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Fri Sep 29 11:12 am  #131

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Time for an update.  It's been about a year since my last post, an exhausting year.  So my wife and I officially called it quits last November.  We saw two mediators, a financial one, and a family one.  It was largely amicable, but not without conflict.  The biggest conflict of course was over spousal support.  Obviously she wanted more than what I thought was fair.  In the end she agreed, because it wasn't a big number we were fighting over.  All assets have been split.  Custody is Joint, but she gets slightly more time than me because of the age of our youngest (5) and the fact that she has been the primary caregiver over the years.  This was recommend by our mediator and will change to 50/50 when he is 6 or 7.

No lawyers were involved, but I did get independent legal advice and the lawyer said that I was fine.    

I moved out in February, she stayed in the house until April.  I then lost my job in May.  We sold the house in June after a big and unnecessary renovation.   

My ex is still confused sexually, despite being active in many lesbian groups, she is still not sure.  She briefly dated a women (and had sex), but has ended that.  She is still taking time for herself.  I thought it was in very poor taste to tell my daughter that she was dating a woman before figuring her shit out.  Especially since I've been more than accommodating about keeping my girlfriend secret until the time is "right" 

I ended up dating, and am still with her today.  It started with a lunch in November, (shortly after officially calling it quits), but then she went on a long trip, so really it was January that it began to intensify.  It is an amazing relationship, full of love, affection, and warmth.  My relationship with her makes me reflect back on my marriage, and the impact those years of lack of affection had on me.  I've had to reassess myself a bit.  Perhaps I wasn't the dick I thought I was.  Perhaps, I was just beaten down from all the years of sexual rejection, and was trying to cope with that.  I know with my new girlfriend, I am kind, loving and supportive.  She is strong and independent which I love.  It's so easy to be with her, it's so easy to be kind to her.  I will be introducing her to my kids soon, I've just been waiting for the right time.

The kids are doing "okay".  There is lots of shuffling around between houses which they don't like.  My youngest doesn't understand, middle was struggling the most, and my oldest has been rock solid.  The co-parenting has been tough, but manageable.  When I see my ex at drop-offs, I get this overwhelming feeling that I made the right decision.  There is never any warmth or even a nice smile from her.  And then I think of all the years I lived with that.  So for now, we are just co-parents who love our children dearly.  We mostly communicate by text and without conflict.  Maybe someday we will be friends again, but I doubt it.  She is now calling me a narcissist and thinks that I emotionally abused her during our marriage.  I've read a lot about it, and don't see how that could be true.                   

In the end, my ex thinks I gave up too soon, and that we should have "tried" harder to work on our relationship issues, and "hope" that some sort of sexual desire for me would come back.  The problem for me was that as worked on things, I began to lose any attraction for her, and even began to dislike her.  We were talking in circles for hours, going no where.  Regardless, I just could never see a future with someone whose attitude toward sex was "meh, take it or leave or" and was very clear that she never had any sexual desire for me.  

Best to all of you.


Fri Sep 29 1:43 pm  #132

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Hi Hopeful,

glad to hear the update - good for you.  No of course you're not a narcissist.  My ex went around telling everyone I was a narcissist when we divorced - it's a common ploy.  You're sitting there thinking about how to make it easy on them and they are thinking about how to make it hard on you.  Let's just guess who's the narcissist here.

and saying you gave up too easily!  what can I say - Well Done, Hopeful.  I am glad you are in a good relationship now.

all the best, Lily


Fri Sep 29 5:40 pm  #133

Re: Lucky or delusional?


Good for you.  That is so cool to have met someone already.

I don't feel from your post your.a narcissist..these spouses like to project themselves onto us.

Just be there for those kids..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Sat Sep 30 1:42 pm  #134

Re: Lucky or delusional?

This gives me so much hope!  Thank you.  You deserve happiness with someone who can love you the way you need.


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