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Wed Feb 7 11:15 am  #21


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Phoenix: Thank you for that assessment. I never really thought about how compassionate a person I am, but I guess I have always been this way. I have always been a 'giver', although I do struggle at times to stay this way. I know that some people have taken notice in the change of attitude. If they only knew!


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

Wed Feb 7 12:52 pm  #22


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

walkby, 

You said: " I feel a little foolish that I missed so many signs for so long. I was so trusting. Now I’m just so angry that the trusting person is gone and I’m just this angry bitter cynical monster."  

It's really wrong to pathologize normal and admirable qualities.  Didn't you marry this guy because you thought he shared your admirable qualities?  How could we know they were faking it.  Who would ever suspect BS on this level even you weren't a particularly trusting person.  I'll bet you aren't angry and cynical around other people.  He has lost his right to feel anything other than that from you.

 

Wed Feb 7 1:19 pm  #23


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Ellexoh,
 You're not stuck in an impossible situation.  You're choosing to stay there.  It's important to realize the difference, because it's a matter of agency. There are probably reasons for your decision to stay--financial, love, hope, fear, whatever--but you're not being "done to" by the situation.  People have opted out of bad relationships with absolutely nothing, because they have decided that despite that it's worth it to them to leave.  That what awaits them in the relationship is more intolerable to them than what waits for them outside of it.  You have the power to leave--you have left, once--but for the moment you are choosing to stay.  And that's ok.  But it's still important to realize that you are making a choice.  

I'm not  "people" ....I'm not "them"
You're welcome to an opinion based on your own life and experiences....differences & intolerances 
....strengths & weaknesses
But in the end, that's all it is....your opinion

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

Wed Feb 7 4:46 pm  #24


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Ellexoh, 
I'm not telling you you should do as others have.  What I'm saying is that knowing that others have been in equally bad or worse situations--what you might describe as "impossible" situations--gives a perspective on how we think about our own situations.  It's comforting to thing we are "stuck" because we have options.  I'm saying we choose to stay or go after weighing our options.  You are choosing to stay because you have weighed the options and see no other.  

 

Thu Feb 8 7:36 pm  #25


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Ellexoh, 
I'm not telling you you should do as others have.  What I'm saying is that knowing that others have been in equally bad or worse situations--what you might describe as "impossible" situations--gives a perspective on how we think about our own situations.  It's comforting to thing we are "stuck" because we have options.  I'm saying we choose to stay or go after weighing our options.  You are choosing to stay because you have weighed the options and see no other.  

​I'm not sure what your point is, and I may be misreading this.  But, sometimes I try to talk to people about the situation with my husband, and let's say we look at my emotional state on a scale of 1 to 10 -- 1 being utterly despondent, 10 being absolute bliss, and 5 being so-so.  So I look at my current situation, which has me at about a 3, and I look at all my options and they are likely to drop me down to 2 or 1.  And I'm unhappy.  There are no other options that raise me up to a 4 or 5.  

​So when I turn to someone needing to vent, here's what typically happens.  They put me through this cross-examination about all my other options -- making suggestions that I have long since thought of myself and realized were unworkable -- and the more they try to come up with solutions, the more it seems to them that I'm being uncooperative or shooting down their brilliant solutions.  And eventually, they'll say to me "You are CHOOSING to stay!"  which is very strictly and in a narrow sense true ... but it seems to suggest that I'm being told to put up or shut up, with my lousy pathetic level-3 life.

​And I'm left there thinking, how DARE you judge me, sitting there at level-7 or level-8 with nothing on the line.

​Of all the responses, I hate people telling me I CHOSE this miserable place I'm in.  I was tricked into a situation and I can't make it better, only worse, and I am absolutely not happy with knowing I threw away my shot.
 

 

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