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July 29, 2017 12:27 pm  #11


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Just want to underscore what OutofHisCloset said.  I too wish I had found SSN and ChumpLady much sooner!  Both have been extraordinarily helpful and essential to my understanding and attempts to heal and move on.

(Have typed this out and tried to post it twice before, but it never shows up - weird.)


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

July 29, 2017 6:42 pm  #12


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Maybe this is cheating but I don't wish I *did* something as much as I wish I *knew* things. Mostly, I wish I understood that narcissistic abuse is a real thing and she had my head tied in knots.

 

July 30, 2017 7:22 am  #13


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

jk,
 I don't think you need to worry that what you're doing is training your children to subordinate their interests to others.  First and foremost, the most powerful example you could set in that regard is that you divorced their father instead of capitulating to being a beard and living with a cheating husband (he was cheating on you with that younger man he took camping).  That in and of itself provides them a model of self respect based on healthy self interest.  I realize you were speaking more about asking your children to go visit their father when they didn't want to, but I thought I would give that added perspective.  
   Also, my situation as a child was extreme and not exactly comparable to what you describe: my mother would actively use me to keep the peace by sending me to go sit in my father's lap when he was upset, because I was his favorite child and could calm him down (I was his favorite child, all right, enough that he came into my bedroom at night and touched me inappropriately).  
  Finally, I think the fact that you actually worry about what you model is a good sign that you will make the efforts both to model good behavior and to alter things when you perceive them to need it.  
  Chump Lady has some good posts on co-parenting with a toxic ex, by the way.

 

July 31, 2017 11:28 am  #14


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

I'll add my 2 cents and say the exact same as a lot of you.  I would have gotten out way way way sooner.  When you're in the middle of it you feel like you don't want to give up, especially if it's a marriage.  You're caught in this turmoil of "I owe it to the marriage to really try".  Except...try what?  It's not you who needs to try.  Once you start finding gay porn and dildos in the closet what exactly is it that I could have tried harder at?  Not finding dildos, I guess I could have tried harder at that.  What I did do was try to forget and give second and third and fourth chances only to be met each time with more discoveries.  I never really found a smoking gun, so to speak.  No log- ins to gay websites or voicemails from men, etc.  And in the end, that's what held it up so long.  I wanted cold hard proof, as if finding gay porn and naked pictures of his junk all the time wasn't enough.  In hindsight I should have left after his second chance was met with more gay porn sites.  I forget how many years elapsed.  I think 5?  I like that I can't remember exactly.  I'd rather not know. 

 

July 31, 2017 4:16 pm  #15


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

I wish I had listened and pulled the plug sooner. But I wanted the 'marriage' to survive and all my sympathy and acquiescence to the new 'reality' post discovery was just was fuel to fire. I wish I had just gone to individual counseling or saved the money to use for therapy after the divorce. Marriage counseling for a couple when the other party has checked out is a waste of time.   But mostly I wish I had a better understanding of 'me' and not allowed myself to get into that relationship in the first place.  In retrospect she was never really in love with 'me' and I didn't have the understanding to see that. So when she found her true love it was a surprise,  You believe your partner instead of dealing with the reality that is looking you squarely in the face.  Sadly I now see it so often in the posts here from guys who have just found out.

 

August 3, 2017 3:19 am  #16


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Hi All

I am a year past discovering my husband's secret and its 2 days after my divorce.

I do not regret trying to save my marriage after I discovered TGT - it helped me find closure and peace in the divorce.
I do not regret getting married in the first place - I gained two beautiful sons whom I adore and keeps me going.
I do not regret him being gay - he could have locked me up and tortured me (as so many women are in abusive relationships).  I can handle the shame and the disgust that he actually made me his man - watching gay porn when I am asleep and then wake me up to act like I am the man in his fantasy.

I do not regret walking this path since I am so much wiser now.

What I do regret is that in all the years trying to uphold a fantasy land, I lost myself.  I used to be funny, witty, fashionable, smart, educated and pro active.  I lost my energy, I struggle to concentrate on a conversation,  my clothes are old and boring and I feel so stupid all the time.  I missed who I was and I sorely regret giving up that vibrant person to stand guard before that coward's closet.  Even today, I do not know how to continue my life, because nothing I wanted before matters anymore.  

So the only thing I would do different if I could go back, is to hold on to my true self.  In that, I would never put up with all that stuff in the first place.

 

August 3, 2017 3:10 pm  #17


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Mrs. Lonely, don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time to rediscover yourself. For me the first thing was to recognize that those lost years were not recoverable and that I could not pick up the threads of my life from sometime in the past.

I was in my early 60's when the divorce was final. Resuming up my career I finally had to accept was not going to be possible and I changed my status as "Retired". I did not have the figure for the clothes I used to like and they would not be age-appropriate or stylish now. The men I should be looking at were not the ones I would have looked at when I was younger. I had to learn to appreciate men my age.

So my life was a fresh canvas. First came underwear that made me feel sexy and feminine. Then I hit the second-hand stores operated by various charities and tried out new looks and colors on the cheap. I got a new hairstyle and color at the local beauty school. I joined a gym. I went on some Meetup activities and bus trips. I decorated the house I bought and started the never-ending task of gardening. I treat myself to massages and facials occasionally.

What you wanted before may not matter anymore to you but try to find something new that does. You can become "funny, witty, fashionable, smart, educated and pro active" again as you gradually put down the burden that you have been carrying.  


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

October 22, 2017 1:42 am  #18


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

I divorced my gay husband in1966. I moved on and had a pretty satisfying life, but with the recent political climate in this country, the anxiety, the self-doubt, the feeling so alone have come flooding back.

I wish I had confronted him sooner. By the time I considered it, I had zero trust that he would tell me the truth. After I moved out, he said "I'm gay. I would have told you sooner but I didn't think you were mature enough to understand." Blaming me for his seven years of lying to me.

This may sound odd, but I wish I had been angrier. I wish I had let him know how devastating it was for me to think there must be something wrong with me, when it was his lies that made it impossible to build any sort of relationship. Not all the little lies, but the one big one--I had no idea who this man was. I'd like to phone him now and ask "How could you do that to me?" But I can't because he died of AIDS in 1990.

 

January 22, 2018 9:18 am  #19


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Hey everybody. So glad I found this site. Not glad I had to find it though. My wife of 17 years broke down 3 weeks ago and revealed that she had been having an affair since September of last year with her long time lesbian friend. She moved out of the house into an apartment last Friday. She has explained that she has always felt she was gay but chose to suppress those feelings until recently.  She has always suffered from depression, and she says the loss of our dog in May really put her in a downward spiral. She told me she acted out on those desires after relapsing on alcohol while with her friend. She had been sober for 18 years. She says she needs space to understand if this lifestyle is want she really wants.  Her gay friend lost her job in August and is about to run out of unemployment and wont  be able to afford her rent. I asked my wife if she was going to allow this woman to move in with her and she said probably because my wife cant help her pay her rent.. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce because she is not sure if she wants this or not.  Anyway in the meantime I am struggling with all the emotions that come with this nightmare. 

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis. 
8. And a million other questions.
I have started seeing a therapist but only one visit so far. ( its only been 3 weeks) 
I know all situations are different and no one can tell me exactly what to do, but I would like feed back from the folks on this post that are commenting on what they would have done different.  Thanks. 
 

 

January 22, 2018 9:48 am  #20


Re: Moving Forward: What would you have done differently post TGT

Tim,  I set up a new thread in our support section dedicated to you.  I want you to get the forum's full attention and that is best accomplished in a dedicated thread; 
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=11914#p11914

Tim wrote:

Hey everybody. So glad I found this site. Not glad I had to find it though. My wife of 17 years broke down 3 weeks ago and revealed that she had been having an affair since September of last year with her long time lesbian friend. She moved out of the house into an apartment last Friday. She has explained that she has always felt she was gay but chose to suppress those feelings until recently.  She has always suffered from depression, and she says the loss of our dog in May really put her in a downward spiral. She told me she acted out on those desires after relapsing on alcohol while with her friend. She had been sober for 18 years. She says she needs space to understand if this lifestyle is want she really wants.  Her gay friend lost her job in August and is about to run out of unemployment and wont  be able to afford her rent. I asked my wife if she was going to allow this woman to move in with her and she said probably because my wife cant help her pay her rent.. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce because she is not sure if she wants this or not.  Anyway in the meantime I am struggling with all the emotions that come with this nightmare. 

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis. 
8. And a million other questions.
I have started seeing a therapist but only one visit so far. ( its only been 3 weeks) 
I know all situations are different and no one can tell me exactly what to do, but I would like feed back from the folks on this post that are commenting on what they would have done different.  Thanks. 
 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
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