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Sat Feb 3 11:52 pm  #1


Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

Hi
New to the board. Lost all hope in life. Not allowed to disclose the truth. Anybody in NYC want to meet and talk. I feel like I cant hide anymore but have nobody to talk to. I am so broken hearted I have isolated myself from my few friends and don't have the energy to make new ones living this lie. My husband dragged me along thinking he is coming home. I'm  realizing its a lie-  another of many. Anyway I just want someone I can speak freely with to go out to dinner. Or I can even cook. Ive let my health go . 81 lbs is bad. I have no appetite no hope. So if you libe in NYC and are willing to commiserate plz let me know.
Best
Andrea

 

Sun Feb 4 6:51 am  #2


Re: Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

andrea-lost wrote:

Hi
New to the board. Lost all hope in life. Not allowed to disclose the truth. Anybody in NYC want to meet and talk. I feel like I cant hide anymore but have nobody to talk to. I am so broken hearted I have isolated myself from my few friends and don't have the energy to make new ones living this lie. My husband dragged me along thinking he is coming home. I'm  realizing its a lie-  another of many. Anyway I just want someone I can speak freely with to go out to dinner. Or I can even cook. Ive let my health go . 81 lbs is bad. I have no appetite no hope. So if you libe in NYC and are willing to commiserate plz let me know.
Best
Andrea

Dear Andrea:
Welcome to this group.  You are not alone here.  So many of us have found ourselves in an impossible situation.  TGT thing is much larger than anyone of us signed up for...and once we find out, it is heartbreaking, seems unimaginable, feels hopeless, but the thing is, we all have the ability to mend.  Please be careful about meeting people one on one.  There are some who recognize the pain and vulnerability and may take advantage.  Maybe seeking out a qualified therapist may be a better option for now.
  
If I may add, the moment you can find your own footing, to realize your happiness is not contingent on your spouse or anyone else for that matter, you will find joy once again.  This issue and dealing with someone who has taken so selfishly...well, they are not worth us making ourselves sick over.  We are trying to survive someone else's inability to get real about themselves and their lives....but the focus should more than mere survival...we must become one with the flower that grows through the crack in a sidewalk.  The beautiful color, stem and life seems so impossible, but there it stands as a testament... beauty and strength regardless of being stomped on over and over again...and it thrives...and so shall we.

~Detour
   
 

 

Sun Feb 4 7:58 am  #3


Re: Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

Andrea,

Have you reached out to your local straight spouse network?...perhaps they have a group in the area.

These spouses are just not worth it...do not despair over them.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Sun Feb 4 8:04 am  #4


Re: Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

Andrea,
Detour's statement, "We are trying to survive someone else's inability to get real about themselves and their lives" contains so much truth.  It also explains why you feel so beat down and have isolated yourself from others. 
   We are expected to accept and even embrace someone else's lies about themselves and to keep their secrets.  They lie to themselves even as they know the truth.  To keep the truth about themselves from themselves they learn to compartmentalize, to shut down emotionally, to sublimate their energies in work (or to indulge themselves in "safe" pastimes like porn); they minimize, blame shift, and gaslight.
   It's not our reality and we can't live in this false reality without real costs to ourselves.  Good for you that you have arrived at the point at which you have recognized this, and have also seen that he has no intention of changing, or of following through on what he says.  For them, duplicity is a way of life, and they have no scruples about deceiving us, too.  You are right to discard what he says and focus on what he does.  
  First things first, you must throw off the idea that you are "not allowed to disclose the truth."  Our closeted spouses do not have the right to dictate to us what we say about our own lives.  Their internalized hatred of themselves does not obligate us to live their lies and enable their continuing denial.  I think it would be really helpful for you to choose someone among your friends, family, or acquaintances and tell them what is going on in your life.  You will find that others will listen to you, and understand that what you are living is unacceptable.  
    If your therapist, as you wrote in your other post, is not helpful or doesn't understand, go and see another one, one who is skilled in trauma and domestic abuse.  You are in a long term abusive situation, and you need someone to recognize this and help you see how you have become accommodated to the abuse and how to break free and heal. 
   I'm glad you reached out here.
   

 

Mon Feb 5 9:22 am  #5


Re: Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

Hi Andrea, 

Welcome to the group.  We understand how hard this is.  We are here for you. 

I would encourage you to reach out to the SSN face to face groups.   We have a group in Manhattan.  http://www.straightspouse.org/test/face2face-support-groups/

I agree with the advice above.  We don't owe them secrets when keeping them further harms ourselves.  You are clearly struggling and suffering for someone who has been using you and taking advantage of you.  Why do you continue to let them harm you?  He is no longer part of your life, so don't worry about protecting him.  Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  If that means telling friends and family members, then do it. 

Please reach out to the network for help.  They will connect you with a face-to-face meeting group where you can connect with a group and then make individual friends.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Mon Feb 5 9:13 pm  #6


Re: Abandoned wife or husbnd in Manhattan to talk and have dinner

Thank you for your advice. I am seeking out a formal meeting through the network in a safe place.  I really don't think about my own safety anymore and you are right not to meet with strangers. Hopefully I will attend a meeting and meet some real people to talk to and I can be honest and not forced to lie. 

     Thread Starter
 

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