OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



January 20, 2018 1:27 pm  #1


Only been 21 days

Wow. Did not ever expect to be on this site.  Could never imagine this site even existed. Been reading here for the last two weeks. Wife of 17 years told me 3 weeks ago she has been having an affair with her long time girlfriend who is a lesbian. Sexual relations with her friend started in Sept of this year. And as fate would have it, 3 years ago my wife and i helped this women out by giving her down payment money to  rent a house next door to us, where she still lives.  Talk about some mind blowing stuff.  My wife could no longer suffer the pain of not telling me. I guess i am grateful i now know but it still hurts a lot. I'm suffering from all the things everyone on this site suffers from. In 21 days my wife has left the closet, left the marriage, and left the house. She is in a apartment. She seems very confused and says she needs to find herself?
I don't know what else to say on here because i know i am in shock.
What i am hoping is that other members on this site will ask me questions so i can get this stuff out, because i don't know where to start. But i know i am in the right place.  Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Tim (January 20, 2018 1:47 pm)

 

January 20, 2018 2:48 pm  #2


Re: Only been 21 days

A sad welcome but you are in good company here. Shock and hurt is normal. How could you know or even imagine this? Also - don't ask what you could-of-done or didn't-do-right. That's a rabbit hole with no bottom. What you thought was your life has turned out to be build upon a large amount of either deception, denial or lies and that's not your fault.

Now that you know some truths - breath. Allow a little time to mourn what happened to your relationship but start taking steps forward, even a small one each day.

Get some legal advice. If you're not ready to talk to someone yet, start a little online research into the laws and process for your jurisdiction. If you have kids, it's even more important to start thinking about their future.

Get some support, professional or from a close friend or family member. "Man up" is not the answer here. Just having someone willing to listen to you helps, even if they may not fully grasp the situation.

Start doing things for yourself so you can focus on healing. Whatever works, a hobby, social club, a little walking or jogging. Whatever you're into or always wanted to do.

It will be difficult living next door to 'the other woman' . I'd suggest taking the high road and avoid contact. I don't think it would help at this point.

Hang in there, it might seem like there's an impossible journey ahead of you but you can do it.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 20, 2018 5:39 pm  #3


Re: Only been 21 days

Hi Tim,

Welcome and sorry you are here.  I'd echo what Daryl wrote.  Its going to be tough for a while but it will get better. 
In the meantime you have to re-orientate yourself to think about you and not about 'us'.  Start to assemble your support network and process what is going on. 

It gets better ! 


 

Last edited by Laurence (January 20, 2018 5:40 pm)

 

January 20, 2018 6:54 pm  #4


Re: Only been 21 days

Thanks for the encouragement.  Sitting here alone with these thoughts is painful.
I am usually a pretty optimistic person but this sucks. All the emotions. Is no contact the way to go? She got her apartment yesterday. She will be here tomorrow to pack stuff up for her movers.
 

     Thread Starter
 

January 20, 2018 8:34 pm  #5


Re: Only been 21 days

If there's children, of course you need to effectively communicate to co-parent them. If not, there's a danger in keeping close contact.

You don't want to become her therapist as she goes about navigating her new life. If the relationship is over you have no obligation to be her rock to rely on. That was part of the marriage agreement and it sounds like she has 'null and voided' it.

You don't want to compete in who's having a more thrilling new life. Sometimes as our spouses come out of their closet, we go into a shell of our own making as we try to figure out what the hell just happened to us. You may be discouraged and depressed hearing about her exciting new life while you wonder if you even want to go on a first date again. Social media is especially perilous in this area.

Then there's the rebound. If her relationship with this other person goes sour, she might get scared of the big old world and try to return to safe harbour (until she meets another woman). Too much contact might give her the impression that this is possible.

 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum