I'm sorry, but after being on this board for so long and watching the progression of so many stories, I just never believe it that a spouse knows they're gay (or even bi-sexual) but hasn't already slept with another person of their same sex.  How would they know they like it?  Until they do it, it's just a fantasy.  I don't believe a single one of them.  SO many people come on here and say that their spouse says they've never cheated on them, and they believe them.  I get that.  And then in a matter of weeks or months, the truth is revealed - they've not only slept with someone of their same sex, but it's been recent, and it's not been something they've done only once.  I'm convinced that those people who never find out that their spouse has cheated just..... never found out.  It was hidden too well, and proof is long gone.

People don't just come to you and want permission to do something that has a high liklihood of ending their marriage.  They KNOW they want that - so much so that they'll risk ending their marriage to get it.  That's not thinking - that's KNOWING.  And knowing comes from trying something enough to know you can't live without it.  I thought my ex had never cheated on me, either.  After all, he hadn't come forward to tell me he was gay - he claims to have discovered that during counseling after I asked for a divorce.  For a while, I believed that.  For a long while, actually.  Until my son told me that he had asked his father if he'd known while standing at the alter with me that he was gay.  Yep - he sure did.  He just thought he "love me enough" to make it work.  He wanted to be married and have his own family.  It's all he'd ever wanted.  Then, I started looking back at some confusing time periods in our marriage, and suddenly, the lightbulbs started going off.  Oh.my.GOD - he HAD cheated - and I just didn't know what the hell I was dealing with at the time. I was pregnant and I attributed his withdrawal from the kids and I as a result of being scared and depressed.  Made sense at the time.  NOW I see exactly WHY he was depressed - he was in love with a "friend", and the pregnancy drove home that he wasn't going to be making a real life with this man anytime soon.  He was depressed because he couldn't be with HIM.  Not because he felt the weight of the world in supporting another child.  I just assumed what was going on only had one answer, because I didn't know that there was any other explanation.  I was more than willing to come up with a reason for him, deliver that truth to him, and then help him with that truth.  Only it was the only truth Iiiiii could see.  It really wasn't THE truth.  Even things that happened after we moved shortly after our daughter's birth (back to another state) show me that he was seeking a new boyfriend immediately after moving.  He needed to replace the man he was having the affair with.  I have ZERO proof of any of this.  And yet, I know in my gut that that's what I was dealing with.  I came to that realization 12 years after it happened.  TWELVE.YEARS.  I figured this all out after I'd been divorced and happily remarried.  He wasn't just a gay man in denial.  He was a cheater - an active deceiver.

I don't expect everyone to share my opinion. But I am going on record as saying that I NEVER believe they came to the knowledge that they're gay without having tried it out.  Not for one moment will I ever believe that.  It's much more convenient to make themselves out to be innocent than to tell you just how much they've lied to us and for how long.  And yes - they're LIGHT years ahead of us in who they are, in coming to terms with it, and being excited about the next phase of their lives.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (December 11, 2017 12:42 pm)

username1 I can relate completely. Wife came out as lesbian to me almost 2 years ago. Has an on and off girlfriend and part of the struggle is she wants to be fair to me at the same time she is being pulled into another relationship. She is working on ways to be financially independent because she sees how much of an emotional toll this relationship takes on me. It will take some time because we have a condo located in a building going through a major pipe renovation project so we will be holding onto the property for the benefit of both of us. She says I deserve in the future to be married to someone who is straight because otherwise I will go through the same struggle again.

Ironically in the beginning I was ok with it because I felt I had a new freedom. But I quickly realized that dating is not going to be easy because of all of the emotions I need to be processing. I hit rock bottom about July of this year but since then we have rented our property. So at least we don't have to worry about financial fallout at this point. Even though I am still in a state of shock, I am managing to sleep well at least because I can see I am getting through this.

It's really pretty much the same story...we marry people who actually do or did love us but were forced by social pressure to believe that the only acceptable way forward was to live a straight life. So at this point all I have is the compassion of a partner who understands me and continues to be concerned about me, but reality is I need to accept that she has to live through her SSA and I need to distance myself emotionally and find my own life path. Otherwise if I try to coerce her to stop, then that's just going to make her all depressed and that just doesn't work.

I am also lucky that I met a friend in Hawaii whose wife who came out after having kids, and his wife ended up having a girlfriend. Happy to talk with you too if you need support on your end.

Last edited by esmfromhawaii (December 18, 2017 2:55 am)