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Sat Feb 10 3:58 pm  #1


How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

I originally posted this over in the support section, but the advice was so much geared towards protecting myself and lawyering up.  I’m just not there yet, I want this to work, my heart is broken, but I’m not ready to move on.  Any thoughts are welcome

My best friend and wife of 20 years (17 married) has recently experienced intense feelings for another woman, feelings she has never felt for me or anyone else in 37 years. We married in 2001 after dating for 3 years.  We were community college students back then and over the years she became a dentist and I supported her through it all as a teacher.  When we had our second child she was pursuing the purchase of her own dental practice.  She asked me if I would support her by staying home with the kids and helping out with the business.  For three years now I have been a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) while also supporting her career.  I even recently began working in the practice while our son is at preschool, our daughter is in 1st grade.  I have been supporting my wife’s career and dreams for the past 10 years and our lives are completely intertwined.  I set aside my career to support hers and it has become a major part of my life, happiness, and identity.  I love this woman with my entire being. I love our family, the challenges we overcame together to get here.  I love this life!

We tossed around the possiblity of an open marriage, then I reeled that back because I wasn’t being authentic. Last week we had a couples counseling session that ended on a hopeful note, we even had amazing sex that night.  Today I was scheduled for a vasectomy that I scheduled long before any of this came to light.  On the way to the appointment she questioned whether I should go through with the procedure because she now believes that she will not be my wife much longer. I went through with it anyway because I’m done having children, but I laid there weeping through the entire procedure.  I’m home now contemplating all of this and in all honestly if it weren’t for the kids I would probably end it.   That’s not an option though.  I don’t want them to grow up fatherless. 

She talks about buying a second house and me still working for her, taking care of the kids and all the supportive stuff that I did before, but without the sex and the connection that made it all worthwhile.  I would do anything to salvage this relationship.  She says that she deserves to feel the feelings she had with that woman and that all of this is more important than us.  I’m not in her shoes so I can’t understand.  This is my hell!

 

Sat Feb 10 8:03 pm  #2


Re: How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

Brett wrote:

I originally posted this over in the support section, but the advice was so much geared towards protecting myself and lawyering up. I’m just not there yet, I want this to work, my heart is broken, but I’m not ready to move on. Any thoughts are welcome

My best friend and wife of 20 years (17 married) has recently experienced intense feelings for another woman, feelings she has never felt for me or anyone else in 37 years. We married in 2001 after dating for 3 years. We were community college students back then and over the years she became a dentist and I supported her through it all as a teacher. When we had our second child she was pursuing the purchase of her own dental practice. She asked me if I would support her by staying home with the kids and helping out with the business. For three years now I have been a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) while also supporting her career. I even recently began working in the practice while our son is at preschool, our daughter is in 1st grade. I have been supporting my wife’s career and dreams for the past 10 years and our lives are completely intertwined. I set aside my career to support hers and it has become a major part of my life, happiness, and identity. I love this woman with my entire being. I love our family, the challenges we overcame together to get here. I love this life!

We tossed around the possiblity of an open marriage, then I reeled that back because I wasn’t being authentic. Last week we had a couples counseling session that ended on a hopeful note, we even had amazing sex that night. Today I was scheduled for a vasectomy that I scheduled long before any of this came to light. On the way to the appointment she questioned whether I should go through with the procedure because she now believes that she will not be my wife much longer. I went through with it anyway because I’m done having children, but I laid there weeping through the entire procedure. I’m home now contemplating all of this and in all honestly if it weren’t for the kids I would probably end it. That’s not an option though. I don’t want them to grow up fatherless.

She talks about buying a second house and me still working for her, taking care of the kids and all the supportive stuff that I did before, but without the sex and the connection that made it all worthwhile. I would do anything to salvage this relationship. She says that she deserves to feel the feelings she had with that woman and that all of this is more important than us. I’m not in her shoes so I can’t understand. This is my hell!

 

Brett....Many of the r'ships....where one spouse has 'come out', confessed to same-sex feelings/desires/connection
....seem to be okay (as  far as the unknowing spouse is concerned) up til the point of confession. So I think while our partners have gone through their own 'turmoil'..
(thoughts of sex/love/touching....experimenting...secret accounts/meetings/cheating.....)
we have carried on,  thinking everything is fine, unaware of the change in them because they've kept it from us. 
They have very selfishly decided to keep part of themselves separate, to enhance a desire in themselves

It's been a year since the email my man sent me confessing to his desire for men....and the first few months were a jumble of emotions....anger, sadness, confusion. It's so important to confide in somebody....you can't figure out how to get through this on your own. It's harder for a lot of men to talk to other men about personal issues so choose your confidante wisely. A friend/relative but if nobody close....find a counsellor, ask a doctor for advice. 

I try to let my partner know what's happening with me, and who I'm seeing. Honesty & openness with each other 
may not have been what my partner gave me but it's what I'm giving back.  I can't imagine not having this life of mine either,  it's who I've been for 32 years...

You and I....and any other caught in the decision of wanting to keep their r'ship together.....need to concentrate on what WE need, what's important to US, and to do that I, at least, need to see myself as deserving of something better than what my partner was envisioning for us.

I hope my rambling has helped 

Oh and this...."She talks about buying a second house and me still working for her, taking care of the kids and all the supportive stuff that I did before, but without the sex and the connection that made it all worthwhile" .....this is 
so fucking selfish. I hope you told her exactly how selfish and self-serving that makes her sound




 

Last edited by Ellexoh (Sat Feb 10 8:17 pm)


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Sat Feb 10 9:54 pm  #3


Re: How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

“...this is
so fucking selfish. I hope you told her exactly how selfish and self-serving that makes her sound”

Ellexoh,  I told her that this scenario of hers is bullshit, that in reality our family will be broken. Because I can’t do all of the things I do I’m this marriage without experiencing the connection and feedback that makes it all worthwhile for me.  I told her that our children will suffer because at first they will watch me fall into depression and become disengaged, which is already happening, then when I can’t take it anymore I will have to leave and go find myself.  Every “hopeful scenario” that she spins up is a complete fantasy designed to make it easier to screw me over and excuse her from responsibility. 

So here is another question.  If I just leave for awhile, would I make this worse or better? I mean like let her deal with all the stuff I handle.  She would probably flounder for awhile, but muddle through the best she could.  Would this improve my situation by showing her the value I bring to the relationship? Or would she resent me and end any chance of this being reconciled. 

Or should I just give her space and let her feel out her emotions and work through this while I continue to hold up my side of the relationship. 

The misery continues..

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Feb 11 1:01 am  #4


Re: How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

Brett wrote:

“...this is
so fucking selfish. I hope you told her exactly how selfish and self-serving that makes her sound”

Ellexoh, I told her that this scenario of hers is bullshit, that in reality our family will be broken. Because I can’t do all of the things I do I’m this marriage without experiencing the connection and feedback that makes it all worthwhile for me. I told her that our children will suffer because at first they will watch me fall into depression and become disengaged, which is already happening, then when I can’t take it anymore I will have to leave and go find myself. Every “hopeful scenario” that she spins up is a complete fantasy designed to make it easier to screw me over and excuse her from responsibility.

So here is another question. If I just leave for awhile, would I make this worse or better? I mean like let her deal with all the stuff I handle. She would probably flounder for awhile, but muddle through the best she could. Would this improve my situation by showing her the value I bring to the relationship? Or would she resent me and end any chance of this being reconciled.

Or should I just give her space and let her feel out her emotions and work through this while I continue to hold up my side of the relationship.

The misery continues..

Brett....I found, after months of indecision and soul-searching/pleading...and misery, that I crossed over from the shattered mess I was to a woman who could definitely state "I won't accept anything less than Monogamy & Integrity.....if you can't promise me that, we're over" But I had to go through a period of counselling and self-analysis to strengthen the core of what I actually wanted. Stay true to what you DON'T want, keep being strong for your children, and every time she comes up with another scenario......tell her no.

Will it make it worse or better...if you leave?....what! you know the answer to that    Leaving for a while will only show your indecision.  Don't give her space. She has a responsibility too

I know about misery. We, my man & I... are both experiencing it. We're both in a hiatus, neither wants to let go of what we have, so we continue as we are til.....something changes. I don't know what that will be, or when, if ever, 
I just know I'll have to be strong for whatever it is. 
We have no dependent children so I think of the situation probably TOO MUCH. But I feel a resignation to follow this through, telling myself I have no control over his thoughts....just my own

Find someone to talk to Brett









 


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Sun Feb 11 3:07 am  #5


Re: How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

I move fast though my emotions, I guess that’s what happens when you are stuck on the couch recovering while also feeling out every angle of this disaster. 

Recently I started smoking pot to help cope with my constant obsessing over this problem, and to help with the ever present feelings of sadness.  It’s also helping me process this stuff and move on.   Tonight in particular I was feeling like doing this for the physical pain from my procedure, and for the anguish. And I feel like I’ve come to a new resolution.

After considering all the different angles and scenarios for how this plays out, I’ve decided that my current situation leaves me extremely venerable.  Considering leaving brought me to realize that that option while it sounds punitive to her, it will really only harm me, and probably make things worse.

The idea of lawyering up also appeals at first on its surface, but I don’t feel like I have anything at all to gain from the family court in Michigan.  Men are notoriously screwed here.  I would probably be required to start paying child support despite my wife being the bread winner.  I would be screwed if I take that route, or at the least I would gain very little.

So I have resolved myself to live within one of her fairytale scenarios.  I feel like I have to let her go so she can discover who she is authentically.  She so much would love my support and friendship, in return I feel like she will be there for me on some level too.  She said that she loves me unconditionally, and wants me to find happiness through this somehow.  I want to believe her, and I’m going to give this a try.  This feels like the least painful option, and the one that will bring about the most financially security for myself, she wants to support me financially indefinitely and she can afford to do so.  It also feels like the best way to support my kids and be there for them 100%. I will continue to work part time at her practice because she needs my help and I enjoy being there.

When I told her about my resolution I felt us coming together again for the first time since this started 6 weeks ago.  It feels like a way forward, it’s complicated, but a few weeks ago I already felt like I would be willing to try an open marriage, but that actually doesn’t appeal to either of us.  I could at some point see myself with someone new maybe, so long as they can be respectful of my lingering connection with my wife.  We’ll have to work out mutually agreed upon boundaries as we go, but I think we can do that together. 

Go ahead call me crazy!!!

     Thread Starter
 

Sun Feb 11 12:58 pm  #6


Re: How do I make this work. She doesn’t think it can

Brett wrote:

......Go ahead call me crazy!!!

 

Hell no.....I'm the very last person who would call you that!
At 6 weeks after the shattering admission from my partner...
I was a blubbering mess, and one minute deciding that suicide was the only answer....and the next minute feeling totally affronted and ready to leave him. Like a pool of calm water that's had a huge boulder dropped into it, and being tossed and turned, my senses taking a big hit, not quite knowing what happened.....where the fuck did that boulder come from, am I drowning? will somebody save me?.....it's taken months for the waves/turbulence to settle, and for me to learn that even though my partner is there...he's not in there with me, as I tread water figuring out how the hell do I get out of this. He would jump in if my head went under, he would save me if I said I couldn't swim. But 
his lack of wanting to be in there with me means this is my quandary. 
I made it clear to him of my disinterest in an open r'ship,  and my opinion of his cheating & dishonesty...and I am a stronger person for doing that.

I can only comment on your situation based on my own experience and I see your decision to "live with one of her fairytale scenarios" as one of many you may decide on. It's not the best decision you'll make....it won't be the last

Does your wife talk much about her feelings.....or is it mostly you who does the questioning/wanting to communicate?


 

Last edited by Ellexoh (Sun Feb 11 1:01 pm)


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