For sure.  The winter is tougher.  That is it exactly.  Mine says she really just figured it out.  Honestly if I had a crush on another man at one point in my life that would be a big sign.  We met when she was 18 and I was only her second lover. Piles of signs the whole time.  Anyways.  Mostly avoidance now.  The woman I married is long gone.  Sad.  My mom just says it is sad.  The kids will keep us in contact.  Be way better to never see her again.

Mirky,

The beginning without them can be really difficult - it's a complete change of not only routine, but of focus.  You used to be able to pour your focus onto them and the relationship and the running of the household.  Now that that particular focus isn't available to you, you'll find yourself feeling like you're "free-falling" with regards to routines.  And it can be difficult to come up with new routines, because it seems there's nothing to center them around.  But it turns out that now the focus will be you - your self-satisfaction, your happiness, your fulfillment, your growth, your momentum.  And for someone who hasn't been focusing on that in a long, long time (if ever), it can feel very..... empty.  The trick isn't to get "over" her as much as it is to replace the hollow hole with other things - other things that fulfill and entertain you and excite you.  The trick is finding out what those things are.

You have to actively pursue this.  It will NOT "come" to you.  Sit down and come up with a list of things you've always wanted to try, but just never got around to.  It can be as simple as trying that burger place that gets such good reviews from friends to learning how to ride a motorcycle.  Just jot away. If you find yourself staring at a blank page, then start more vaguely - what overall things do you like?  Museums? Nature? Vehicles? Fix-it projects?  Animals?  Then start thinking of ways that you can re-introduce yourself to those areas.  Take a look at museums in your area and pick one and plan an outing there.  Do it for the next available day you have that works well for that.  If you like nature, then look up a few forest preserves in your area and decide you're going to do a nature walk.  You can do it alone, or ask someone else who you think would enjoy it.  Then keep your eyes peeled for the next step.  Maybe the museum you visit is having a showcase soon on something that you find intriguing.  Plan to come back for that.  Maybe the forest preserve has upcoming events, or an opportunity to help in their nature center on Saturday mornings.

If you find yourself at a complete loss of areas you're even interested in, then you have to go seek out ideas from several different sources.  Go online and look at upcoming events at your local library, or at your community center.  Look at your local high school or village's upcoming spring adult classes.  Look at your local community college courses and see if anything strikes a cord in you.  There is a lot out there that we just never see because we aren't looking for it.  But it's there - I promise.  Call your local pet shelter and ask if they need volunteers once a week to walk the animals, or to feed / clean up after them.  You will get to know an entirely new group of people, and you'll already have a common interest.  The rest seems to unfold naturally.

I have never really been completely single in my life.  Even when I wasn't romantically attached to a man, I had roommates (when I was young) and we often went out and did things together.  I asked my now husband once how being single (since he'd done it for years before meeting me) worked.  He's a planner, so this was how it worked for him.  He'd be at work during the day, and he'd think about what he'd want to do when he got home.  He wanted to have X for dinner (maybe it was fast food brought home, or maybe it was making grilled cheese sandwiches and soup).  He planned on eating that while watching X movie that he'd been waiting to see (he'd swing by the movie rental store on the way home).  Then later, he planned on throwing some laundry in and cleaning the bathroom before laying down in bed to watch sitcoms.  Other nights he would plan on going to the bowling alley to practice for an upcoming league night.  Or he'd go drive out to a new golf course to check it out and do some driving range practice.  Plan a game with friends two Saturdays from now.  Plan a pool game with another few friends for next Sat. night.  Join a baseball team.  You need things to look forward to.  They might not feel completely fulfilling at first - because you're comparing them to how it felt to be with the person you enjoyed being with and how that felt.  But over time, things will start to take on a life of their own, and your world will right itself again.

Try reconnecting with old friends you haven't caught up with in years.  Suggest a coffee meeting on a Sat. morning, or go out for drinks in the evening.  See a movie together and then hit the local diner.  These don't have to have been your best friends in the past, nor do they need to be your best friends going forward.  But it will help to see others.  Resist the urge to delve TOO deeply into what you're going through right now, lest you make them feel like you just needed a counselor.  Lol.  And DO see a counselor, too.

Go claim your life again.  Joy doesn't come to you - you FIND it.  And finding something means you need to look for it ernestly until you find it.  Seek it relentlessly.  It's there - I promise.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (January 8, 2018 11:21 am)

Mirky -

Spring is only mere months away.  Start planning for it!

I get the financial limitations.  But fight for yourself.  Do you have insurance?  Can you at least find out what the co-pay for counseling might be?  We make the assumption that it costs like $125/session.  But it can be $20 co-pay instead.  Also, communities sometimes have centers that offer a sliding scale for counseling services.  I know there's one in my neighborhood that is $10 copay if you cannot afford more.  A lot of bang for $10.

Start going to your local library.  It's a great place to learn about interests and get excited about life.  Not only are there rich stories to escape into, but there are also classes to attend and tons of books on learning new things - from home maintenance to creative endeavors.  Just go browse - it's free!  Same with a nice big book store.  You'll get ideas - even if you can't afford to buy anything.  It's like mind stimulation.  You start to see the broadness of the world in a way that's unique to books and information.

I'm aware that a ton of things will remind you of her.  But the only way to overwrite that is by making new experience memories without her.  Eventually, it fades away.  You can't expect old memories to not pop up, but they will fade over time.  Or at least become less painful.  It takes time, but it will happen.

Kel

So I have filed for divorce and my manipulative, narcissistic GID husband put on the performance of a lifetime in front of my family convincing them he would be honourable and do the right thing. I received his lawyers letter today and it clearly states he intends to ignore the pre nup and give me ZERO and to add insult to injury saddle me with all the legal fees. I am speechless to put it mildly. 12 years and countless affairs and lies, the entire time of which I was 100% committed. It wasn't enough for him to ruin my life, he must now take my life savings too. Did I mention he earns about 5 times what I do and is extremely successful. All I was asking for was HALF the house so that I can try and rebuild what is left of my life. He has one chance to show some shred of dignity but cannot.

What a douche.  They can say whatever they want to in their letters - it entitles them to nothing.  Personally though, I'd go send that to the people he promised to do the right thing.  'Cause THAT certainly isn't it.

He can only get what you agree to, or what the judge orders.  Just keep talking to your lawyer.  Lots of people just want it over, so they screw themselves over (financially) to get there faster.  If you're a 50/50, no-fault state, it won't matter what he's done, or what he says - you'll get half of what was made during the marriage - including the 401K.  He's been informed of that, he knows it.  He's just grandstanding.  Let him.  Don't even let it get under your skin.  When you read all that garbage, think to yourself, "WOW - LOOK how angry and upset he is.  Can't even see reality and control those emotions when it's futile.  I'm not going to be like him.  His shit will just rollllll off my back."  This can only bother you if you a) still think he's going to be reasonable and giving, and b) still give a shit.  Once you align yourself with the thinking that they're a piece of shit and start expecting them to act that way, you can prepare yourself for their behavior, and you make decisions on how to act - since it's not with a reasonable, caring person.

In the end, it wasn't my ex being reasonable that made him fall into line with regards to what he was forced to give for support, or actually start paying it.  It was the fact that I realized I was entitled to it, and the court backed that and told him to get with the program or he'd be in jail.  YOU don't have to do much to show your anger or power.  You just play along with the law and show him that you don't intend to waste your breath on him - he's not a big enough deal for you to waste your time and energy on.

As for him wanting you to pay for it - whatever.  They all try that.  Put it in writing that you want HIM to pay for all of it, based on your income discrepancy.  Two can play that freaking game of bravado.  And for God's sake, make him wait until the last damned day to hear back from your lawyer.  Because that's what he's going to do to you - trust me.

Kel