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November 12, 2017 3:44 pm  #21


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

Codie,
 I think you ought to consider consulting a lawyer.  Think of it as learning what your rights are, and what options you have.  And be aware that in some places the person who files first gets the first and last word in a court hearing, so it's in your interest to be the one to file, because you get to rebut your wife's response to your initial statement. I think you also should be wary of trusting your wife not to be making contact with a lawyer, especially now that you've told the other woman's husband.  He may force a separation and your wife and her hand, and you should be prepared.  

 

November 12, 2017 4:28 pm  #22


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

I tend to agree. Having an initial chat is educational. It will also mean that your spouse cannot use that same lawyer at a later date. At the moment it sounds like you might even be able to mediate on a fair split. In that case all you need is a lawyer to help dot the i's and that can mean more resources to split instead of handing more $ to lawyers.

In the meantime, it will be hard not seeing her but it sounds like just as much pain if you have to see her. I know there's an inclination to worry but remind yourself that she is an adult and can take care of herself.

There is a chance that things may get rocky for a bit. It sounds like the 'other woman' is not happy with you. Maybe she will push your spouse to get mean, maybe they will have a spat. Maybe she will go, or pretend to go, back to her husband. Maybe her husband will force the issue. Don't get used. Do not be the safe-port in a storm (until they kiss and make up). You have value here. You have just as many rights as she does. I think you have seen enough to justify being a bit wary. Be your best friend.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

November 12, 2017 9:49 pm  #23


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

I spoke with my wife this evening. She has been out apartment hunting and is spending the night in a hotel. Why does that make me feel terrible ?

Finances for us will end up a little tighter than usual but we are fortunate enough to maintain our lifestyle supporting a mortgage and rental. But at the same time I don't intend on remaining unemployed. She told me to take my time finding a job I am comfortable with since I was in kind of panic mode. 

And so most importantly there are the kids. I have no interest in withholding them from their mother and she is even coming tomorrow night while I go out for a breather to watch them. The only thing I am not a huge fan of is the other woman being around them at the moment.

Also there is the fact that my wife always seems to leave the window cracked for me about the possibility of us getting back together, telling me she is going to continue to go to counseling and work on things and herself to make sure she is making the right decision. I know that it is absurd to think this way but the fact is I still love her and I thought our relationship together was great. We never struggled to be together, other people used to tell us we were disgustingly happy and wanted to be us. We even picked out where we were going to retire in 15 years 3 months ago. A crazy thing to be thinking about that far in advance but forever was never really a question. 

I will probably check into the mediator route after our joint counseling meeting on Tuesday. Hopefully it closes some of the denial I am clearly in and I will begin moving a little further forwards. My only real concern though is realizing in 2-3 years that I shorted myself playing nice and not getting a lawyer. 

​I also asked my wife if her and the other woman where going to be moving in together. For one it would help cost wise and I was honestly just curious. 

​She sounded a little dejected when answering, telling me that the other woman was again unable to commit and they were going to talk about it more again soon. The other woman's husband has not yet forced his wife out although they have discussed separating from what he told me last time I spoke to him. He is allowing her to set the timeline although I have a feeling his mind will change as he digests the information I gave to him yesterday. 

​And again, I didn't necessarily force my wife out in anger. The truth is is that I still love her and there is nothing harder than telling her to leave the home we purchased together to raise our children in. But at the same time I know the possibilities of us staying together at this point are slim to none and I need to start healing and it was starting to become to much of a toxic environment for my children. 

     Thread Starter
 

November 12, 2017 11:09 pm  #24


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

It's always hard when they move out.  It's something you expect to happen, and something you know is for the best, but the reality of it all is depressing.  I got divorced in early December, but being "Mr. Nice Guy", I told her that she could stay until she was able to get her home purchase complete.  I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my kids by having her move out.  I didn't want them to remember me "kicking her out" or anything like that.  So by mid-Jan when she was finally ready to move I was very ready to have her gone.  However, despite the frustration of that extra month with her around.. the actual event was very hard on me.  It was like the final nail in the coffin.. the end of an era.. an era that I didn't want to end.    The good news is that it got better very quickly after that.  I was surprised at how much happier I was within just a couple weeks of her being gone. 

The other thing I find interesting is your comment about not being sure you want the other woman around your kids.  You sound like you are cautious, but not necessarily angry or hateful toward the other woman.  I can't claim that nobility.  I was very hateful..  if I'm honest.. I still am.   I forced my ex to sign a divorce agreement stating that she couldn't have the other woman move in for a period of time.  I also told her verbally and in text many times that I forbade her from having the other woman near my kids.  Sadly I can't enforce that..  so my ex did move in her lover and it does make me very angry.  But again, there is nothing I can do about it.  I just hope they blow up and that wretched creature moves away.. never to be seen again. 

Keep moving forward my friend.  You are doing great..  nothing easy about this, but you're doing really well!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 22, 2017 5:42 pm  #25


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

update of sorts... 

​My wife has yet to move out although she has been scheduled to and there has been numerous delays with the apartment complex.. 

​Her relationship with the other woman has just about come to a close of some sorts. Once reality hit in some way things kind of self destructed. Our relationship is certainly not back to normal, but it seems as if my wife is more so concentrating on her own background and what caused the affair and searching for something outside of our marriage to begin with.. 

​We have been to numerous counseling sessions together and separately through out this experience. Her biggest concern about us is her " sexual anxiety " towards me through out our relationship.

​Has anyone else had that experience with their spouse when this has come to light ? 

​I was always under the impression that things were pretty good in that department, although there have been plenty of things with in our relationship that have been exaggerated through out this process. 

​Honestly for some strange reason I still kind of have hope for our relationship and it almost seems as if we are both growing as individuals and learning things about ourselves through out our counseling sessions.. We have just started to scratch the surface on a lot of her background issues " father disowning her when she was 7, shitty step dad, and a creepy older man who was a father figure to her ". 

​We have yet to discuss divorce and I feel as if I shouldn't abandon her in a time of need since she was there when I had some issues in the past, although infidelity was certainly not my issues. 

​But long story short, I am going to ride this out a little longer I guess. I may be just emotionally damaging myself to some degree, but at the same time she has been my best friend for 18 years and at the very least I wouldn't abandon a friend, let alone my wife. 

     Thread Starter
 

November 30, 2017 1:44 am  #26


Re: My wifes sexuality is in question

um, I don't know how to put this but you are par for the course - wife admits to being lesbian and wants to live with girlfriend.  Relationship falls through and straight husband to the rescue.

part two.  New girlfriend.  Or the same one.  You will know it is happening because she has got more shirty and standoffish with you again.

If you are lucky this time it sticks and she releases you.  If you are unlucky she works out how to have her cake and eat it.

If you can, I would suggest moving off this play sheet and going back to your own.  Make your own decision what you want in life.  Please don't pick nurse-maiding a lesbian in denial as the easier option because you don't have to break up your family and move on into an unknowable and uncertain future.  It's not.

oh and don't go down those rabbit holes of past trauma.  It's today that is happening and what she's doing today that's affecting you both.  Her "sexual anxiety" will never go away unless you have separate bedrooms - you are a man which isn't right for her and she knows she is cheating you as well as herself out of sexual intimacy and love.

whatever you do look after yourself and don't take the blame for this whatsoever.  be gentle on yourself at all times.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (November 30, 2017 1:45 am)

 

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