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August 2, 2016 6:45 pm  #1


My story...one step forward and another back....

Dear Keepinghope, 

I just wanted to share my story.  I have benefitted greatly from so many of yours.  I'm not wise, just weary and disenchanted with being angry or actually even going into it too much as it is painful and it is past.  There is a lot of wisdom in letting sleeping dogs lie, but here I am waking mine up and looking in it's mouth.....something I seem to do regularly anyway.... trying to understand this impossible situation.  Now I'm one year post separation.  The divorce is final just a few months ago.  And as for Dday...hmmm there were a few....

I married my GIDX after a very short, mostly long distance courtship. I remember thinking him gay as a very fleeting first impression, but being Mormon dismissed it immediately.  Now I think I've always known on some level.  He is not a manly man.  Quite vain (had a liposuction just after I had given birth to our third child FFS). Good-looking.  We were both virgins, both religious and devout.  I meet him in the summer July and then left for Uni in another state, then in December he proposed.  I went back to Uni.  We married in June....  I counted something like 26 days we had actually spent together physically when we married.  

We seemed to get along, but small arguments, adjustments.  Had our first child and moved to the UK....now it starts.  He decides to leave the church.  Starts drinking after having NEVER drunk.  These are two BIG BIG DEALS to this little naive Mormon wife with a baby in a foreign country now going to church alone, I was heartbroken.  All my dreams shattered of what life would be like with a man who now didn't share the religious faith that was our commonality.  It was so devastating.  He would come and support me, but said he had lost his faith.  I say fine, okay, but it is a hard road.  I consider divorce, but I love him so....

We have another child.  I am consumed with the child rearing and he is a decent dad.  So I'm pregnant again and find I have crabs while pregnant with our third child.  I never even knew this was a sexually transmitted thing.  He mentioned it could have been at a sauna....  

We now have three children under five. The more obvious signs begin.....I find gay porn on the home computer.  I confront him.  It was just curiousity.  I buy it, but inwardly I am terrified.  Now I think, I knew, but with three young children I didn't want to know anything.  He took me to TUBS.... a hot tub place as a date.....total gay hangout.  I thought why does he even know about this place?  Odd choice for a date night 6 weeks post partum quite dangerous really......

With leaving the church and TGT hanging over me, I insist we start marriage counselling where he says "he doesn't have a voice"  "She doesn't let me decide anything."   As is so common, he gaslights me, tells me I am the problem always in any dispute or disagreement.

We are actually part of John Gottlieb's large study, and so it was free....we got questionnaires for twenty years that they paid us to answer.  I am sure they had us down as divorcing, and wanted to see if their theory held... I should get in touch! 

When our youngest is 18mos.  He brings home a new friend, not from work or church and is vague about how they met, I was suspicious as he too is very fey.  They go out and do stuff.  Cycling trips overnight.   Now I know they met cruising.  He says that he 'understood' him.   GIDX says they never had sexual contact, but bonded over the fact they both had baby buggies in the back of their cars!!!!!.... sexual contact doesn't include blow jobs apparently.  Maybe I should call him Bill. 

We move abroad again with 3 young children.  GIDX is gone most days from 7 to 7pm AND taking Japanese lessons in the evening, angry with me for wanting help when he is working so hard.  I ask him to come home early one night a week, so I can do something outside the home and for my career, but he won't.  I bend over backwards to be nice, plan a huge holiday for him alone as that seems to be what he prefers, making me feel like I am an irritant.  Nothing is never enough, he tells me I am a princess for wanting to do things that are expensive in this place where to find anything in English is always expensive.  (Now I know he had a six month affair with a woman during this time....wanted to see if he was gay was one excuse....he was NOT working so hard....)

We fight whenever I ask pretty much anything of him emotionally, so it always ends up being my fault for being needy or demanding.  He says awful things to me and is mean and verbally abusive quite often.  I contemplate divorce often, but it seems crazy because sometimes it is great.- like living with Dr. Jeykell and Mr Hyde.  With our three lovely children I go to visit family leaving him for four to six weeks during the summers because we are expats.  He enjoys being alone, he says..... never calls....

Then one day walk into the home office and he minimizes a tab. I see 'gaydar' so I look it up.  I confront him.  He says it was just nasty talk with strangers.  Didn't meet anyone. I'm getting harder to convince.  I nearly divorce him then.  But after a few heart to heart talks, really you can tell me.... is there anything else I need to know about....really I want to be close and understand you, you are not alone, I am really ready to hear the worst...but blah blah blah blah.... He says nothing.   Tells me he has nothing to hide.... I believe...

All lies.

He did meet a man on gaydar, a man who he says may have been in love with him.... (a gay friend says this is highly unlikely that a gay man would stick around just for BJs.)  They meet "not so often" according to GIDX, but for over 6 years!!!  He complained the man pursued him.  It was always a complete lack of personal responsibility, not his fault, even now he says it was just a teenage phase....due to his restricted upbringing and is very sorry for all the pain, but he is 'done with all that'.  

But I know that is just yet another way to dodge facing the reality of his actions for 25+ years.  I would not have divorced had I thought that it would be over.  I read here Cameron saying the effort to NOT act on the SSA is like "trying to hold a beachball underwater"  And I see that my husband was always techy, irritable and reactive, like someone who was making a huge effort inside.     

Fast forward another six years during which he quits his very good job and retrains.  I begin my own business. He is depressed and hates his new job that he retrained at great cost to his financial future to do.  Feels I am the enemy as usual.  I try.  I think let's move to the USA and start to make big plans, he takes redundancy.  I have a dream of a business, but when I ask for his help, then he refuses even though he would have no job in this new place.  I realize that I will never be able to progress my career or life with this man who will forever react to me as if I want to control or harass him.   He does nothing.  Just is depressed.  Angry at me.  I find a letter on his computer from a woman (the one in tokyo) he denies everything, but says it was a friendship, kisses maybe.... He plans a holiday I don't go on.  

Now (why now you ask dear reader?) he says he is 'over' his need to be naughty.  BTW he has said he hasn't done anything for two years at this point, (but  tells me about meeting with his gay blow job partner) which doesn't count because they didn't do anything?  He is living away he insists he has done nothing, but join a swanky gym full of beautiful-bodied city men!  

I finally say I do want a divorce, I'm so tired of being blamed for his obvious unhappiness. Tired of being told I am the problem when it feels like I just get sucker punched by my husband, the person who says he loves me, everytime I need some sympathy or encouragement or appreciation, especially around the pain of his affair with a woman.  I put up with so much shit and heartache around the gay thing....the woman was really the last straw.  

 You'd think that when he told me, "the only person I have slept with is HER...."  I should've just kicked the fucker out.... but......another six months of me feeling devastated and trying NOT to talk about it with him.   He makes no effort for our anniversary.  If I bring up the affair, then he counters by saying have an affair, you'll see it means nothing.....  What loving husband says that? 

He finally gets a job in another town and moves out while I continue to work and live in the family home.  He tells me he will never return to this town.  I wonder what else I don't know about?  We keep trying, half-heartedly on his part.  And he is nice as long as I don't mention anything about my pain.  The revelations keep coming when I do make contact.  He feels freer and more honest, nailing the coffin of our marriage shut.  Telling me it was 25 or so men..... in public toilets and private homes.... 

About this time, I find this forum.  It helps tremendously as I see how many stories are like mine.  I see it all more clearly.  I decide to go no contact and maintain no contact mostly quite well.  I find a new man.  I try to get on with my life, which thankfully I have kept intact.  He so nearly convinced me to sell our family home, move internationally again, we pulled out of the sale at my insistence.... I think it would have been so much harder had that happened.  But as you all know this is so hard.  27 years of having someone there.  Not being alone ever and now I am mostly alone.  

I told our three now adult sons.  They just don't want to know really.  One son seems angry with him.  I think they all see it as quite bad, the lying, but are more accepting of the sexual ambiguity which is how I feel to as I always knew about TGT, just believed he never acted on it in my naivete.   I tell a few friends.  I told my sister in law recently.  I have a right to tell the truth. I don't care if he is or isn't gay, he is a lying manipulator and has done enough to deserve the label or at least suspicion that he is gay.  He didn't protect me from anything.....including STD's when I was pregnant!!!!  It feels like being thrown under a bus at times. So I out him to a few people.  

Recently we are together at a wedding, and don't speak.  The next day I text and call, slightly worried about his mental state.  He finally answers and tells me he is angry with me because he seems to have a new woman who is so understanding.... So he couldn't do the hello, how are you thing due to his rage at me.  

Anyway the mind fucks keep coming, so really no contact is best...but even now it is hard.  We did have good times.  I have never really seen him as a monster.  I know his background.  It is homophobia and it is in him....still.  I have to laugh.  He says "Even if I could go there (live a gay life he means) here (pointing to his body) I can't go there here (pointing to his head) THIS FROM A MAN WHO HAD HIS COCK SUCKED IN TOILETS.....BY MEN AND A GAY LOVER FOR SIX YEARS, and probably loads of shit that I will never know.  I called again recently and made him cry as I really hammered it home how much I had tried in complete devotion to make everything work while he was 'exploring his sexuality'  He says he hadn't grown up yet....it was just a phase.  

Now he is looking to be in a committed relationship.  I think it will help enormously as this beautiful woman has no children and a high powered well-paid career and so will not be needy or dependent and so can deal with a needy dependent confused bi-sexual on her hands.... I nearly wanted to email her a warning.... But I have to laugh and think of Kel saying - HAIR ON FIRE HAIR ON FIRE.  RUN....

 It is still a bit of a process trying to heal.. so I do a lot of stuff to feel better.....which initially just was a lot of crying. ALOT. but it is getting much less these days.  Talking to friends.  Meditating... that seems to help the most as i am part of a group and they are very supportive.  Tai chi - also a go to for me. Reading here... posting a little.
Reading fiction.  Learning that life is suffering and for many others more unfair and random.... learning to be kind to myself a bit more....just be a mess. and it is okay.  it is hard.  I'm still not 'over' it..... 27 years.... it is gonna take time.... 

I admire you all so much, so much wisdom here.  Thanks for reading.  Well done finishing such a massive post.....it is good to write it out a bit.  But there is so much left out really in all our stories....like that happy ending....but hey I'm an optimist.  I'm gonna hold out for one....



 

 

Last edited by Leah (August 30, 2016 1:32 pm)

 

August 2, 2016 8:11 pm  #2


Re: My story...one step forward and another back....

Leah,
Thank you for taking the time to tell your story, how very brave of you and so many others. It never ceases to amaze me how many of our stories have so many similarities. I'm working so hard to move forward, I refuse to let this turn me into a bitter and angry person. But the truth is I am damaged to the core, my kids are hurting, and I gave 30 years of my life to a con man who is now most likely headed to prison for a despicable crime.  He had an awesome life and family, and he threw it down the toilet, with no regard for anyone but himself. Run like your hair is on fire? As fast as you can, and don't look back.

All the best.

 

August 2, 2016 9:29 pm  #3


Re: My story...one step forward and another back....

Leah, Thanks for telling your story. It never ceases to amaze me how our spouses can deceive, lie, manipulate and gaslight. Mine did it for years. A part of me suspected something fishy but I did not want to know it or believe it. Even when it all came to light. He was that good at lying, and I loved and trusted him that much.

I'm a year out from my undeniable discovery, and final confrontation. He never would admit to being gay, but he did admit to enough. And I saw enough evidence. It's still hard to believe the person I loved and trusted did all this behind my back.

I'm in my mid-sixties, as this was a second marriage for both of us. I had the advantage of children grown and an income to support myself. So I left and I am building a new life. I'm on antidepressants to control the crying and sadness, and the anger is fading somewhat. This is after just one year. But that first year: sheer hell.

My only advice is take the best care of yourself that you possibly can, find people here or IRL to talk to, and give it time. You can't go around it, you just have to sit with the pain until you get through it one day or one hour at a time.

This is not our fault. We cant fix it. All we can do is find our own way forward. Wishing each of you peace and hope for a better future.

 

August 3, 2016 3:52 pm  #4


Re: My story...one step forward and another back....

Leah - you are correct.  You ARE lucky that he never asked to reconcile again.  What if he had?  What if you had decided to try again and wasted even more time!? 

As far as him seeing you at a wedding and being angry with you...I think you need to turn the tables on him.  The next time you see him at a public place or event you need to institute no contact asap.  Look away, walk away.  His acting angry is just further manipulation on his part.  You should act angry at him!  What on earth does he have to be angry about?  This is so typical of the shit these people pull!  Is he angry he didn't get enough hook ups in the bathroom?  Maybe he's angry that the Tokyo lady didn't work out.  Or even better, maybe he's angry that he only gave you 356 crabs instead of 357.  Who the fuck knows.  But whatever he's angry at, the LAST thing it should be at is you.  He should bow down and kiss your ass and thank you for not punching him square in the head or taking out a full page ad in the paper telling people what an awful, manipulative liar he is. 

Like you, I told my sister in law too.  In fact, I told her before we got a divorce or were even separated.  I didn't mean to, it just slipped out one day after yet another D-day when I had found more gay porn and she happened to call.  To my surprise, she told me "if I were you I would have left a long time ago".  She didn't have any idea he was gay as a kid but she said what he had put me through was ridiculous.  I told her about the gay porn and the naked selfies and the dildos and the STD.  I had another sister in law that I did not tell (his other sister) but we were never really very close, nor was she close with my ex.  She very much appeared to be a lesbian (married with two kids). 

After the back and forth and all the moving are you back in the US?  Are you near your family?  I hope so.  Hang in there.  It will get better. 

 

August 11, 2016 12:00 pm  #5


Re: My story...one step forward and another back....

I am so amazed how similar all of our stories are! Especially the long term marriages. But another story that stands out is the 'homophobic attitude' of the gay (GIDXH). When my GIDXH finally told me about his gay lover of 20 years, I asked him if he was going to move in with him and he said 'If he thinks I'm going to cozy up on the couch with him now, he's crazy.' So he not only was leaving our 29 yr marriage but also denying his gay partner a real relationship. He was cruel to both of us.MEAN MEAN MEAN....that's all I can say about that. BTW today would have been my 32nd wedding anniversary!! I'm so glad to be free. I think I'll go out and celebrate. 

 

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