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Tue Feb 6 1:46 pm  #11


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

It’s not procrastination it’s cognitive dissonance. You know you need to leave to find peace and happiness but you can’t come to terms with why and all the reasons and lies. It takes time, but in the wnd you have to let go of the shore to sail to a better place.

 

Tue Feb 6 2:02 pm  #12


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

andrea-lost wrote:

Everyone is sleeping except me. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I have no self love. Am I hopeless:? I really dont see me making it through this. Took some Nyquil. I hate being so weak.

Wish I’d known. I was tossing and turning all night, I even thought about going online to see if anyone else was awake.

 

Tue Feb 6 4:36 pm  #13


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

I don't sleep much myself. The minute I wake up, all these crazy thoughts go running through my brain. 
I just wish I could tell my sister, I know she would be so supportive and get me off my butt to do something about it. I just can't face it, I am too ashamed. 
I have days where I just want to tell him that I know what else he has been doing by going to a gay bath house and looking for hookups on CL. I just have my ducks in a row yet so I don't think that would be wise. 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 4:40 pm  #14


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Roo wrote:

I am too ashamed. 

Why are you ashamed Roo?   Would you explain this to me?

I wonder if it would help you to put words to that feeling and explain it.  You don't have to of course..  But going through the exercise here might be really helpful for you. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Feb 6 4:52 pm  #15


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

I can't really confide in my sister, either, so I get where Roo is coming from.  In my case, it's not that I'm ashamed, but in truth I know she'll be badgering me to go out RIGHTTHISMINUTE and get a divorce, and I am just not at that point.  Explaining it to other people would just be exhausting -- I don't need to be defending myself, in the middle of all this.

 

Tue Feb 6 5:23 pm  #16


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

walkbymyself wrote:

I can't really confide in my sister, either, so I get where Roo is coming from.  In my case, it's not that I'm ashamed, but in truth I know she'll be badgering me to go out RIGHTTHISMINUTE and get a divorce, and I am just not at that point.  Explaining it to other people would just be exhausting -- I don't need to be defending myself, in the middle of all this.

I understand that we all have reasons why we might not feel comfortable confiding in other people.  Feeling ashamed is one of the most common.  But it shouldn't be.  I want to help people overcome that feeling and find pride in it's place.  It seems impossible, but it's not.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Feb 6 5:31 pm  #17


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

I never even told my attorney the details of my story. I just told him that my H had been deceptive since the day I met him and I recently found out about it.  I didn't want the weirdness of it all to distract him or I from the work that needed to be done. Also, they don't really need to know the details unless you're expecting to go to court. That was the last thing my ex and I wanted. 

I think we all "get" the shame of having been duped on such a grand scale.  People don't even like to admit that have been scammed on a small scale - it's embarrassing.   If people find out now by any of his actions post divorce...well then I guess that will put to rest why the perfect couple is no longer together. And, It would sting less now.

 

Tue Feb 6 6:37 pm  #18


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

phoenix wrote:

Roo wrote:

I am too ashamed. 

Why are you ashamed Roo?   Would you explain this to me?

I wonder if it would help you to put words to that feeling and explain it.  You don't have to of course..  But going through the exercise here might be really helpful for you. 
 

I think I am embarrassed that I am hanging in there for now and not taking action. I think I'm also embarrassed for him too. Part of me wants to protect him and the other part wants to rip his nuts off! 
One day it seems like this is not real and I forget about for just a little bit, then I find more 'evidence' and it all comes rushing back that this reality. 
 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Feb 6 8:40 pm  #19


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

I feel a little foolish that I missed so many signs for so long. I was so trusting. Now I’m just so angry that the trusting person is gone and I’m just this angry bitter cynical monster.

 

Tue Feb 6 8:50 pm  #20


Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Roo. 

Let me share with you what I feel are two of the most desirable qualities I would wish for in a spouse.  These are things your parents or grandparents or councilors or pasters tell you about.  These are the qualities you praise when you give a toast on your 50th wedding anniversary party.  This is what you thank your spouse for when you lay on your death bed and say your parting words.  These are the qualities you don't hear in country music songs and sitcoms, but rather, the ones you learn about through real life experience. 

1.)  Perseverance and commitment.  Marriage isn't always a party.  Love is hard.  People grow and change.  You learn over time about the weaknesses and shortcomings that lie under the surface.  The weak people in our world turn tail and run after the honeymoon period ends.  They give up on marriage after a few years when they find out that it takes some work.  They cheat on their spouse when the sex isn't "good" or frequent enough.  They trade their spouse in for a younger version because it makes them happy.  
The spouse I want is the one who loves me through the hard times.  She puts in the hard work knowing that marriage is an exercise in perseverance.  She loves me when I'm not as handsome or athletic as I was when young.
A spouse who hangs in there after finding out their spouse is gay is a hero in the realm of perseverance and commitment.  The world completely understands if they run to the courtroom the next day, but somehow the world fails to see the incredible character of the one who gives it some time to make sure it's the right thing to do. 

2.)  Compassion.  This is when you love someone else so much you put their needs in front of your own.  This is selflessness.  Poor spouses are selfish and lack compassion for their mate.  They put their own needs first.  They do what makes them happy and leave the other to fend for themselves.  When their spouse is suffering, they wish they could take that pain on themselves and they often do.  They wish the best for their spouse even when it means they have to sacrifice and their lives become worse for it. 
What better trait could you ask for than a spouse who puts your needs in front of themselves?  This the quality you can't even admit you are looking for in a spouse because it makes you look selfish for desiring it.  
You are displaying true compassion for your husband.  The world sees how much pain he's inflicted.. the lies and deceit and they expect you to hate him and lash out and want to hurt him.  Instead, you are concerned about his well-being.  You want to support him through this because even though it's killing you inside, you still care about him and you want to protect him from the world.  The world doesn't see it, but you are displaying the finest qualities of love. 

Roo.  Don't be embarrassed for displaying the greatest qualities any person could ask for in a spouse.  Be proud of yourself.  Know in your heart that you've lived up to your vows and been a better wife than any man ever deserved.  Pride Roo!   You're the best of the best.  How many people would have stuck with this marriage even now after knowing the truth.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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