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February 8, 2018 4:34 pm  #1


Confronted Husband/Need Advice

As expected he denied denied denied, he is gay.

He says the anal sex toys are for self stimulation and no partners are involved.
He says the the gay porn magazines help him with self stimulation and that he is "bi curious."
When I asked him how he contracted  hepatitis B Carrier status, at first he claims you can get it from contaminated food, I told him No, it is passed thru blood, seman, with activities such as anal sex. He then admitted he contracted it with a female 10 years ago when they had anal sex. He never told me about his hepatitis B status because he said his doctor said the virus is no longer in his body and he was afraid I would think he was gay since I found gay porn magazines right before he got sick with hep B. I told him that was selfish, and uncaring, he apologized.
He has not had sex with me in over 10 years, claims that after my hysterectomy, I was not interested in sex. However, I reminded him he was having erection issues and he apologized.

He claims he has never had any encounters with men, and I found no proof of any hookups with sites such as craigslist or any other hookups on his phone or computer.

He says he loves me. I told him I don't believe him, that he is attracted to men, he claims not gay  just "bicurious.".

he cries how much he loves me, and I do love him. After 43 years of marriage, 

He just came out and swore at me, says he has been a good husband, does everything I ask of him, but if I want a divorce f.....king file it, that he may be self absorbed , but never had sex with a man, and he hates that I accused him of that.

Is it possible he is just self absorbed with giving himself anal sex with these toys? No sex with me for 10 years. Claims he contracted hep B from a women.

It has now all become about him and me accusing him of being gay........

Am I wrong? Help me. 


 

 

February 8, 2018 5:30 pm  #2


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

But..... it's NOT all about you accusing him of being gay.  First of all, you accusing him of being gay is because that's what the evidence leads you to believe.  This didn't come out of nowhere - it's a natural conclusion to his behavior.  And him not telling you because he thought it'd lead you to thinking he was gay is very telling - because what he was afraid of is that if he gave you some truth, you'd connect the dots.

But again - it's not about you accusing him of being gay.  It's about him being a different person that you thought he was, and lying about it.  It's about him cheating on you with with SOMEone 10 years ago.  It's about him having a disease you could have contracted from him if the two of you had decided to be intimate, but him not telling you that.  It's about him not having sex with you but having a private sex life with at least himself - ordering toys and doing that in secret.  If there was nothing wrong with it, then why hide it???  It's about him trying to blame the lack of sex on you when he had erection issues before that.  It's about him being online looking for encounters when he's married and committed to you.  It's about him not being honest about who he is, what he wants, and who you are to him.

If you're not happy and haven't been for a long time, and have tried to make changes happen and realize that it's not going to, then you don't need a separate "reason".  THAT's the reason.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 8, 2018 9:55 pm  #3


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Thanks for the responses, we had another talk and now he reveals the following:

Claims the anal sex toys is for self indulgent use and that the only way he can get sexual satisfaction is thru anal stimulation thru dildos. Says he was embarrassed about it because he did not think I would be into anal sex play but would like me now to engage in it.

Claims the gay porn magazines are free with the purchase of dildos. And that he looks at those magazines to learn how to self stimulate. Say at one time he was concerned that he was gay because he like anal stimulation but find being with a man repulsive. And he has researched that straight men like anal stimulation. And that he does not want to be with a man. He would like me to engage with him in this act! 

Apologized for being so "self indulgent" and not meeting my needs. Wants to explore how we can satisfy each other sexually. 

Claims he contracted hepatitis B by having anal sex with a female, not a male.

Just more of his story...........what bothers me I have no proof that he has hookups with other men, and he denies he ever has. I did NOT find any craigslist hookup sites or any other gay hookups during my "investigation."

Say he loves me, and wants this to work......could it be true that he was using the anal toys for self stimulation? Claims he is straight but likes anal stimulation........um

Please comment.



 

     Thread Starter
 

February 8, 2018 10:06 pm  #4


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Hi Cindys

When a gay man says he loves you yes he means it, but he will always have the desire to be with a man. He may be fighting this desire but then when they open the door to find out there is no turning back.
He will lie about his hooks ups, he will not be the man you think he is to your face, and he may not even tell you the truth....
If he's looking at gay porn yes he is gay. Straight men don't look at gay men having sex...

I feel for you, take care and brace yourself for the worst that may happen now...
 

 

February 9, 2018 12:06 am  #5


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Perhaps it's me but it seems that after you gave him some time to go away and think, he now comes back with all sorts of explanations that he didn't have on the first conversation. If it was true, why didn't this come out during convo #1?

I find it hard to believe that gay porn mags are free with a purchase. Women buy this stuff also so how does a store or website know you want this material? Maybe this is a half-truth. Perhaps if you buy a certain amount of product you receive your choice of some free items?

Some men do enjoy pressure on the prostate but, much like masturbation, one doesn't need gay porn to figure out how to do it and what feels good. I think if you were straight, it would be a turn-off and counter-productive.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 9, 2018 6:27 am  #6


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Thanks for your replies. I have a lot to think about. It would be so much easier for him to admit he is gay, my decision would be so much easier. And I love him and he does love me, but this is complicated.

I am going to get graphic here so I apologize if I offend anyone. I did ask him how he was able to penetrate her when he could not get an erection with me? He said he didn't really know he was drunk. He claims afterwards, his penis had blood on it and " she" then told him  that she had hepatitis but hopefully he wouldn't get it. But then I wonder if he likes anal stimulation so much, wouldn't he be on the receiving end of the act? And he was with a man? 

With these gay porn magazines, first he says they are free with a purchase of  a dildo....um. Don't believe that story. ( But I can confirm that because I know where he purchased them). Then he needed them for instruction.....um....don't believe that one. By now he would "know"how to do it. Then I one point he says he also looks at female porn, too. (But I only find the gay porn magazines.) Then he tells me he can project by comparing himself to other men. I don't know.

He initially told me he was "bicurious" but then with second conversation, he is not bicurious, but at one time he was questioning if he might be gay cause he likes anal stimulation but then researched it and says heterosexual men like anal stimulation and lots of straight couples can engage in this activity. And that he could not image kissing a man or having a man penetrate him.

I know the best approach with him is to be calm, and patient, and keep asking my questions. And really listen to his answers. Because he contradicts himself and can't always remember his stories, but I have a great memory.

His main point is that he is "self Indulgent" and stimulates himself that way with anal toys because it give him pleasure. He realizes how selfish this is. He claims he wouldn't know how to have a gay hookup or go about it! I don't believe that one, so I said to him, you had hookups with women you can hookup with men.

I am so sorry for rambling on......I don't know what to do. For now, I will keep "snooping"but I have alerted him now and he may be more careful. but he thinks I put an investigator on him. Which I did not. I can keep searching his iPhone, and see what may pop up.

I hate he has put me in this position. I am getting tested Monday for Hepatitis. Even though it was over 10 years ago......I don't trust him.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

Cindy





 

     Thread Starter
 

February 9, 2018 8:01 am  #7


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

I’m sorry Cindys but you are trying to make sense of lies and half-truths. You will never make sense of non-sensical information. You need to stop rationalising this junk he is feeding you. He is lying and gaslighting you. It’s dangerous to your mental health.

Please step back and see this for what it is.

There was no woman wit hepatitis. I would stake my home on that.

 

February 9, 2018 8:13 am  #8


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

I have to agree with Duped here.  
Your best course of action is to not second guess yourself and not to get drawn in.  He wants you to have sex with him because that is a classic ploy to get you to re-attach so he can re-secure you, which will allow him to continue his hook ups on the down low.  Meanwhile, you will be more thoroughly immersed in his alternate reality and more likely to question yourself.  I can pretty much guarantee you that if you do break down and have this sex with him, he will soon begin devaluing you again.  Recently someone started a thread on trauma bonding, and there's a link there.  I suggest you go and read it.
  And I know that we are an online support group for you, but I think you need the outside perspective of someone in your life that you can trust.  I predict that when you lay it all out for them, their first response is going to be "What BS!" and the second will be "Of course you're going to end the marriage."  
   Your know what?  Even if he isn't having gay sex on the sly (which is a virtual certainty in my opinion), he's been an awful husband.  And why would you put up with that?

 

February 9, 2018 8:32 am  #9


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

Cindys,

Just some perspective from a straight guy;    if you put a gun to my head I would not want to watch gay porn.  I cannot think of a straight guy I know that would not find that revolting.

I think the fact that most of what he is saying is lies basically tells you all you need to know.   I had definitive proof about my GX   so when I confronted her and heard the depth of the lies that was all I needed to know.
No point is figuring out why they lie to our faces...just the fact that they do speaks volumes about their morals and character...I eventually found the lies and denial, and finally abuse,  more traumatizing than the gay..   

Just know its not you, you are not crazy or wrong.

a kind since e-hug



 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 9, 2018 11:05 am  #10


Re: Confronted Husband/Need Advice

CindyS,

He's full of sh*t.  You KNOW this.  Dildos don't come with any free mags - much less gay porn mags. Gimme a break. I'm always amazed at the lies people will come up with to hide the truth.  They ALWAYS need themselves to look innocent, so they come up with something that means they had ZERO interest in the things we find. Pop-ups are a classic example of this.  Never have I ever been online shopping on Amazon for a ceiling fan and had porn pop up.  You have to be on something related to porn for porn to pop up.  And videos don't pop up when you're watching a video - other sites pop up - advertising stuff related to what you're currently looking at.  So no - if you see a video on the history, that didn't pop up; that was clicked on, even if the site itself popped up.

The Hepatitus story is also complete bullshit.  First of all, men don't get hard easier when drunk - they get "whisky dick" - where it's more difficult to stay hard even if that's never an issue normally.  (they don't always get this, but if the alcohol affects their penis in any way, that's how it affects them - NOT the other way around).  And the "there was blood on my penis" story is BS, too.  It makes him look like *all* he did wrong was have sex with someone outside of his marriage. Not even the *normal* way.  And..... oh no! I realized RIGHT afterwards that I was a victim - because there was proof via blood.  That's how I knew something was wrong, and in that moment, imagine how I felt!  He's tracing his disease back this way because if he can trace the disease back to a singular MOMENT, then he can say that he only had that one singular EXPERIENCE.  Being able to trace it back to a moment with shocking physical proof means that he never has to admit to having sex with so many people that he has no IDEA who he got it from, or when.  The truth is that disease transmission usually doesn't work this way.  If you saw proof that someone had a disease, you likely wouldn't sleep with them.  And no, Hepatitus doesn't come with "bleeding anus" as a "symptom".  You can have blood from any anal encounter - it means NOTHING.  It certainly wouldn't mean that blood proves disease, and the person would immediately fess up on the spot, because the disease was undeniable since blood was present.  That story is complete horseshit.

Sweetie, ALL of these stories are just lies.  They are the only excuses he can think of to make himself look otherwise innocent.  Even the "I enjoy anal stimulation" is that.  He used an excuse to make it look like YOU were the problem - he hid it because he felt YOU would be judgemental.  That puts the action as innocent, and the judgement of that innocent action as the evil - an evil he fully thought you'd commit.  So he protected himself from your expected judgement - but took an entire sex life away from you without a single thought. So..... he wasn't worried that taking all intimacy away from you would make you think that he doesn't love and desire you?  He's not worried about you thinking THAT - which is paramount to a relationship.  But he's worried about you seeing him as gay?  WHY would he say that?  Because he just revealed that you finding out he's gay is his greatest fear - greater than you thinking that he doesn't love and desire you.

Him wanting you to participate in this activity is predictable.  If he can loop you in, then he can normalize it - even YOU do it!  And then you'll also understand just how important this anal penetration is to him.  He's just told you that if you're willing to participate in this kink, then he can tolerate letting you into his sex life again.  It's based around the anal, not around the intimacy.  He can also then imagine you as someone else he desires, since you'll be behind him when you're doing it to him.  And then maybe if you see just how MUCH he loves this anal penetration, you'll understand just how much he NEEDS it - from someone - anyone.  If you show no interest in continuing, then you'll understand that he needs this from someone else then, right?  The entire thing is putting the onus on YOU - if YOU can accept this sexual need, and YOU can participate to his satisfaction, then YOU can KEEP him.  IF you choose not to, then it's YOU who hasn't made HIM happy, and then the divorce isn't HIS fault.  Do you see this?

It's all smoke and mirrors, hon.  The truth is that it doesn't matter if he calls himself gay or not.  Are you happy?  Do you feel loved, cherished, protected and provided for in this relationship?  Do you feel there is honesty and trust?  Are your needs being fulfilled?  Do you feel that you are as important to him as he himself is?

Looking back at my former marriage, I felt that at the time I needed an iron-clad reason to walk away from it.  I needed something that couldn't be solved - that absolved me of the requirement to keep trying.  Now,.... when I look back at it, I couldn't care less if it's seen as my fault for leaving, and if I had adequate reason to do so.  The further away from that man I got, the more I realized that it didn't matter if I could justify me leaving or not.  It's what I needed, and I was SO much better off the further away from him I got.  At this point in my life, you could tell me it was ALL my fault, and I failed at my marriage, and I'd simply say, "Okay - whatever.  I'm okay with that as long as I got out."

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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