the selfish, rude, inconsiderate, anger and nasty that he projected.  It's funny, my mind goes to the better occasions often and there's this crazy part of me that struggles to hold on but the truth is, that was then and this is now. 

Marriage should be a safe place.  The person on the other side of the table should want to be there with a 100% investment.  Who he is to my face should be who he is behind my back.  I should be his number one priority.  The fact is, I am not, our marriage is not and the love I remember does not match the truth of what it was.
 

Detour,

Thank you. I needed to see this right now. I feel exactly the same. Its so hard to let go when the good times have outweighed the bad. I am trying my best. Good luck to you.

 

February 11, 2018 7:17 pm  #4


Re: That was Then and This is Now

Thank you for your post. I needed to read this today. After 43 years of marriage, I have discovered my husband's Gay Life this past month. I do not want to hate him and he is still in denial. However, I know the truth. At 63 years old, I really don't have the time to be angry or bitter. I choose not to look at the past 43 years of my marriage as a lie. I choose to remember the good times, and raising 3 children and enjoying my grandchildren. I do love this man, and always will. But this "marriage" is over and I have to find a new life for myself. I hope I can skip the anger, the bitterness, but I know the pain may last for awhile.........

I wish you the very best.
Always, cindy

 

February 12, 2018 1:59 am  #5


Re: That was Then and This is Now

Marriage should be safe and honest, take the time to find you again, then turn your life into happy. Don’t rush to find another relationship, grow, nurture and take care of you. The anger and hurt will be there, it can’t be avoided, you can choose to stay a victim, or you can take a new direction....I vote for the new direction, make life about you, not about what happened.

 

February 12, 2018 3:43 am  #6


Re: That was Then and This is Now

Wow, funny how sometimes this forum is so on track with what is coming up for me.  I just was feeling sad remembering the good times.  I miss my GIDX terribly at times.  It ended badly and I outed him to all.  He will never forgive me which feeds my anger at the fact that keeping his painful secrets at a time when he was taking his new GF home to what felt like my family home (the ex-inlaws).

I know that he is poisonous now, ready to hurt me if I contact him with a sort of smugness as he is playing straight with a new GF who knows his history and he doesn't want to be/live a gay life, but perhaps is bi.  These debates play on my mind.  What is his "status" when really I should just accept that for me, his status is GONE for good.   The good of all....especially me.  But on lonely winter nights it feels harder.  

 Whatever the good in the past, it is actually past. I must move on and create my happiness, but I mourn my loss.  And it is taking a long time to get past my grief.  I am now 18mos post divorce and three years post disclosure after 27 years of marriage.  My hats off to all of you here.  We are strong.  This is tough.  Investing in a relationship and marriage and finding that your partner was not equally invested is so painful.  

Thanks for posting here peeps.  Keep up the sharing.... it helps so many.  

 

February 12, 2018 5:32 pm  #7


Re: That was Then and This is Now

Detour, thanks so much for your perspective.  Are you still together?  I'm still trying to figure out what I should say to my husband.

 

February 13, 2018 1:32 pm  #8


Re: That was Then and This is Now

Leah,

He is the one that should be looking for your forgiveness.
But it will not happen.

He put you in this position and betrayed profoundly.
I don't understand why it is okey to say about spouse betrayal if same sex orientation was not involved, but then in the opposite situations, we are not allowed to say why the marriage broke? Why we have to think about those spouses feelings and keep them save, when they did not consider our feelings and well being at all?

I did not out him to everybody, but I feel I have right to say my story to the closest people to me and I did.

Those spouses are responsible for our emotional rollercoaster, our our distrust, low self esteem...
We have to rebirth again and it is not an easy process.
I try to picture myself in worse situation to let me go through the day,but it does not always work.
It is difficult to put everything in the past...
But I know I have to move on.
And I do it slowly. A lot of things happened in between that showed me I matter nothing to him.
I filed for the divorce.

 

February 14, 2018 3:37 pm  #9


Re: That was Then and This is Now

JenS,

It is still complicated on my side.
We still technically live together, however he is not that much around.
He was a good father and is and kids love him, but they noticed that daddy is not that much around anymore. He always puts himself first and he likes to run the show his way.

Because of what he have done to me and his latest behaviour and actions towards me (since I voiced a need for divorce), and him not fulfilling his financial obligations towards our family and not following our agreement regarding his other life and kids involvement in it till we divorced, is what makes me to not trust his best intensions.
I want him to be in their lives, but I want him to be ethical, have morals and be a good example to them.
So far he lost me with those above.
He forced my hand.

How they are coping? They used to a new routine, without him being that much around as he used to. But that is his desicion not mine.
They know that it is not going well between us and we may brake up, but that final word was not used yet.
I filed for divorce recently, so the most difficult phase is in front of them.
Everything is going slow, maybe it is good for them.

Last edited by Lena (February 14, 2018 6:48 pm)

 

February 14, 2018 4:32 pm  #10


Re: That was Then and This is Now

walkbymyself wrote:

Detour, thanks so much for your perspective.  Are you still together?  I'm still trying to figure out what I should say to my husband.

Yes, we are still together.  This has felt like living in limbo for a very long time now.  So much of my time was spent in a constant state of "what if he decides he no longer wants to be with me...." but now the question has become, "do I really want to be with him?'

I really don't believe anyone could be more disconnected.  Our married life is pretty sad.  I look at him and feel indifference.  I am here and he is there...an invisible wall is between us.  The bottom line is that one person can not do all of the work in the relationship, one person can not fix something that they had no part in breaking...it is an impossible situation. 

I have no problem with a person questioning their sexuality it is when they cheat, lie, break vows, put all of their time and energy into that dual life while their spouse is left wondering, "what the heck," well, that is unacceptable.  All of us deserve better.  We were not put here to be anyone's safety net...
 

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