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August 12, 2016 10:17 am  #11


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

""..parenting coordinator .."

Right... my court parenting coordinater  had me crying while she and my wife basically wanted me to see the kids every other weekend period.    My now ex-wife  (but still raging and gay)  told the coordinator that I was incapable of taking care of the younger one..     I bawled at the lies coming out of her mouth to this complete stranger.      Luckily that was just a court suggestion and my lawyer would fight the entire thing.

Yes, Sue...when I picture hell  I picture it full of gay lying cheating spouses..   They are evil incarnate on this earth...there really is no other description of our spouses with what they will do when it comes to the kids.
Its the shock and awe   that,  in addition to making us angry,  has us dumbfounded and in disbelief of how
much they can lie and hurt when it comes to the kids.    You would think these spouses could at least get
along with us for the kids...but no...just pure evil.

Just tell your lawyer what parenting arrangement you want and get that in the settlement. 

In regards to your kid and suicide...yeah....my teenager told me that a couple of times early in the beginning of my cold war with my lezex..  It was essentially  a toxic environment for well over a year.
I can only say to listen to your teen..just let them rant about all their problems...you cant solve them but
an empathetic ear and stoic "Im here for you"  is sometimes all they need.

Our gay spouses created this...they are the architects of this..   but telling our kids that doesn't solve anything.     I try to treat it like the rain...there is nothing I can do about it except put a raincoat on and give the kids umbrellas...

But F them...yeah...their evilness comes out in neon lights when it comes to the kids.   
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 12, 2016 11:27 am  #12


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Rob,

Don't you dare back down on you rights and your time with your children. Fight it and do not give and inch. Your wife just moved out weeks ago.  There is no way that the children are even used to the custody shuffle.  How unfair to change it on them before they get a chance to even try. Your wife is a Narcissist and she will turn and twist your kids the same way she has done to you.  It is just who she is.  N's have a brilliant way of manipulating, charming, and using Judges, Lawyers, Counselors etc and making you look like the bad guy.  My N even exhausted my second attorney I hired just for the post-divorce custody and asset battles.  You and your professional team must stand your ground.  Your children need you.  No child should be parented solely by a Narcissist.  

Can you identify what it is that your LXW values more than the kids and more than the fight itself?  Because once you identify what that one thing is, then you know where to apply pressure.  For my XH that one thing was money.  He did not have any and when he had some, he only liked to spend it on himself.  Well, he would spend it on others, the kids and his new wife, but only to obtain/achieve what he wanted.  But when it came to having to pay for an Arbiters time, or medical bills, braces, etc. for the kids, or school well that was like putting the Great Wall of China in front of his devious path. That was when he stopped jerking me around.  A mere mention of an orthodontist visit would send him running from my front door.  I did not figure this out overnight.  It took me awhile, almost a year, to realize that this is what he values most and if I wanted him to back off I needed to make him pay.  So give it some thought...what is your X's achilles heal?   

Finally, start making your home a home for the kids.  Do subliminal stuff like bake a dozen chocolate chip cookies before their visits so your home smells amazing when they walk in the door.  Have a crock pot full of meatballs and sauce and spaghetti waiting for them.  Put a simple vase of flowers on the table.  Make their rooms cozy and comfortable and inviting for them. Plan a game night or a movie night.  Make Friday night with them pizza night. Paint one of your kitchen walls with chalkboard paint and let them draw family pictures on the wall with colorful chalk and leave messages on the wall for them.  These are the things my teens reminisce about.  Explore what would sing to your children's hearts and make memories with them.  It does not have to be expensive. One of my families favorite memories is making Christmas ornaments out of cornstarch our first year...little did they know I had no money for ornaments or that all of their gifts were from a second hand shop.  They unwrap them each year and talk about how much fun we had at the kitchen table making them. Do some Dad stuff with them. Some of my favorite memories with my Dad are washing the car together and having a water hose fight. Do a hobby together (I am learning ASL with one of mine now.  It is fun and we are creating a common interest). Continue to be present with them and honest and available. Start making traditions with them.  Start becoming a team (that team concept is from one of my counselors and it was good single parent advice, maybe the best I got).

I feel for your kids and the manipulation they are going through.  Stay the course and stay strong.  You matter and your relationship with them matters.  Time to get tough!

PS - How old are your children?  I did not realize you had a teen.


 

Last edited by WendiT (August 12, 2016 11:37 am)


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

August 12, 2016 1:05 pm  #13


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Rob - love the analogy of putting on the raincoat and giving the kids umbrellas.  I am going to use that "visual" a lot.  Thank you for it.

 

August 12, 2016 10:45 pm  #14


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Wendit...
Yes I don't like to share too much about my kids here but I have a older one and younger one.
I got the best deal I could for parenting time...not ideal but certainly not what her and the court parenting person thought..my lawyer made it clear the divorce would drag on for years if they wanted the court plan..
I'm trying the best I can with the kids.. The crock pot is a good idea cause I need to expand my types of meals.

Lake breeze,
My rain analogy is because my narc ex is the sole architect of my kids misery. There is little I can do about it..I can't fix it for the kids..only remain a stoic rock..a constant and consistent dad.

The truth though is I'm not the same person I was..im still bruised and battered. I still need no contact with her.  I hope someday they see a stronger and happy dad..

Last edited by Rob (August 12, 2016 10:49 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 13, 2016 9:54 am  #15


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Rob,

Did not mean to come on strong.  It just makes me mad that she continues to put you through the wringer. The ink isn't dry yet on your Divorce settlement.  Mine did it too. I just hoped that a female N would be more civilized than a male N.  Keep reading up on Narcissism and NPD.  While TGT is a shock, the N thing is the real core of the problem.

You are a great Dad and person.  Don't let her get you down.

Wendi

 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

August 13, 2016 4:23 pm  #16


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Sue: I'm doing (virtual) backflips for you!!! keep that fire in your belly as long as it takes to get what is righteously yours, both financially, in terms of respect & freedom from your asshole X. It WILL all come full circle one day, especially with your children and frankly, they are the only ones who's opinion matters. Nod blankly to your ex, meek therapists & anyone else with their ego on full throttle, they don't mean squat in your new story.

I had a similar reaction & wakeup call this week after meeting with a lawyer. I arrived there so ashamed, scared & weak. I left thinking, "Fuck THIS! You are NOT stealing the next 25 years of my life in Bitter&Scared Land" I really have no clue how any of this will play out, but I will not be anything less than a fighting momma bitch.

Last edited by whatasham24 (August 13, 2016 4:24 pm)

 

August 13, 2016 6:25 pm  #17


Re: the saga continues ... my horrific ex

Yes!  You ARE a Bitch on Wheels and dont you forget it!!!  If he doesnt want to help you raise three children, I think you should consider thanking him.  He has shown himself to be unworthy in the loyal, loving, trustworthy department ... and he can go shove his imperious attitude.  No doubt you have been doing the majority of the real parenting anyway, since he has been focused on his own needs and wants.  Go be the sane, stable parent for your kids and get them help if they need it ...just not from him.  You know it wont be easy, but it is your only option and you know you've got this.  Use that justified anger to nail his financial balls to the wall!

 

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