Daisy,

This whole thing just stinks - neither of you is really getting what they want, even though both of you are supposedly (if he's being honest) sacrificing.  We make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is in the action - that if our spouse isn't touching privates with another person, then they're being monogamous.  But that's just the logistics - the LAST step before technically cheating.  There are a lot of steps that lead up to that, and your husband is asking you to give him your blessing to let him do all of them right up until the point of technically cheating  What purpose would an individual have for allowing such dangerous temptation into their marriage?  There is only one reason for a person to do that - because they think it's their spouse's right to have such things.  WHY would they have such a right?  Because they've convinced us that they NEED it, and to deny them that right is to not love and accept them fully.  Again, this is bullshit.  If your husband came to you and needed to do this stuff with women, there would be no question about what he's asking.  Think about it - if he came to you and was like, "It turns out that I often think about being with other women.  I don't WANT to think about it, but I do.  They think about being with men like me.  We have "unwanted attraction".  We cannot get our needs met within our marriages because the need is specifically to have that need met with other individuals except for the partners we've promised commitment and monogamy to.  And we NEED to get our needs met.  So we've made a group for those of us who have these unwanted feelings.  And we like to meet up online to talk about how we are victims to these desires.  Yes, we get closer to cheating by sharing our desires, and even our naked pics with each other.  And we like to meet for "innocent cheater time".  Only these other individuals in my shoes - who KNOW the struggle of me wanting to cheat on you - can fully know and understand my plight.  I really need to feel acceptance from other women - to be completely open and honest around them - and what better way than to be completely vulnerable and be naked in front of them?  I know I've told you that my body is yours and yours alone, but....... I REALLY feel a STRONG desire to be with these other women in this way.  And if you loved me, you'd understand that and support me in this need.  If I get to know these women first, I don't feel sexual desire for them.  I know I've cheated with loads of other women in the recent past behind your back, but THIS time, you can expect that I'm being completely honest and open with you.  As long as you let me do what I want, I will still profess to love you.  No other answer other than "you have my blessing" will do - I have determined that I NEED to be with others who also feel the strong, unwanted desire to cheat on their spouses"

Can you even IMAGINE if he came to you and laid it out that way with other women?  You'd tell him to go F*CK HIMSELF.  And if he continued to bother you to let him do this?  And you continued to find evidence that he's doing much more than what he's leading you to believe he's doing?  You'd fire his ass from being your husband.  You wouldn't want your family broken up - you wouldn't want to disclose your family's dirt.  But you'd have NO qualms about doing so after you figured out that this issue wasn't going anywhere.  You'd simply tell people that he wasn't capable of being faithful to you, in body and mind.  And so you needed to get that lying cheater out of your life.  Because THAT's not the blueprint you're trying to give your children for how marriage and happiness works.  You'd navigate through the difficulties of becoming single, because there would be no other option.

I'm not sure why we think that them being attracted to the same sex is a loophole.  We're in a committed, monogamous marriage.  We promised each other that.  You've asked me if you can open that door back up.  I've.said.no.  And yet you continue to bang at that door?  If you cannot or will not give me the monogamy and desire that I deserve, and that you came into this relationship promising, then there's the door.  I love you, but I won't give you permission to walk all over me so that you can be ecstatic and I can be miserable.  No, no, NO.  Go find some other fool who'll give you that.  'Cause it sure as hell ain't me.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (January 10, 2018 11:27 am)

I agree with Duped - people find stories about others' lives interesting, but they really don't go changing their lives much as a result.  If you're a good doctor/surgeon, they will continue to use you.  Because they couldn't care less about your personal life - they're interested in how good your professional skills are.  Period.  Okay - maybe some old folks would want to make a stand on stuff like this, but again - there's nothing against YOU.  Not to mention that old people don't like change anyway - especially when it comes to their doctors.

Your children are a huge consideration, but it doesn't get easier for them to understand divorce as they get older (as we so often assume).  It's quite the opposite, actually.  We don't know that until we go through with it, but younger is better.  They just accept things when they're younger.  When they're older, they have to process it all and figure out where they lie in the equation.

I'm not trying to convince you to divorce.  That's up to you.  What I am saying is to hell with worrying about everything but YOU.  YOU are as important as every.single.other.aspect of this.  You don't feel like that, because you're a mom to 5 kids, and you're used to putting everyone but yourself first.  It can be difficult to see your way clear of that.  I was only able to see that truth once I realized that me being unhappy wasn't going to raise happy, healthy children.  THEN I was able to see that I needed to put on my own oxygen mask first, so that I could then help others.  Otherwise I'd run out of oxygen while putting their masks on.  And then where would they all be?

Kel