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Tue Mar 28 5:54 pm  #21


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

I'm so scared to lose time with my babies. They're so young: 3 and 8 months. I don't want to force them to pack bags and move between two homes. I'm afraid to give up the visions I have for their childhood, I guess. I also don't know where I would live or how I would handle finances. He is a great dad, and we are wonderful parents together. However, I have endured 8 years of the same cycle. I find out he's chatting/planning to meet someone/has met someone, he convinces me it's an urge that can be squashed and he has control of it and doesn't want to lose me, I stay and cater to his sexual desires.
I've been to so much therapy. He's been to marriage counseling with me. I know now that this cycle will never be broken. I wish he would just accept his orientation and let me move on amicably. I have zero attraction now and we have no intimacy. I'm 35 years old. I'm also afraid that if I don't figure out a way to take the first step out of this then five years from now I will find myself still here, trapped in the middle of his cycle, the same hurt idiot who missed opportunities to spend time with people who don't make her hide their secrets.

 

Tue Mar 28 6:37 pm  #22


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

maresyd wrote:

I wouldn't be able to financially survive on my own-2 incomes and a big house, to no house and much less income.
That if I told his truth (and mine) it would hurt more people in such a deep way (I obviously knew this). 
It did hurt many, especially because I didn't hold his bags and tell his truth for him.  People didn't understand. I just left, and told who I wanted, in my own time.  Partially to feel safe from his backlash of assholery, and partially to let go of the iron cloak of his issues that I had carried around for so long. 
 

 I'm crying reading this. You've written my life. I'm so exhausted, to the core of my soul, with carrying the cloak of his issues. I feel like I'm a shell of my former self. I avoid family and friends. Every time I tell him I am done, he convinces me that I would be destroying our kid' lives, and that he will work on changing, which I know will not happen after 8 years of the same cycle.  I need help taking the first steps to get out.

 

Tue Mar 28 7:03 pm  #23


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Eliza, hang in there.  It gets better, I promise.   You are not alone.  We all get it, and we've been there.  

Be strong, you can do this.  Build your support fortress.   You deserve better.   He cannot give that to you. 

PM me any time if you need more support.   M


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

Tue Mar 28 9:33 pm  #24


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Eliza,

You've taken the first step by recognizing the truth.  Baby steps..small baby steps.

In terms of fear...it became so demeaning for me and my ex became so cruel that sleeping in my car would have been better.  All my fears about money and the kids were outweighed by the trauma I was living. 

Be kind to yourself. ..there is no set time frame for this.  If you need to stay for financial reasons then do what needs to be done..knowing deep in your soul it is not forever.  Take small steps each day to build your support system..always forward...
We are not citizens of the (gay) valley.  We need not build our home there.  We must go through the valley.  All in good time.

Sincere warm hug.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Wed Mar 29 3:11 am  #25


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Eliza

My heart breaks for you, it's horrendous what you're going through with such young children. Please look after yourself, your children need you to be strong and available to them. Please think long and hard about whether you want to live this lie for years and years, you will survive without it, I'm sure it's impossible to see a different life right now, he's probably trying to convince you it can't be done, it'd be so much better together (a lot of this could be to keep his secret a secret from everyone else) but that's not your responsibility to do.

I like JK didn't find out until much later, 17mths ago.............over 28 years married and when all my children had left home.... years of my life wasted, used and now I can see abused for someone to keep their secret seedy life hidden. I'd give anything to go back and know my truth 25, 15 or even 10 years ago. I can see now how I made allowances for him in so many aspects of our marriage, it wasn't healthy for me or my children but I didn't see it that way at the time. One thing on your side is you know the truth, it'll never change, he's gay.

If you feel you can't go it alone with the children, whether financially or emotionally right now please look to separate yourself emotionally and take time out for yourself, get a life started for yourself and give that a priority.........you'll need it going forward. I feel if I knew back then what I know now I could have taken a weekend a month to go off with friends, put some focus on me as a person and not just a mom and wife - I was the stay at home mom to three while he progressed in his career (which I don't understand how he managed to do so successfully but he did).

Keep posting here and if you have someone to confide in please do, I've found having two absolute rocks and a few others slightly less involved but there for me in my physical world to be of huge benefit to me.

 


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Wed Mar 29 5:12 pm  #26


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Eliza,
So sorry you find yourself here, but I hope you will find much support. Although the stories vary, there are striking similarities in most all of them. I am 2 years out from 30+ years of marriage. The last 5 were hell on earth, consisting of me chasing my tail trying to figure out what in the hell was going on, with him throwing everything including the kitchen sink to blame me for our issues. I didn't leave earlier because I didn't want to put my kids through that, it was the absolute wrong decision to make. As a result, my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, found and heard things from him that he was careless about, and she never told me until after he left and she felt safe. Then he denied it, and threw her under the bus to save himself. I know it's hard right now to see your way clear, especially with the additional stress of a job, but like Rob says, baby steps. Each one you make is SO empowering! Your kids will be fine once you are free of that toxic sludge in your life. Now I have peace and a drama free life, you can do it.

Take care

 

Mon Apr 10 8:32 am  #27


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

My biggest fear is that something may happen and I loose my children. That is the one thing I will not be able to live with.  And I suspect that the children will be his final card to play in keeping me.
 

 

Mon Apr 10 9:24 pm  #28


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Mrs Lonely,

Don't be so sure of that fear... in my state where I  live the courts tend to favor the mother in terms of parenting time..custody if  one chooses to battle for that always favors the mother.    Not that I wanted to take my kids away from  their mother but. I would have had to prove she was a murderer to get custody.   

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Oct 13 12:07 am  #29


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

Heard this and had to pull over on side of the road..fear but not alone..



Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone

Casting Crowns - Oh My Soul


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Fri Oct 13 8:24 am  #30


Re: My Biggest Fear in All of This (aka The Thing That Holds Me Back)

I love this song Rob. 

I've seen Casting Crowns in concert a couple times..  great music with such inspiring lyrics


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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