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February 5, 2018 7:22 pm  #1

I need to stop procrastinating

I have always been a procrastinator. I think maybe it's because I am afraid of failure. I keep putting off talking to a lawyer, although I have a list of names gathered and I have tried contacting one through email.
Well, today I logged into one of his gay hook-up sites (I created a fake profile months ago) and he is planning on going to this huge gay sauna on Sunday. I happen to be going out of town for the day. He posted a message asking who is going and that he wants to go into the man cave and get on the sling and basically wants to be gang-banged (barf). 
I'm just ... at a loss. I can't even shed a tear right now. So while I'm spending the day heading 4 hours away from home, doing a ship inspection (I am a new travel agent trying to get my second business off the ground) he will be off getting laid by some skeevy, strange men! I am so pissed at myself for not taking action sooner! Why can't I get off my butt and DO something instead of letting him get away with this?? What is wrong with me? I am scared to death that I am going to fail at this. I know our (my) future of being able to travel places is now probably not going to happen. I'm so over this. Sad, depressed, frightened and livid. What a jerk!!! 

Last edited by Roo (February 5, 2018 9:26 pm)

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~

February 5, 2018 8:40 pm  #2

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

You can't be too much of a procrastinator if you are someone who starts and runs their own business. You have a list of names of lawyers and have reached out once. Progress!  Now that you have the names, you are prepared to reach out to another one quickly in a moment when you are pissed enough and strong enough to do it. 


February 5, 2018 9:06 pm  #3

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

I have had the name of a divorce lawyer for a year. Got a referral from my business attorney met with her and never followed through with the divorce attorney. I get things done on time all the time. I own my own business too, I cant let go of the hope this nightmare will go away and my life will go back to normal. And why do we have to "divorce ourselves". That's the question I ask. I've been shredded reduced to a shell of a human being and now I have to start the divorce process too?  You just are a kind person with hope in your heart.  You want your life back as do I.  You want to turn the clock back and see the face of the person that loved you. Nothing wrong with that. Its wrong we have been put in this position. I'm terrified. Alone. Will he just sign off on the papers like I'm fast food delivery or will he make me out to be the horrible villain after he cheated and abandoned me. I need to take action too. I'm new here. I'm afraid too. We are being asked to take the decisive step in ending everything we thought was real in our lives. So yeah, I'm procrastinating too. And terrified. But aren't we already alone?


February 5, 2018 11:53 pm  #4

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

andrea,  it's your soul, it's your self love that's asking you to " take the decisive step" in ending his abuse of you.  You weren't meant to live as a "shell of human being".  It doesn't matter how he reacts, your head will be held high with self respect, that's what gets us through. 


February 6, 2018 1:00 am  #5

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Everyone is sleeping except me. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I have no self love. Am I hopeless:? I really dont see me making it through this. Took some Nyquil. I hate being so weak.


February 6, 2018 1:10 am  #6

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

andrea,  You're not hopeless at all.  You're experiencing the symptoms of trauma.  You can get help for that, many of us have. Look for a trauma-informed therapist. They focus only on you and what happened to you.  I hope you sleep well tonight.

Last edited by Lynne (February 6, 2018 1:10 am)


February 6, 2018 1:15 am  #7

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Roo, when the time arrives to follow through to the final signature, you'll know and not a moment sooner.  The person we are always the hardest on is ourselves. Sure the truth is obvious and it hurts, but I think eventually we wake up, I mean really wake up to say "heck no," before we swim away.

I confided in our family therapist what is really going on with my H.  She wants me to identify that elephant in the room...she said only when I'm ready.  Last session she was pushing for a meeting between just my H and I.  THAT is not up to her, she doesn't seem to  get that when and if I say "enough" is the only real power I have in this impossible situation.   Once I scream the opposite of "I do" (I don't), that  will be it. Period.  End of this chapter.  I must figure out my "then what" first. We all deserve a moment of pause to solve for x.

ANYWAY Roo, you've got this!


February 6, 2018 8:20 am  #8

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Roo, Andrea,

You are not idle.  You are gathering strength.  No one on this board including me can tell you when to do something... Well maybe Kel..

I think that's when my fear became a non-issue...when things got so bad at home that sleeping in my car would have been better, when things got so bad that any fear o
f being alone was peanuts compared to the blatant cheating and abuse I was getting.

You do things at your own pace..whatever you need to do..if you have to stay,for now, for financial reasons while he cheats..then do so making your plans...knowing it is not forever.

I stayed...partly for financial reasons but also because of my kids.  I took small steps every day..I opened my own checking account..I would check out rentals in my town..small steps.

Do not beat yourself up or put yourself didn't create this.   Discretely maintain status quo and gather strength..

Be kind to yourself...self care and self compassion.

Last edited by Rob (February 6, 2018 8:21 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 6, 2018 11:38 am  #9

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

Procrastinate:  To put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.

The main reason for procrastination?  Because it's something you really don't want to do.  There may be many reasons why you don't really want to do it.  Maybe you don't really want the end result, despite knowing you must do it.  Maybe it's just too difficult - or you anticipate it being too difficult.  So now you're adding layers - you don't really want the end result (despite knowing it must be done), AND it's crazy hard to even GET to the place you don't even want to be.  And maybe on top of all of that, you'll need to struggle through opposition just to do the thing you don't really want to do, which is scary hard to do anyway.  It's no wonder you're procrastinating!  It's perfectly natural.  The bottom line is that you're scared.  And who would blame you?  Not I.

BUT....... at some point, you need to determine WHY you think the thing (that you don't really want) needs to be done.  If you can't identify that, you'll never have any motivation to be brave enough to make the first step.  WHY would you want to divorce someone you love?  Someone with whom you wish it could just work out?  Someone that you wish would validate you and love you the way you want and need to be loved and validated?  WHY?  Because they're NOT doing that, and they're never GOING to.  Which means that you're choosing to remain tied to someone who's essentially emotionally abusing you with their lies and betrayal.  Someone who's keeping you for what they can get out of you - because they sure as hell can't be with you for YOUR sake and treating you this way.  So WHY do you need to divorce?  Because you're worth more than letting yourself be taken advantage of.  Because you won't CHOOSE to be stay for that abuse.  Because no matter how difficult trying to extract yourself from the situation may be, it's GOT to be better than what you're currently doing..... which is choosing to sit still when you know the next blow is coming.  Think about that for a moment.... HOW can any legal process be worse than finding out your husband is making plans to be gang-banged this weekend by strangers because you're out of town working????  What part of the legal process and the resulting divorce COULD be scarier, more angering or more dangerous than that to your emotional well-being?  It can't.  It won't be.

We make the mistake of thinking that the potential fears we can encounter are scarier than what we're already facing - or have faced in the past (and have gotten through).  We think maybe we're not strong enough.  YOU.ARE.STRONG.ENOUGH.  What does "not strong enough" even look like?  I mean, does it mean that you'll cry sometimes?  Does it mean that you'll need to reach out to others for support?  What does "not strong enough" REALLY mean to terrify you so much?  Would you die of grief?  Trust me when I say that if you can handle where you are today, you can handle anything the future throws at you.  WHAT could POSSIBLY be more difficult to go through than finding out the person who you thought cherished and loved you and had devoted their life to you is constantly betraying you?  WHAT part of the divorce process could POSSIBLY be more difficult than THAT?  I'll tell you - NO part of it is more difficult than that.

The issue here is that you're already in so much pain that you fear that if it gets any worse, you won't be able to handle it.  Well, it don't GET no worse than this.  Divorcing is extricating yourself from the pain.  It's not causing the pain.  Yes, it comes with it's ups and downs.  The hardest part though is what your spouse can put you through emotionally.  Considering you've already handled the apex of pain from a spouse, you're already standing at the top of the damned hill.  It's alllll downhill from here, sister.  Your poor heart breaking was the worst it's ever going to get.  And you've already proven that you were strong enough for THAT.  Hell, sticking it out every day with that person is harder than leaving.  Trust me on that one.  There are lots of us that thought that leaving would be the hard part, only to find out afterward that sitting still in that pile of crap with a smile on our face was way worse.  We hadn't counted on that, which is why we just kept sitting still.  Never did I ever just feel the switch flip for me.  Never did I ever feel that I just couldn't sit still one more day in that pile of dung.  One day I decided that I didn't want to be the person who sat still in that and was okay with it.  That I couldn't be the person who CHOSE a life of sitting still in a pile of shit.  That it was my decision, and that I did NOT want to be okay with not being okay.  I could no longer choose unhappiness.  Because in the end, that's what it is - you choosing to be unhappy.

The other fear is that when we finally get free, what if happiness isn't there, either?  What if.... THIS is as happy as we'll ever be again?  What if THIS nightmare is better than what is to come if we leave this person?  It's NOT.  Because you get to choose your story when you're the author.  Right now you're just a character in THEIR story.  And the character you are right now is the long-suffering spouse who's afraid of the world without their abuser.  Is THAT the character you want to be???  You're okay with that?  Get angry already - you are NOT that character.  You know why?  Because NO ONE would CHOOSE to be that character.  And you REFUSE to sit idly by and be written that way.  You are a freaking warrior who's already survived the death of their own heart.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You are NOT "ending" the marriage. THEY did that.  You are legally setting yourself free.  Lord knows they already set themselves free a long time ago.  If that's what they wanted, then let them have it.  They're of no use to you now.  They're your abuser, not your friend.  NO FRIEND would EVER treat you the way they are and have.  You do not need them.  You'll see.  You're stronger already than you know.  You just don't know it yet.  But you will.  You will look back and realize that you always had it, and you'll wish you'd known sooner.  You will look back and realize that this - THIS moment right here, right now, was the apex of your life.  The point in time where you decided that you were worth more, and that you believed it, and you jumped anyway - even when you couldn't see the ground through the fog.  And you will know that it was your moment of faith in yourself that turned everything around.  That without that moment where you said, "Fuck it" and decided not to be held hostage by fear, you would never have become the person you were meant to be.  You will trace it all back to the moments you did the hard thing despite the fear.  That's courage - it's not the absence of fear, but it's doing it anyway, despite the fear.

JUMP.  The ground IS there beneath your feet.  You don't have to see the entire journey to take the next step.  If you can see the next few steps, that's good enough.  That's all any of us can see ahead of time.  Other people are not stronger than you, nor can they see further ahead than you.  They are NO DIFFERENT than you.  We are all just people who refuse to be held hostage by fear.

Now pick up the phone, call the until you get a hold of a lawyer for a consult, and go see them this next week.  It's ONLY a talk.  You can do that.


Last edited by Kel (February 6, 2018 11:48 am)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

February 6, 2018 12:32 pm  #10

Re: I need to stop procrastinating

detour wrote:

.... when the time arrives to follow through to the final signature, you'll know and not a moment sooner..... eventually we wake up, I mean really wake up to say "heck no," before we swim away.....when and if I say "enough" is the only real power I have in this impossible situation. Once I scream the opposite of "I do" (I don't), that will be it. Period. End of this chapter.


This! how I feel. To reach a point of no return. Until then.......
I'm stuck in the impossible situation

*no longer between a rock and a hard place*

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