As 2017 and my marriage draw to official ends (my divorce was final, after 3 years of fighting, just before Christmas) I thought it might be encouraging to post some of the things I have learned from my 30 year marriage to a narcissistic homosexual.  Some of these are "tough" lessons and they may not be part of your story, however, I share them in case they can give you strength, hope or inspiration.  Like so many of you here, I am over 50 now (51), was a stay at home mom with no income of my own, and was diagnosed with cancer two years ago.  I have, however, refused to let these facts define me or my opportunities!  

Here's what I learned along the way:  1) You get what you tolerate (ouch).  This painful reflection led me to lesson 2) Everyone has the right and responsibility to set and enforce personal boundaries (including me).  If we don't, we end up abused.  For me, this traced back to my childhood.  A narcissist seems to be especially skilled in finding those of us who have any weakness in this area.  3) When someone shows you who they really are believe them - the first time!  One of Maya Angelou's best quotes.  Lying, deceit and abuse are choices of disrespect.  I am no longer an enabler of such choices. 4) Life's heartbreaks are God's/Universe's way of getting your attention.  Your life's purpose lies in another direction - prepare to move on!  There was an unhealthy security in my "familiar" even though it was destructive to my psyche.  I struggled to get past this point and finally file for the divorce.  5) Forgive yourself.  I beat myself up constantly at the beginning.  Why didn't I see this?  Why did I stay so long?  Why did I give up my personal development/power for his?  The truth?  Fear.  What is forgiveness (I had a distorted understanding of this one)?  Deciding to not waste my precious time, energy, emotions, thoughts and soul space on those who do not appreciate, value or respect me.  It is OK to not put his/her needs first 24/7 (one of the demands of the narcissist).  6 A man's/woman's secrets are not yours - tell your story!  Don't be undervalued; you are worth more!  My ex told/threatened me to keep his secret.  When this particular dam burst, I began the healing process.  7)You can't change your life remaining where you are, doing the same things or replaying the past.  Be courageous; you were created to prosper!  Impossible becomes I'M POSSIBLE. 8) Dream big and begin to think with purpose; everything in life is available to you no matter what your current circumstances. 9) Change your thoughts (you are enough), change your actions (create a written plan to create and attain the life of your dreams and begin your journey), change your world (it takes work, become unstoppable!). 10) I am the master of my fate; I will embrace every challenge, every opportunity and I will live FULL!
The journey of life has continued on.  I have come to realize that I could never have had this opportunity while married to him.  So, as 2017 draws to an end, I can give thanks for the transitions and new challenges in my life.  Each one teaches me something new.   For those of you in the midst of the nightmare of discovering your spouse is gay, my heart is with you. Remind yourself everyday of your great courage; know that you have great strength inside you and you will act at the time that is right for you.  May 2018 bring to you the gift of spring when life begins anew!  E-hugs to everyone!