OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



October 31, 2017 8:33 am  #1


Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

As October comes to a close we start into November and December.  For most of us these months include our major family centered holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas).  For most of us, our family is much different than it was in years past.  We have broken homes, stressful relationships, and a lot of loneliness.  These times that used to bring great joy will now bring great pain to many of us. 

Let's plan ahead and come up with some strategies to make the holidays better. 

Veterans:
If you have already gone through a set of holidays after the discovery that your spouse is gay, what have you learned that you could pass on to others to help? 
What strategies do you have for spending your time, adjusting your expectations, setting your mental frame of mind?

Newbies:
If you are new to this and facing your first holidays in this new dynamic, what gameplan will you put in place?  What strategy will you employ and follow to help get yourself find joy and not pain?

I want those people who are new to this to have already thought about some strategies to cope.  Let's all share some ideas to help. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 31, 2017 8:42 am  #2


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

This is a great article:
http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/happier-holidays

Sorry it's long, but I want to post the whole thing here

If you’re going through a divorce or separation, you probably haven’t even thought about the holidays. But experts stress that it’s important for people who are in transition to develop coping strategies well in advance of the major calendar events. Holidays like Thanksgiving, Passover, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve can intensify feelings of sadness, loss, and failure. For newly separated and divorced people, the holidays can really emphasize how much their lives have changed.

If you’ve spent every significant holiday with your children, being apart from them for the first time can be devastating. Ted, a Chicago-based architect, remembers his first Thanksgiving away from the kids. “I went to see a movie alone and all I could think of was my kids around the table without me,” he says. “It was pretty well the lowest point in my life.”

Adjusting to the holidays as a single person without children can be just as stressful. After her divorce, Anne spent the first few Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with her parents at their home in upstate New York. The 37-year-old legal secretary felt like she had regressed into a second childhood. “I love my parents,” says Anne, “but the whole me, Mom, and Dad thing was just too much.” Roberta, a separated PR consultant from San Diego, tried to escape her loneliness and depression with shopping trips to local department stores. “I couldn’t believe my credit-card bill in January,” she says. “But the worst part was that I kept seeing happy families everywhere. I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘why can’t that be me?’”

Even if your life isn’t exactly where you’d like it to be right now, the good news is that we all have choices about how and where we spend our holidays. Look at it as an opportunity: by being proactive and exercising these choices, you can create new and meaningful traditions for you and your family. Here are seven strategies and tips for enjoying – rather than avoiding – the upcoming holiday season.

1. Take a Positive Approach  No More Holiday Blues by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer is an inspirational little book that offers positive suggestions in a quick-read format. He maintains that as adults, “we’ve come to believe that the holiday season is really only for children... thus only children can enjoy the holidays; adults must suffer through them.” To illustrate his point, Dyer has included a chart that compares childlike attitudes (“I can’t believe it’s over already, it seems like it just started”) to “neurotic” adult attitudes (“Thank God it’s over. If it lasted one more day I’d have a nervous breakdown”). Sound familiar? This year, try to recapture some of the joy you experienced as a child during the holidays.

2. Start Planning Now  Don’t wait until the week before the holiday to decide who gets the kids or to blow the dust off your address book. If you have children, it’s important to get some sort of communication happening with your former spouse well in advance; if they’re old enough, get the kids involved in the decision-making process as well. Be fair in deciding where the children will spend their time, and remember that generosity breeds generosity.There are many non-confrontational strategies you can use to navigate scheduling issues for the holidays. You can avoid stress by planning well in advance and being flexible: you can plan a fun Christmas celebration with your kids a day before or after December 25 if they’ll be with your ex on the actual day.It will be very difficult at first not to have your children on a particular day, so you should plan ways to avoid falling into a blue funk. If your ex has the kids on a particular day, you can feel lonely or seize the opportunity to have lunch with an old friend, book a day at the spa, or lounge in a bubblebath with a glass of wine – whatever makes you feel happy.If you don’t have children, or if your ex has them for this holiday, gather up your courage and reach out to your friends and family. Let them know that you’re going to be on your own. You can’t always count on them to approach you first. People can be intimidated by divorce. They may not know how to deal with your situation, or they may be afraid to take sides. You’ll be surprised how receptive they’ll be once you break the ice.Even though you may be apart, there are so many ways to communicate with your children and other loved ones over the holidays. Get technology on your side: send a warm text or email, call, or arrange to Skype with them. Be mindful of not infringing too much on their other parent’s holiday time with the kids – especially if you’ll be seeing them soon. Also, make sure your text message, emails, tweets, videos, Facebook posts etc. reinforce your reputation as a great co-parent. This means no criticizing the other parent, and no pictures of you doing tequila shots at a swim-up bar! (For more information about this, read “Managing your Reputation during Divorce”)

3. Change your Expectations  Give yourself permission to enjoy this holiday any way that you choose. You don’t have to be lonely, even if you happen to be alone. “Loneliness is an attitude that can be changed, and aloneness is nothing more than a temporary absence of other people,” says Dr. Dyer. “If you allow yourself to indulge in self-pity or fantasies of how your holidays ought to (or used to) be and then permit yourself to become depressed, you’ll be defeating yourself and bringing on the holiday letdown.” If you think you’re going to be alone over the holidays, seize the opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do.

4. Create New Traditions   The holiday season is steeped in sentiment and tradition, which is why people who are in transition sometimes choose to ignore the holidays altogether. “I just couldn’t face unpacking the ornaments from our first Christmas together, from our fifth anniversary, or from our trip to Germany,” says Roberta. “I may never be able to bring them out again.” Fortunately, there’s no rule that says you have to keep any of the trappings or traditions from the past. Decide what works for you and what doesn’t – and edit accordingly.Jamie, a divorced mother of two from Toronto, suggests that families of divorce be adventurous and design new rituals and traditions for their families. She turned to her Celtic heritage and developed an elaborate holiday ritual centered around the “cloutie dumpling,” a traditional Scottish cake that she used to make with her ex-husband’s great-grandmother. “Jean and I used to get together and make this dumpling in November,” remembers Jamie. “We’d sit up until two in the morning and she’d tell me stories of Scotland.” Your cultural background is a good place to start when creating new traditions. “Nothing fascinates kids more than stories of your background,” says Jamie. “Through your heritage, children experience a sense of continuity, a sense of who they are as human beings.”There are many opportunities for newly-single people without children, or parents without custodial access, to create their own traditions. Just remember that it’s important to know your limits. If you can’t bring yourself to join a dinner party where you know the other guests will be couples, invite your friends and family to celebrate with you at your home. You can also create a new “constellation” of family or friends for the holidays. Judy, a mother of three from Chicago, created a “friend family” by making Christmas dinner at her house for five of her closest friends.If you belong to a support group, get to know one another socially. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re going to be alone over the holidays, you can get together with people who understand what you’re going through, even if it’s just for a walk or a cup of coffee.

5. Make Gift-Giving more Pleasurable  Gifts are an integral part of the holiday season. Unfortunately, the gift-giving experience is too often accompanied by high prices, commercialism, and heavy crowds – factors that can cause great stress for separated or divorced people.Try giving gifts from the heart rather than the mall: for instance, consider giving a family heirloom to your child as a gift this year. Write a card or note about the heirloom, explaining that it has been in the family for several generations, and what it means to you. A gift of a personal belonging can have great significance, too. Bob, an artist who lives in New York City, gave his daughter his leather backpack, a worn and cherished possession that she had admired for many years; she was thrilled with the gift.You might also consider supporting your favorite charities and arts organizations, or ordering gifts from mail-order or museum catalogues. Visit local merchants, buy gift certificates from a favorite restaurant or from a greenhouse, rent an indoor skating rink for an afternoon, give concert or theater tickets – the options are limitless, so just use your imagination!One of the best non-monetary gifts you can give your children is the gift of good will towards your former spouse. Agree to a ceasefire, at least during the holidays.If you must venture into the shopping mall this holiday season, try to enjoy the experience of being out in the world – the decorations, the lights, the music.

6. Relieve Stress with Diet and Exercise  In her book Anxiety and Stress, Dr. Susan Clark suggests that individuals who are under major life stress gradually eliminate (or at least limit) foods that intensify anxiety symptoms. These foods include caffeine, sugar, alcohol, food additives, dairy products, red meat and poultry, and wheat and gluten-containing grains. Foods that are believed to have a calming effect include vegetables, fruits, starches, legumes, whole grains, seeds and nuts, and fish. (For more about nutrition to help you think more clearly and be calmer during divorce, see “Nourishing your Stressed-Out Brain”.) Be realistic about your diet during the holiday season. Face the fact that you’re going to have that eggnog, but try to exercise regularly; it really helps with your emotional state.

7. Be Proactive  If your family or friends are not around this holiday season, you might want to consider helping out with the festivities at your church, synagogue, or community organization. Reaching out to a neighbor, a shut-in, or someone less fortunate than yourself this holiday season will take courage, but it can give you back your sense of place in the world.Remember that there is nothing inherently depressing about the holidays. “If you anticipate that things will be depressing, you will rarely disappoint yourself,” says Dr. Dyer. “You must look within yourself and resolve to have a positive attitude, regardless of the tasks that lie ahead of you, or the fullness of your holiday schedule.” This year, look beyond the ghost of Christmas Past. Live in the present and plan for the future, and you’re sure to discover the true meaning of the holiday season.


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

October 31, 2017 8:54 am  #3


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

Here are some of our prior conversations about the holidays. 

Creating new holiday traditions - posted by Kel
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=493

Christmas spirit, co-parenting and lots of anger - posted by Iamthelorax
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=286

Holiday Ideas - by JKPeace
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=276


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

November 13, 2018 9:46 am  #4


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

Bumping this thread up to the top for more attention.  There are some good resources here to help us all prepare for the emotional challenges of the holiday season. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

November 14, 2018 4:14 pm  #5


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

Phoenix, thanks for bumping the thread.  I'm spending Thanksgiving with my daughter next week, and trying to think through what we'll end up doing over Christmas.

I have now told my whole family that my husband and I are separating, so I don't need to worry about coming up with cover stories.  My husband hasn't told anyone, so I don't know how he's going to handle things.  I am friends with his sister and a couple of his adult nieces & nephews on Facebook, so I haven't yet posted anything publicly about my change in status.

I do like the idea of creating new Christmas traditions.  I was pretty depressed last Christmas, having only just discovered that my husband was a cheater.  I hadn't yet discovered how prolific and, well, expensive his extracurricular hobby was.  That all came later.  But, my Christmas memory from last year was the moment when he tore into our daughter, telling her that she always ruins everything when she comes home, and that everything is always great until she shows up.  This is because she was trying to pressure him to take my car to work instead of his own -- because we were planning on meeting up downtown, and she thought it would be more fun for the family to all be together in one car (his car is a two-seater).

The reason he went off the rails at her had  nothing to do with anything she'd done wrong, of course.  He went off on her because he hadn't thought of a good excuse for why he needed to take his own car.  His plan was to take the afternoon off from work and go off and have sex, and he needed all his equipment and party toys -- which were in the trunk of his car.  My car would have been impossible for him to take, since it's a hatchback -- there would have been no place to hide his sex toys on the ride home that night.

So he's been getting all mopey about how miserable Christmas is going to be this year, and I'm just biting my tongue trying not to point out that if he gets really lonely, he can just remember the last Christmas he spent in the loving embrace of his family.  When he told our daughter that every time she comes home she ruins everything.

At least it wasn't as bad as the year before, when she came home and found a condom wrapper in her bed.  And you wonder why she doesn't want to come home for Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter.

Last edited by walkbymyself (November 14, 2018 4:15 pm)

 

November 14, 2018 4:41 pm  #6


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

Good Lord walk..  I would want to fast forward to January too.  What a nightmare


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

November 26, 2019 11:33 am  #7


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

Bumping for visibility for the upcoming holidays. Very good tips here!

 

November 28, 2019 2:50 am  #8


Re: Moving Forward: Strategies to survive the holidays?

@walkbymyself  What a horrible experience! Your poor daughter

I wouldn't mind some holiday tips for those couples who are still in the same house, with a child, still figuring out how to separate. My husband is still in the house but moved into my son's bedroom. We're kind of in limbo right now. The last we spoke about our situation was about 3 weeks ago and he wanted to try and work things out but I was like..."no."

We have a teenager who doesn't have a clue that our relationship is ending... I told both my parents in October that we might be separating and my mother-in-law also knows something serious is up. She has contacted me offering her ear & wanting to know what's wrong (um, your son's gay).

Sooo, we're all supposed to hang out for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading that everyone knows something is wrong and my husband & I will be pretending to still be a couple for the day. It's also hitting me that these will probably be our last holidays together as a family.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum