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Tue Feb 6 9:24 am  #1


Others reactions...

My ex came out to me following our very recent split on Sunday.  It is making me question everything about our relationship in minute detail.  It is painful and I can't stop my brain from going over the details like a film reel.  I told my sister what was happening on Monday, I felt I needed support.

Her reponse was 'why are you upset?'.  That hurt too.  Is this common?  Am I not allowed to feel upset that the majority of my adult life has been built on layers and layers of lies and manipulations?

 

Tue Feb 6 10:48 am  #2


Re: Others reactions...

How insensitive.  Why would anyone even be confused about why it hurt?  Is she saying that because you were already splitting, that nothing he said about your time together should hurt now?  Like the minute you split, nothing that ever happened (or is now revealed to have happened) matters?  That's preposterous.

I'd tell you to tell her to have her put herself in your shoes, but it likely wouldn't matter.  People who say such things are notorious for telling you that they wouldn't be hurt if they were in your shoes.

Yes, it's very affecting to find out that what you thought you had was built upon a lie.  It invalidates all the feelings that you thought were authentic over the years.  I myself felt like I couldn't look back at the happy times and actually know that he was happy.  I assumed he was, and I kept fighting for my marriage because he kept telling me that he was happy.  But he must not have been, and then what was all that for, ya know?  I can't look at old photos of us without thinking "He knew in this picture that he was gay. And look at me, smiling like a chump, just killing myself to make him happy.  Second-guessing what was wrong with myself that he didn't want me."  It invalidates your entire marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  We're here for you.  We can relate.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Feb 6 12:53 pm  #3


Re: Others reactions...

Thanks Kel,

Yes I think because she never liked him and was relieved that I was finally apart from him that it was just one more thing on a long list.  We were splitting because I couldn't keep taking the emotional abuse anymore. I couldn't keep going through the cycles of arguments and accusations with sukly sulleness.  The alcohol abuse and paranoia.  I stupidly blamed myself for his depression because I couldn't sexually perform what he wanted to satisfy him.  I was convinced I was frigid because thats what he told me over and over again.  (He even sent me a post about being asexual).  Now I know I could never satisfy him, its hard to believe I turned all that pain on myself and not question him.

So yes I think my sister was just relieved and can't understand why after I had finally come to my senses that it would hurt me still.  I did try to explain to her why this was tearing me apart but I could tell that she still didn't get it.  In her mind he's a loser and I should just make the clean break.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 1:16 pm  #4


Re: Others reactions...

Welcome Sasl, 

I'm glad you told someone.  I encourage you to build a support network.  It was insensitive for your sister to say what she did, but I don't think she intended to hurt you by doing that.  She will be there for you and be a strong ally.  

I had to correct a few people during my time as well. I heard a few comments that hurt me, but I told them so and explained why.. and they apologized and said they were glad i had mentioned something to them.  that's just my experience though..  it might or might not work for you. 

It's hard for someone who doesn't love that person to understand why it hurts and why it's hard to un-love that person.  They just don't know what it feels like. .they see the other party as detestable and don't understand and imagine our feelings must be like there feelings.  I think it's human nature.  It's hard to put yourself in another person's shoes.  

There is also a big difference between leaving a person because it was wholely your choice.. vs having them leave us or change into something we don't want.  That's a very big


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Feb 6 1:36 pm  #5


Re: Others reactions...

Thanks Phoenix,

This discussion site has already been so helpful in opening my eyes to his behaviour.  It is comforting to know that I am not alone and that there are people out there that get it.

Sasl

 

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 2:07 pm  #6


Re: Others reactions...

Sasl,

Your sister has likely seen him hurt you so much for such a long time that her heart has turned to stone against him.  Therefore, anything else he does just makes her more glad that you got out.  I can understand that.  But she should also realize that you dedicated your life to this person, and his love and acceptance of you was paramount to your happiness.  And now that you've learned that you didn't even have that, it just hurts all over again.

If none of this hurt you, you'd be so bitter that you couldn't even feel again.  And that's never a good place to wind up.  The fact that you still bleed when pricked means your heart is still tender and beating.  It's a good thing.

This too will lose it's edge.  It's going to pass much more quickly than if you were still in love with him, though (although I don't know if you still are or not).

Why did your ex tell you this now?  Why not earlier?  Or why not never?  Did he explain that at all?  Or did you question his reason for doing so?  It may have been purely to cause you pain.  Which would be enough for me to make it look like he couldn't possibly cause me any pain at this point.  But that's just stubborn old me.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Feb 6 2:22 pm  #7


Re: Others reactions...

Oh Sasi, I’m sorry this has happened to you. He sounds like a beast and yes it is good that you are finally free but of course is really really hurts.

It’s early days, you are in shock. Please look after yourself as best you can. Please also get STD tested.

Keep posting, everyone wants to help you through this horrid part of your journey.

 

Tue Feb 6 2:24 pm  #8


Re: Others reactions...

Since he told me I've done nothing but question him.  I feel like I keep getting half truths  but then my trust is completely blown.  He was my confidant in life, my rock and yet he hid who he was for so long.

He says he doesn't know why he suddenly decided to come out.  He said he's gay but now he say's he like men and women.  He says he hasn't been with a man just talked to them about nothing in particular but not sexual.  See what I mean, half truths and lies.  He thinks I should stop torturing myself, stop asking questions.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 2:27 pm  #9


Re: Others reactions...

Thanks Duped.  It is on my list to do.  He says he hasn't been with a man but I can't take his word for it.

     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 5:02 pm  #10


Re: Others reactions...

Sasl wrote:

He says he doesn't know why he suddenly decided to come out.  He said he's gay but now he say's he like men and women.  He says he hasn't been with a man just talked to them about nothing in particular but not sexual.  See what I mean, half truths and lies.  He thinks I should stop torturing myself, stop asking questions.

It's very common (at least among the stories I've heard from people on this site) for a closet homosexual to waffle a lot as they start the process of coming out of the closet.  They are struggling with their own identity and battling their desire vs. their fear of what life will be like when the world sees them for who they really are.   They are also battling with guilt over what they have done to their families.  Most don't admit this part.  But the label "gay" carries a worse connotation in our society than "bi".  If they can pass themselves as "bi" that means they did truly love you and desire you and therefor are much less guilty and terrible than if they were "gay"... meaning they have no real desire for you. 

Soo... get ready for that roller coaster.  He will be all over the place for a while.  He'll be gay, then bi, then straight, then gay again.. it'll change as he sticks his toes in the water and tests out the new swimming pool.   That part that's awful is that he'll go back and forth on blaming you.  Don't be one bit surprised if he tries to blame you for your marriage not working out or some rubbish like that.  When they get overcome by guilt they will defer the blame away from themselves.  My therapist warned me about that last part, and yet it was still a shock when she actually did it. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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