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November 11, 2017 6:44 pm  #1


Wife of 8 years tells me she's gay. Idk what to do!

My wife and I have been together 8 years and have a 3 yr old daughter together.  My wife is my best friend and the only one I have ever turned to in times of need.  I don't have family to turn to so the past two days I've spent curled up on the bathroom floor crying and shaking, not knowing what to do or how to think.  I love her so much and she says she still loves me but just not in a sexual way.  I don't want to rush into anything and through her out on the street because I care so much about her.  I don't know what to do.  I am in tears as I type this.

 

November 11, 2017 10:12 pm  #2


Re: Wife of 8 years tells me she's gay. Idk what to do!

jgriffin, you are in shock so rushing is definitely not something you should do. You need to process this bombshell information. You need to think about your child and what is a healthy environment for her but also for yourself. You won't get those answers immediately but they will come in time. Step one is to breath. Remind yourself that you didn't cause this and there is nothing you could do to make her change her orientation. When this happens it is hard to know what was real about your past. How long has she known this? Why are you finding out now? Was there ever any infidelity? Did she meet someone? (FYI - I'm not asking you to provide this information to us, just that these are some of the things you need to find out for yourself.) You need honesty. Your spouse has declared that the nature of your marriage is now changed but the truth is, you get to have a say in this as well. Right now I would suggest that you take some time to consider all the various options before having that conversation with your spouse. Decide what you can and cannot live with. Find out what the rules are in your jurisdiction in terns of separations, divorces, child custody and so on. Even if you don't think you are going in that direction it is best to be informed in advance. Make no hasty decisions that may bite you later. Don't move out. Also you should see if you can find some sort of counseling, even your family doctor might be able to direct you towards help. Check the SSN main site and see if there are any meet-up groups near you. They even have a phone line for triage purposes. Come here as much as you like and ask questions, read other's stories, even vent. We get it, we know what this is like. You will survive, hang in there.

Last edited by Daryl (November 11, 2017 10:13 pm)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

November 11, 2017 10:39 pm  #3


Re: Wife of 8 years tells me she's gay. Idk what to do!

Thank you so much Daryl.  I'm so lucky to have people like you there to walk me through this.  My head is spinning and it all still feels like a dream.  We both still love each other and I want to be there for her as she is for me but sometimes that just makes it hurt worse.  I just bought "The Other Side of the Closet" so I'm going to start reading that tonight.  Again, thank you so much!

     Thread Starter
 

November 12, 2017 12:45 pm  #4


Re: Wife of 8 years tells me she's gay. Idk what to do!

jgriffin,

There's a reason you've been crying in the bathroom there's a reason why you feel angry one minute and sad the next.  This is painful.  The heartbreak is painful, the break up of your family is painful.

So you twist and turn and hope to find some way to stay together anyway, every way you face is painful.  

But you need to have hope.  So you need yourself.  Give that man on the bathroom floor a hug, do everything you can to be a good friend to you.  It matters that you hurt this much.  It will get better.

And you still have a daughter.  That does not change.  Give yourself some time to start thinking about your future.  

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

 

November 12, 2017 1:17 pm  #5


Re: Wife of 8 years tells me she's gay. Idk what to do!

Lily, interesting that you mention hope. Yesterday I was at a Celebration of Life for a family member and the pastor spoke about Faith, Love and Hope. The paraphrased version - Faith looks to the past. Love lives in the present. Hope looks to the future.

jgriffin - perhaps your faith in your own past is now in doubt due to this revelation. Your love is in conflict with this doubt. When the one thing that you had no doubt about now seems be in question what can you believe? We all want to believe in the person we vowed with. The shock, sadness, anger and tears 'rollercoaster of emotions' is something I think the majority of us have gone through but the hills and valleys do become less steep given time. Hope is something we all need to believe in but it needs to be realistic and speak to the future well being of all involved. Take the time you need to find that hope, there is no set schedule.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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