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February 4, 2018 4:44 pm  #1

Having such a hard day


Last edited by CJNewYork (February 9, 2018 10:01 pm)


February 4, 2018 7:30 pm  #2

Re: Having such a hard day

Rant away! It does help but I hope you don't mind if I make a couple comments. I would expect anyone who was into me as a partner would be, at the very least, polite to my family. Nice is not hard to do. As for generous? How - monetarily? If so, how hard is that if you already have more than enough financial resources at your disposal? Personally I'll take someone generous with their time and compassionate in their interpersonal relationships. From what you've told us so far I get the feeling that this super generous nice person never really existed and was just a front. The lawyer activity shows his true nature. You know the truth and now he wants you out and silent. Make the best deal you can but figure out where the line is between ideal and good enough.



February 4, 2018 9:52 pm  #3

Re: Having such a hard day

I know what you mean. My husband loves being the life of the party, too.


February 5, 2018 10:49 am  #4

Re: Having such a hard day


What are YOU getting out of this settlement?  So far you've revealed that you need to keep the truth under wraps.  What do YOU get in exchange for that?  THERE's your bargaining chip.  Personally, I wouldn't agree to keep the truth of his deeds under wrap no matter WHAT he offered me - because it's MY life, and it's part of MY story, and I have the right to tell anyone I want about MY story.  Even if others don't like it.  So I wouldn't agree to that.  But..... if you intend to never tell anyone anyway, then I'd use it as my bargaining chip.  Trust me when I say that that's his most valuable possession, and he'll pay a lot to keep that secret.  I know you don't want to bribe him, so to speak.  You love him - and you miss him.  And you want to be a good person.  I get all that.  But when this is over, all you'll be left holding is whatever you can get out of this settlement.  You may as well work it for all it's worth.  Because trust me - once he's done with the legal aspect of this, you'll likely never hear from him again.  Never a sorry, never an "I miss you", never any good enough explanation.  You'll get nothing after this is over except whatever you've managed to get for yourself legally.  Make sure it's enough to help you survive and not be destitute.  And the only way to do that is to NOT agree to his demand of silence - until you get exactly what YOU want.

I'm sorry he's done this to you.  I'm sorry you're suffering.  But be smart right now so you can thank yourself later.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

February 6, 2018 1:58 pm  #5

Re: Having such a hard day

CJNewYork wrote:

Now he’s paying me large sums of money to get rid of me

Nope - he's paying large sums of money to keep his secret safe. This isn't about you at ALL. You are just the person currently in power of destroying the secret. There may have been someone before you, and it already looks like there's someone after you.

CJNewYork wrote:

kinda sad that he’s happy to pay me whatever at this point.

Well of course he is - his secret is the single most important thing to him.  It's more important than having authentic relationships, than having his heart's desire, it's more important than keeping his hard-earned money.  It.trumps.everything.  He's just a whimpy little boy at heart - one without enough courage to face the music and tell the people in his world to hell with their expectations and constraints.  Take him as he is or leave altogether.  He's too scared to do that.  What people think of him is way more important than who he really is and them accepting that.  Yes, it's sad.  But he has the power to change it.  And he won't.

CJNewYork wrote:

His new beard must be really special to him. Or i must be so pathetic he’s paying me to leave.

Neither of these things are actually true.  His new beard is no more important to him than you were.  She's just a pawn in his game.  You were no longer willing to be that once you found out the truth.  She likely doesn't know the truth at all.  She won't for a long time - and that's if she's smart enough to find the truth and see through his lies.  Do you understand just how scared he must be to not even have faith that he could be alone for a TINY bit of time without people discovering his truth?  He either has that little faith in his acting ability, or the people in his life are onto him and he needs to constantly keep his armor shiny or they'll figure out the truth.  Think about that - he's so paranoid of his secret being found out that he's willing to constantly live with women that don't fulfill him.  He'll freaking build a life with them, fake his way through love, and do it over and over again because and then throw large amounts of money at the issue when he fails.

Have no shame here.  You found the truth, you fought your way through what to believe, and you came out so powerful that he had to pay you large sums of money because he considered you THAT dangerous to his lifestyle.  Of course he was able to fool you - he lies to himself every day - and even he believes it.

Thank God you extricated yourself from that train wreck.  Now you can go onto find a life that isn't a lie.  With someone who authentically appreciates and cherishes you.


Last edited by Kel (February 6, 2018 1:59 pm)

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

February 6, 2018 8:54 pm  #6

Re: Having such a hard day

CJ: you mentioned that the settlement prohibits you from discussing his secret. Did you have legal representation, and did your lawyer go over the parameters of this part?

I ask because these things can be pretty nuanced. There’s nothing unusual about a settlement agreement with a non disparagement clause. But you might have a non disclosure clause, which is different — it prevents you from discussing the terms of settlement (I.e., so his next beard doesn’t find out how much she can get out of him).


February 6, 2018 10:55 pm  #7

Re: Having such a hard day

I guess in my case, my husband wasn’t honest with me about why I wasn’t getting any sex, so by definition he doesn’t meet the standards you’re asking about. Dishonesty itself is a big part of the problem. Let’s say I had the perfect dream husband, and he had some disability and lost the ability to make love. Of course I’d stay with him, but that’s not what I have. I have a husband who concealed his attractions, who kept me in a marriage without any physical evidence of love or intimacy, and who I now know has been satisfying his urges outside of the marriage while I remained involuntarily celibate on the false assumption that this was what my marriage vows asked of me.

It’s not a question of an otherwise perfect husband with one tiny little flaw.


February 6, 2018 11:01 pm  #8

Re: Having such a hard day

For me it goes beyond sex.  Sex is the indicator of something else, and that "else" is intimacy, of the kind that goes beyond physical sex, but includes it.  Physical sex helps to create it, too.  Can this person love me, deeply love me, desire me?  Perhaps this is what's indicated by "forsaking all others," which doesn't mean, "I'm not going to have sex with anyone else, despite temptations," but "is this the person to whom you can commit your love?"  With my stbx, who is more in love with himself while acting out his fantasy woman, the answer is no.  And because the answer is no--he's more committed to his vision of himself as a woman and in love with that vision/woman, and his object of intimacy and desire is that fantasy woman--I don't want to stay married.  I want more than that. 


February 6, 2018 11:07 pm  #9

Re: Having such a hard day

Yes, walkby, I agree.  My husband refused to have sex with me as a male--he refused to use his penis.  There was no more heterosexual sex.  This changed things.  If he'd simply had erectile dysfunction and therefore wanted to have hetersexual penis-in-vagina sex with me I'd have been happy to find other ways to pleasure each other.  But this was completely different; it was a refusal, a denial, a rejection.  This is to me the trans equivalent of the gay husband who wants to give and/or receive only anal sex.  It indicates a rejection of the partner at a very basic level.  


February 7, 2018 4:10 pm  #10

Re: Having such a hard day

Walkby the thing is he IS interested in sex, just not with you. You may think you can live without sex (btw 50 is still SO young) and that may be ok if it was just that both your drives had petered out but if he’s going out getting it elsewhere, getting thrilled by others then is it still ok to say hey I’m 50I can live with that.

I’m not ever desperate for sex, unless I’m with someone I love and am attracted to, I can actually live fine without it. I cannot, or could not however accept my then partner looking for thrills and sex with himself and others whilst leaving me wanting. I really wanted to have sex with him and he kept excusing it and seeking it elsewhere. I could not live with that.


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