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Tue Feb 6 10:45 am  #1

Hunger Pain

I've been on this diet, not by choice but by necessity.  I didn't ask to be cut off from important nutrients, it's just my supplier went on strike and I had no other option but to take what was available.  There were morsels of what I remember mixed with the meals present day...small pieces of steak, leftover chunks of sweet onion and tiny bits of red pepper. The food from before wasn't all bad, but the thing is, it wasn't all good either.  I seem hungry from what is missing now.

That is exactly how I'm feeling regarding my relationship with H.  What he is giving me isn't all bad and yet I'm starving.  For years now I've been begging for attention and not just sexual.  Play some cards with me, take a walk, let's find something on the outside of our normal routine to nurture our relationship.  Let's find "couple" friends to meet up with and share a bit of silliness.  We have no friends on the outside of our family unit...he has never been interested in extending himself in any way.  He is angry and cross most of the time.  TGT is standing in the way of his want to be "all in" with me.

Recently my daughter had a friend of hers stay with us for a while.   Sarah was a breath of fresh air in our home.  She'd come into the kitchen while I was making dinner, "what ya making?"  She'd pull up a chair and offer conversation as she'd chop this or offer to do that.  After, we'd play checkers and it wasn't so much the checkers it was just enjoying simple conversation.  "How was school this week?" I'd ask.  Then she'd tell me everything.  I haven't had that in SO long, someone who actually wanted to spend time with me, who treated me as if I was valuable and important. 

A few weeks ago an apartment came through and Sarah moved out.  I'm at such a loss here...because I had been starving for so long I didn't realize the true extent of being shut out.  Sure I have my daughter still at home but she is working three jobs so her time is limited.  Husband is always on his computer, watching tv or watching tv while on his phone texting.  No matter how much I have asked through the years, he is a man of one thousand excuses as to why he won't join me.

I'm glad Sarah came to stay with us for a while.  It helped me to realize even at the most basic level, my soul is starving to feel connection.  I look forward to the day when I feel the person on the other side of the room is really and truly "with  me."

I guess I'm just ready to order from a menu instead of merely accepting the crumbs my H has thrown my way.  It isn't all bad which makes this all the more confusing...confusing until the pangs of hunger strike, then without a doubt, I know it's time to work for a huge change.


Tue Feb 6 1:25 pm  #2

Re: Hunger Pain

Hi Detour,

I recognise the loneliness in your experience.  Mine was always connected to his phone listening to sport or people talking about sport.  Occassionally it would also be on the tv in whichever room he seqestered himself to.  It's like an electronic wall to hide behind.  Everytime I spoke to him, I would have to repeat it because he had his earphones in.  It made him angry to have to give me the some time of day. 

He would never socialise with my friends or family even though he has nobody himself.  I begged him to attend a friends wedding with me and to see my newborn niece.  He wouldn't come to birthdays or Christmases.  I was always the one who had to explain the absences though.

It just isn't fair. Then on the rare occurences that they do give you some of their attention, it's like water in a desert.  You forgive all break your fast just long enough to get you through the next drought.


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