Hi Beth - I was married to my former spouse for about 16-17 years (we had two children) when he started behaving much the way you say your spouse has been: blaming you for things wrong in the marriage, etc. and then he told me he wanted to move out and have his own place; said he just needed some place of his own, but never said exactly why.  Well, the marriage continued for about another 10 years, and while things would settle down some and seem almost normal, the distance between us began to grow and grow and his resentment of me, and blaming me for any marriage issues continued and worsened.  I had asked him once or twice if he was gay and he always denied it.  Eventually, he filed for a divorce, saying I was just awful, hypercritical, "always had to have my way", etc.  He had moved out, but moved in with a man.  I was actually clueless at the time, but later put it all together and realized that he was gay, and had moved out to be with the man of his choice at the time of the divorce.  Later on, I looked back and realized that during the first time I mentioned, when we had only been married about 16 or 17 years - not the 28 it became, his desire to move out at that time corresponded with an intense "friendship" with another man he had met through work.  This "friend" was openly gay and my husband and I were both aware of it and discussed it from time to time, each of us not having any problem with it.  Well, I had no problem with it, because I don't really have a problem with gay, but I realized later that my husband had no problem with it because he is gay and he had "fallen" for this guy.  My former husband has never come out, and to this day, as far as I know, has never admitted he is gay.

My points are 1) you are very lucky that he has even brought up the issue at all, even if he backtracks sometimes, and 2) harsh as this may sound, and sorry to have to say it, but if he is suggesting that he wants to move out, it is more than likely that he has "someone".

Heed your gut, be glad that you have no children, and be glad that he has at least in some way brought the subject up and kinda/sorta confirmed it.  That is far more than some of us ever get.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, but so much of what you describe is what I experienced and was never able to put together until years after my divorce.  From what you describe, I hear "gay" and I hear a situation that will not get better, but only worse.

Again, I am very sorry you are here and I am sorry that what I have to say is not pleasant, but those are my thoughts after reading your post.

I wish you nothing but the best.  Hang in there and come here often.  This is a very good group of very helpful people.

Beth6417 wrote:

  so my questions...... can a midlife crisis really make someone confused about their sexual identity? or does it just bring out the truth?..... and also is it possible that a man has to explore physical intimacy with another man to know if he is gay or not? (his analogy to me was that you don't know if you like a car or not until you drive it, do you?)....and lastly is it really possible to end up friends after all of this?

 

I would lean towards it bringing out the truth. A mid-life crisis is like a smack in the face reminder that they are no longer as young as they were. For some, they try to recapture their youth (the red sports car scenario). Some people travel to places they haven't visited yet. Some go back to college. Some write a book, and so on. The commonality is that they are all doing something they want to do or do one more time. IMHO if you have never had any same sex inclinations no mid-life crisis is going to make you go "hmm, maybe I should try a guy". Furthermore the idea of exploration is not to see if you like it, it's to confirm it. You've already decided that this is what you want and a bad experience is easily dismissed as 'right idea, wrong guy, let's try again". The car analogy is bull. A car is just a useful tool or accessory, not an intimate physical relationship.

Can you end up friends? Hard to say and I think it depends on your definition of friend. It's not an either/or friend or foe type of choice. There are many levels between these two extremes. In any event I don't think it can happen until both of you come to terms with your past, build your future selves and undergo a bit of healing. Usually that requires a bit of space and time.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you're being a better friend to him than he is to you. And that also applies as a companion and a marriage partner. You're being treated as disposable or, at the very least, an accessory to his life instead of being the centerpiece. You're entitled to practice some self-care. I wish you well.
 

my husband is in a midlife crisis as well, and I found out he was having sex with a man - he says he is confused if he is bi or gay -- he's only paid for sex. He suggested dating, which is am unsure of. We love each other, been married 25 years. This was out of left field for me. I want to be supportive of his exploration and be who he is meant to be. But is dating going to help him figure this out?

Mo,
 Who HE is meant to be?  Who are YOU meant to be?  The wife of a gay man?  One who doesn't want you except for domestic services?  When he says he's "only" "paying for sex"?  That's called "minimizing," trying to make it seem as if what he's doing is no big deal.  If he's minimizing, and you don't go along with this outrageous request that he'd like to suggest is not a big deal, you'll likely see "blame shifting," in which he makes this somehow your fault (or someone or some thing's fault--porn is my guess, or molestation by an older man when he was a child; anything but his own desires) and then "narcissistic rage."
  What would you have said to him if he'd said he'd been paying to be with female prostitutes?  That you want to help him be who he is?  A cheater who'd put your health at risk?  Because it isn't any different.  But he'd like to convince you it is.  Minimizing, pure and simple ("But I'm not emotionally involved.")  Don't fall for it!
   You're in shock and not thinking clearly.  I suggest you go to a therapist, just for you.  And tell your family and/or best friend, because you need the reality check of their perspective, which will likely by something like "time for a divorce."  
  Today I went in to see my doctor for my annual physical (she knows about my husband's proclivities, because I revealed them a year or so back when she did a depression screening on me), and the first thing she said, "You're divorced now, right?"  What a reality check, and an affirmation that from outside it's easy to see how disordered he is.  (We are in the early stages of divorce now.) You need the same reality check, but instead you're grasping for the life preserver he's thrown you after tossing you overboard and grateful for his "help" but in the crisis forgetting he threw you overboard.
   He's not acting on his gay urges because he's IN a mid-life crisis.  It's that he's reached an age when he realizes he can't live a lie any more.  And unfortunately, you and your marriage--the heterosexual life--is the lie.  It's not that the gay urges that are anomalous.  
  And yes, it's breath stopping and chest crushing.  But you can't, as Kel has said elsewhere, put this snake back in the can. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 1, 2018 9:56 pm)