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Sat Feb 3 3:18 am  #1


Is this Proof Enough?

I am new here, married 42 years, I am 63 years old. I want to say my "marriage " has been what I thought was a loving and good marriage. Our friends always tell me how lucky I am to have the husband I do. I was sick for a year and he took care of me, I have now recovered. I am still working, have a happy life........BUT

About 15 years ago, I found gay porn magazines and confronted my husband about them, he told me they were a joke from a co-worker. I choose to believe him. About 12 years ago he had minor heart problems and after that had difficulty getting an erection, so our sex life has been non existent for 10 years. He got frustrated when he tried to get an erection, so I just accepted with aging even though he was in his early 50's at the time, it happens in marriages.....BUT NOW

Then 4 weeks ago, I discovered 3 gay porn magazines, anal sex toys, lubricate. He shaves his pubic hair, I found fecal matter on the outside of his pants (back of waistband, and inside near zipper). I asked him how his pants got so dirty and he became so defensive, says they were dirty to begin with, it was no big deal. I have searched his iPhone and computer there is nothing on his phone of any signs of actual encounters with other men. I even checked his GPS addresses where he traveled on business and nothing like gay clubs are showing up. I have checked her search history. 

So here are the facts:
1. 3 gay porn magazines
2. anal sex toys and lubricate
3. shaves his pubic hair
4. fecal matter on pants
5. no sex with wife in over 10 years
6. make inappropriate comments or jokes about gays
7. Contracted hepatitis A about 10 years ago, told me it was from eating shellfish, but always "embarrassed" when doctors ask how he contracted it

Do you believe he is having sexual encounters with other men?
I have NOT confronted my husband with my suspicions, yet. I intend to "investigate" a few more months. Regardless, he will never admit it to me, he will deny, deny, deny. I so desperately just want the TRUTH.

Thank you so much for your response.

 

Sat Feb 3 8:37 am  #2


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

Welcome cindys.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  It's earth-shattering to find out the person closest to you is not what they seem to be.  You'll find great help and support here.  Please stick around and join in our conversations and let us know how we can help.  Take a look at the face-to-face meeting groups as well.. they are a fantastic support. 

To your questions specifically.. 

cindys wrote:

 
So here are the facts:
1. 3 gay porn magazines
2. anal sex toys and lubricate
3. shaves his pubic hair
4. fecal matter on pants
5. no sex with wife in over 10 years
6. make inappropriate comments or jokes about gays
7. Contracted hepatitis A about 10 years ago, told me it was from eating shellfish, but always "embarrassed" when doctors ask how he contracted it

1.)  Straight men don't have gay porn magazines.  They are not attractive, they are revolting.  The thought of being caught owning a gay porn magazine would be mortifying. 
2.)  I suppose some straight guys can be turned on by anal stimulation.  Just because I'm not doesn't mean all others are not.  But I would say that most straight guys wouldn't own anal sex toys. 
3.)  These days, shaving pubic hair doesn't mean much. 
4.)  Fecal matter could easily be an accident..  perhaps he had the flu or thought it was just gas?  But this could also be evidence of the toll anal sex toys play. 
5.) No straight man goes 10 years without sex with his wife..  Unless he's 90 or she's 600lbs I suppose
6.) Sadly way too many people make inappropriate comments or jokes about gays.  Many closet gays are the worst offenders because they want to be make you think they are straight..  But this isn't proof enough.
7.) I don't know much about hep A, but I've never heard of getting it from shellfish.  If that was the case I don't know why he would be embarrassed to share the reason.  

My evaluation:  Your husband is gay.  It only takes #5 or #1 to be proof enough for me.  But with the combination of the 7 I have no doubt.   I'm sorry. 


cindys wrote:

 
Do you believe he is having sexual encounters with other men?
Regardless, he will never admit it to me, he will deny, deny, deny. I so desperately just want the TRUTH.

I have no idea if he's having encounters.  Most of the women who get an admission from their husbands about their same sex attraction are told they never did anything.. but then most of the women later find out that was a lie.  I hope this isn't the case for you.  The difference between desire and action is huge.  

If your husband is in his 60's, he's been hiding his same sex attraction for 50 years.  He isn't likely to admit it to anyone.  He probably hasn't admitted it to himself in full.  So you are right that he will deny it.   But you have enough truth.  

Now what are you going to do about it?
Can you accept that he has a same-sex-attraction as long as he isn't acting on it?  What if he is?  How important is this honestly in your marriage?

I'm sorry again that you've found the need to be here in our group.  But we're glad to have you and hope to support you in any way we can. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Sat Feb 3 3:23 pm  #3


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

Cindy, how do you check someone's gps?  I'm always afraid of doing anything on his phone that he'll get a notification about.  

 

Sat Feb 3 4:02 pm  #4


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

Phoenix, Thank you so much for your response, it helps tremendously to get another one's perspective . I do intend to separate and divorce, but I am making preparations prior to my confrontation with him. He is a good man, but this betrayal is too much for me to handle. Now I am focused on what is best for me, and trying to establish a life as a single woman. 

walkby myself, on his iPhone there is a maps app, and once you click on it , scroll down and the last 12 addresses or locations he entered are listed. I then google the addresses to determine if there were businesses, or residences. No gay clubs have shown up, but 3 house residences have, and can't determine why he was there? Good luck to you, I am sorry you are going thru this, it can be devastating. I plan to "snoop" for a few more months, and then I am done. I don't like being this kind of person. I wish you the very best.
 

     Thread Starter
 

Sat Feb 3 4:41 pm  #5


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

When a man is cheating with other men, residences are far more likely to show up in GPS searches than a gay club or even a motel.  Most cheating is done one-on-one, in a house or apartment, and is arranged through Craigslist or phone apps.

Last edited by Cameron (Sat Feb 3 4:42 pm)

 

Sat Feb 3 8:42 pm  #6


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

cindys wrote:

walkby myself, on his iPhone there is a maps app, and once you click on it , scroll down and the last 12 addresses or locations he entered are listed. I then google the addresses to determine if there were businesses, or residences. No gay clubs have shown up, but 3 house residences have, and can't determine why he was there? Good luck to you, I am sorry you are going thru this, it can be devastating. I plan to "snoop" for a few more months, and then I am done. I don't like being this kind of person. I wish you the very best.
 

Yeah, I don't want to be that kind of person either, I'm just trying to figure things out.  If he's not using the map app to find an address, though, it won't tell me anything.  If he's just cruising around the bar scene, without searching for an address, I don't think it shows anything.

He is terrible with technology (part of why I found out he was accessing gay porn was because about ten years ago he tried to send some images to the printer and the printer had jammed -- he had no idea the images would all start printing out the moment I fixed the paper jam).  Anyhow, on my iPhone there's an app called "find friends" and if I authorize my friends to see my location, they can follow me.  

 

Sat Feb 3 10:09 pm  #7


Re: Is this Proof Enough?

Cameron, thanks for the info about encounters could be  via Craigslist and homes. One more avenue to explore.

walkbymyself, my husband is also terrible with technology and so am I. But I know more than he does. Thanks about the info on the app find friends. Take care of yourself.

     Thread Starter
 

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