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Sat Jul 30 8:57 am  #1

Husband in Denial

My husband is gay. He won't ever admit to it. His sister is gay and he talks down about her a lot. But I know he is. At one time he admitted to being "bi-curious" but I think that is long past. We don't really have sex, oral sex for him, that's about it. And when we do then he can't finish without talking about having another man involved. Now he's starting to talk about it outside of the bedroom, getting another man involved. I have no desire to have another man in our bedroom, I definitely don't want to see my husband with another man. But whenever I say anything about it he says it's just talk, just fantasy. 
He's not an easy man to approach when it comes to certain things. He gets very defensive, very quickly. I feel like I am at the end of my rope.


Sat Jul 30 11:56 pm  #2

Re: Husband in Denial

You have every right to voice your opinion, especially if you are not comfortable with it. A true partner would take that into serious consideration and respect your boundaries. Instead your spouse seems to be escalating and concerned only with himself. Being able to perform only when imagining another man in the room is a bit of a red flag I think. From my perspective (male hetero) I never needed to imagine anyone else in the equation.


Sun Jul 31 2:57 pm  #3

Re: Husband in Denial

Dear Frustrated,

Welcome.  You have every reason to feel frustrated.  Your wants and needs matter too.  What do you want?  What about you?  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  You are not alone. We have been in your shoes.  Keep reading and posting. 

"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."

Mon Aug 1 3:05 pm  #4

Re: Husband in Denial

Hi frustrated,

I'm sorry that you need to be here, but you're in the right place.

Not every fantasy needs to be disclosed to one's partner - I'm sure there are plenty of fantasies out there that would highly offend one's spouse, and the smart person doesn't open their mouth about them.  After all, if a person has taboo sexual thoughts that they don't intend to try to make a reality, there really IS no reason to discuss them with someone that will be appalled by them.  It's not as though you don't truly 'know' a person without knowing every one of their secret thoughts.

I say that because your husband keeps subjecting you to his "purely fantasy" desires despite your repulsion and complete lack of desire.  He is doing that for one of two reasons: 1) he thinks it'll excite you (which can be discounted since you've made it clear that it does not), or 2) he's trying to get you used to the idea, in the hopes that it'll become less shocking to you over time, and more acceptable  And therefore more likely to happen.  The other alternative is someone who doesn't have a firm grasp on interpersonal relations (i.e. - someone with Apergurs Syndrome), but you'd already know that issue existed.  So I think we can establish that he's talking about it NOT because it's purely a fantasy, but because he hopes to someday make this a reality.

So.....  now you have an issue.  A man who cannot complete the sexual act without talking about having another man involved.  That - in and of itself, is HIGHLY concerning.  Throwing something kinky or naughty in occasionally would be okay.  Having it be the same thing every time and having it be necessary to bring him to orgasm is a "tell" - it's the sign that he's into highly excited by the thought of male sex - so much so that the actual act of sex with a female doesn't even compare to it.  That's trouble.  And talking about bringing a man into the bedroom isn't just talking fantasy - it's talking reality.  He does want this, despite what he says.

You can firmly tell him that sex with another man involved is NEVER going to happen, and that it repulses you, and that if he continues to bring it up - either in conversation or in the bedroom during sex - it will be a sign to you that he doesn't respect you.  And maybe - just.... MAYBE.... that might work.  At least for a while.  But the root of the problem is still there.  He's gay, and he's married to a straight woman.  His ability to control what comes out of his mouth won't make his sexual attraction change.  And you will still be left with the same issues at the core of things.

You need to go to counseling and discuss how YOU feel - how the life you lives does or does not fulfill you.  What YOU need out of a marriage, and whether or not you should have any hope for that happening within this relationship.  Then, after you come to a better understanding of what your reality is, you can start deciding between your options.

I wish you the best -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Mon Aug 1 9:24 pm  #5

Re: Husband in Denial

I have friends that are gay, my best friend is gay. So I have absolutely no problem with anyone, other than my husband, being gay. If he's gay then I feel that he should tell me and then let us go on with our lives, separately, or something. I don't feel that he's being fair to me. I don't get it. Why won't he tell me? I know I should confront him but that is so much easier said than done. We've been married for 15 years and have a good life together, or so I thought. 

Thank you everyone for your support and letting me vent. And try to figure things out.

     Thread Starter

Mon Aug 1 10:00 pm  #6

Re: Husband in Denial

"..So I have absolutely no problem with anyone, other than my husband, being gay."

Right... I never had a problem with gay people but I never thought my wife would turn into one.    I feel that that is something I would have liked to have known...    I even asked my friends from college and they never saw that in her.   

But  gay, purple or green I will/would not share my wife with anyone.   The disloyalty to me as a spouse and friend was astounding.      I would physically shake with trauma when she would go out with her girlfriend..  always "we're just friends"...  but then I read the horrible evidence..  yes I hacked gave me no choice..  No, my body was physically telling me I was being violated on so many levels.

I'm divorced now and although alone I have no one calling me an ahole via text as they sit with one betraying and cheating on me.     

I say snoop...  find your evidence if you must.. but it may be academic...   tell your husband if he wants to be gay to go live his gay life without you.   I think we all have fear of being alone etc and we love our spouses and lives  but the disrespect becomes a form of abuse..      We did not get married to be abused.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Tue Aug 2 11:00 am  #7

Re: Husband in Denial

Sometimes I think that one of the things that attracted my NGIDXH to me was that I had a lot of gay (male and female) friends.  I am not sure if it brought him comfort that I had no problem with people being gay or whether it gave him the ability to hang with gays (my friends) while not admitting he was gay, or whether he thought since I did not have a problem with it that I would loosen up and swing that way.   But I think my gay-friendly stance was part of the attraction for him.


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."

Wed Dec 13 8:44 am  #8

Re: Husband in Denial

I haven't posted in a while but I have decided to file. My husband has said he wont contest the divorce. He is so elated and emancipated that he can go and live his authentic life now. I feel empty and so heart sore.


Thu Dec 14 8:25 am  #9

Re: Husband in Denial

  I don't have any advice and no real comfort to give you, but I wanted to write to say that your pain is heard and I feel for you.  


Thu Dec 14 11:42 am  #10

Re: Husband in Denial

Wonder Woman,
You did the right thing.  But I know your pain is real and I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I hope you reach out to your support system and that time will bring you the healing and happiness you deserve.


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