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Thu Oct 12 6:01 am  #31

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Kel, that was so well put!


Sat Oct 14 3:49 pm  #32

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

I spent quite a bit of time on MMOMW (Making Mixed Orientations Work).    I also joined MonMOM (Monogomous Mixed Orientation Marriages).    We went to a counselor, who had experience with Mixed Orientation Marriages.  We tried to stay together "for the children".  It was only after trying to understand every possible arrangement that I realized that there was no way I could stay married.  There was too much trust lost and too many actions of disrespect.  The marriage was fundamentally not healthy, based entirely on a foundation of a huge lie.  My ex knew he was gay, since he was a young boy.  I found out, after decades of marriage.

Of course, keeping his orientation from me should never have been a choice.  That discussion is for an entirely different thread.  Definitely, not for here.

The other sites were welcoming and honest.  They were supportive of my decision.  They were open to hearing different points of views.  They were kind.  From them, I learned (am still learning) to be very careful about giving advice.  When a person is still processing the shock of finding out about TGT, that is not a time when any of us were/are ready to hear, "Run...!".  We all mean well.  We all want to spare others the pain we've endured.  Of course, there is no way around that pain, and there is no way to rush a decision.

I think when any of us, here, says, "This will never work", it makes the listener very defensive.  In fact, it may slow down their personal decision-making process (whatever that decision ends up being).

I deleted my earlier posts, but many of my posts said things like, "I think that we have a marriage that can be saved."  That turned out to not be possible.  Many more of my posts said, "I hope we can remain friends."  I'm not sure if that will ever be possible, either.

For the record, I am thankful for most of the advice, here.  I appreciate the gentle listeners, as much as I continue to appreciate those of you who are blunt.   This is an excruciatingly painful journey, with no easy solutions.  I am not afraid to consider all perspectives, as I continue to make decisions for myself and my children.  Thank you to all of you who take the time to try to help.  You have helped.


Sat Oct 14 7:20 pm  #33

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?


Thank you for your post. I really enjoy other people’s posts about what they did in their lives and marriages, every situation is different but we can look for the similarities and process easier when not put on the defense.

How can I find those groups you talked about?


Fri Oct 20 5:15 pm  #34

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Hi OC Jamie
MMOMW is a yahoo group it can be tricky to find.  If you're a woman there is also AP or Alternate Path on yahoo groups which is also tricky to find.  PM me if you have any trouble.


Sat Oct 21 2:27 am  #35

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

And on Yahoo, there is also a much smaller MonMOM group, for monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages, mostly made up the struggling straight partners. There's also a group for men, MMTL, men married to lesbians, mostly very angry, bitter and unsupportive of men staying with their lesbian partners.

Comment: It would be, in my view, a real help to have a library section here, where we could post documents that we've found or written, and would like to share. I've posted a number on other sites. Yahoo has that option of a section labled "files".


Sat Oct 21 9:53 am  #36

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Great suggestion Brassy. 

I"m been meaning to create a stick post to outline and catalog a number of different topics and having a single repository of links and resources is a great idea.  I'll get to work on this soon. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

     Thread Starter

Sat Oct 21 10:44 am  #37

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Many thanks for picking up on the idea. Clearly, this site is a first port of call for many, who may need help to find other sources of help and support.


Sat Oct 21 1:03 pm  #38

Re: Is this forum supportive to those who wish to stay in their marriage?

Maybe this will help someone with the question of stay or go. 
I copied and pasted the following quote of a post I read on here some time ago. Im sorry I don't remember who wrote it but I saved it as a reminder for myself who was sliding back into the state of denial. Its one of the best reminders I've seen and I'd like to thank the person that wrote it. As one without enough 'solid' evidence and blinding myself into believing there's possibly logical explanations for my GID behavior to justify staying in the relationship; I re-read this post:

"It's not that it hasn't been discussed here -it's that everyone who has discussed and tried it ends up back here. You're hearing people speak from experience, not negativity.

You say: "the first, is my own curiosity and sense of closure. I'd just like to close this door with as much knowledge as I can find. I can't just slam it shut without knowing as much as I can know". Please know that what you just said is WORD for word what I said as I started to make my transition to a new life. I remember going back and forth with Patti (thanks Patti) and thinking what do these people know! And in the end....they were all right. But you can't see the correct path until you're truly ready to take it. My problem was that my need for knowledge and closure was nothing more than a vicious circle of trails that led to nowhere. Therapists, counselors, people with PhDs, my ex - all sent me down paths to find the truth. The problem is that no one knows, probably not even your husband. He will do or say whatever he needs to keep you. Take out the gay part for a minute. He's already proven that his path to keeping you is to mislead you. In the end, I didn't have peace or closure until I let go of the need for closure (ya -took me a long time to process that one).  

No one is a nay-sayer here. We speak from walking miles in the same shoes. One person on this website would be one thing. Two would be a coincidence. 100s with the exact same experience is just the truth. I'm trying to convey that I know exactly what you feel. I was you. I was literally over him emotionally and physically. But my curiosity and need for answers and closure cost me three years of my life. And in the end, it just didn't come. And 10 years later, it still hasn't come. I'm sorry to say the only closure you will get is letting go. I can't tell you how many times all the nice people who were here years ago when I got here told me that. But it still took me years to give up. Don't be me. Don't get caught up in the need for explanations and closure. The facts are the facts and a liar is a liar, gay or not. That's all we're trying to say here.

There is good reasoning behind why everyone here yells GAY. It's not that we are skewed to lean towards "he/she is gay" believe it or not. Many people who haven't gone thru this assume that we are all that way. Take out the abuse - the one fact you already have in the palm of your hand is that he was on a gay site having sex with men. We don't yell run because we're close-minded. We yell run because 99% of us gave it a shot, the ol' college try, for years, 2, 5, 10, 20 years. We listened to stories of how abuse made him this way and if we could just hang in there, just give him one more shot, just be get the idea. Us telling a new person to this site (who has concrete proof of gay cheating) is no different than us telling a 4 year old child not to touch a hot stove. That child may get angry or not want to hear it, but in the end if they touch a hot stove they are going to get burned. We know this from experiencing it and not only experiencing it but from knowing 100s of others on this site who have been in your exact same position. Of course no one can be 100% sure but statistics alone can almost guarantee that you'll be living this same life 5 years from now if you don't let it go and move on - mentally and physically.

It would be impossible to go back and read three or four years of posts (I'm not sure they are even archived that far back) but I'm telling you without a doubt we have discussed your same situation time and time again. You say you haven't seen any examples of people here saying anything but RUN or he's GAY, but just a month or two ago I can think of a couple of examples where the person didn't really have any concrete proof but just some strange experiences and the answers were anywhere from no, he's not gay to just keep an eye on him. There are most definitely situations where we have told a person to wait and see. But where there's smoke we know that there's fire and we call it out because we see truth where someone inside the situation can not always do so. We hear what you're asking - we're trying to tell you these things based on lots of experience and caring:
1. save yourself - don't waste any more time trying to understand something that can't be understood (that was the hardest one for me, letting go without all the answers)
2. gay doesn't matter in your case. He's proven to be a drug abuser and liar. That's enough reason to move on without closure
3. What you're hearing as bias is years of experience from people who have tried it

Did that help at all? I know it's difficult to process - I had the same feeling of: why does everyone keep saying the same thing when I'm asking a totally different question. But the truth was that the question I was asking had no answer and led down a path that wasn't going to end well. I get it now. Took me three extra years but I get it."
End of quote.

Although this is related to another experience it's wise words to anyone in question. I lurk here more than write as this site is a grounding place to keep me from sliding. I finally acted on the advice from many that said to open up to someone and talk about my situation. I did that after many months of silence and felt a weight had been lifted. Now theres no going back when it's out in the open. There's so much more to tell that I'll post later but my heartfelt thanks and sympathy goes out to all those on here. It's a journey through hell but with the support of each other we will get through and come out stronger and better than ever.
The ones that have our back aren't the ones we are fighting for and against with a hope they'll change. These 'confused' men (and women) only bring us down and smother us into their own dark world of woe. They have their on battles but it's not our job to help them fight it even if they selfishly dragged us in under the guise of loyalty and love. It's a facade and they'll only continue using us as their mask of deceit. They manipulate and train us into thinking we owe it to them to believe or accept the lies and work it out.
In the end the only thing that works out for them is they had a helping hand in hiding while their true self gradually emerges as a full-blown active homosexual. For us it's dependent on how long we let them hold onto us instead of emerging as individuals free from the stress and constant worry they ensnare us with and the ability to move on to someday love and trust another person again. 



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