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Tue Jan 30 11:23 am  #11


Re: the wedding invitation

After only 2 or 3 years I do think it would be awkward to watch your ex take those same, or similar, vows that the two of you took at some point in the past. If you don't have kids, or a shared circle of friends to socialize with, you might feel out of place surrounded by former 'in-law' family.

Nice to see your name pop back up, stay well!

 

Tue Jan 30 2:05 pm  #12


Re: the wedding invitation

Welcome back Bryon - Like Still Wondering said, it seems that these former spouses seem to want to keep some sort of foot in the door and pop back into our lives in one way or another.  It almost seems like a tease in some way to me.  Everyone's situation is different, and I seem to remember that you have had a lot more sympathy for your former spouse's situation than most of us, but personally, I would not go, as it would just be simply too emotional, whether I was trying to prove something to myself or anyone else for that matter.  All sorts of emotions would come crawling back to me in that situation, and I would simply find it "too much" no matter how far along I had come.

I am sure you will make a wise decision based on what you know to be best for you.  This is of course just my two cents.

I do wish you well and all the best!


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

Tue Jan 30 4:31 pm  #13


Re: the wedding invitation

I think they do these things so they can SAY they did.  "Oh yeah, we're totally still friends.  I invited him to my wedding and everything."  It gives them some bragging point about how what they did didn't really affect us all that much - we obviously stopped hurting the moment they walked out the door.

I'm fully over my ex, and I wouldn't go to HIS wedding if he begged me.  Why?  What's the point?  We barely speak, and I'm happiest that way.  I don't think it would bring back bitter-sweet memories, because I have since fallen in love, gotten re-married, and am very happy.  I just have no reason to be involved in something so personal in his life.

Plus, gay men kissing gives makes me want to barf.  It's not that they don't have the RIGHT to.  But I can't help it that it grosses me out.  My kids get angry with me because any time I see it in a movie or on TV, I'm like, "Nooooo........" and cover my eyes.  My daughter thinks it's very...... non accepting of me.  I've always been grossed out by it, though.  Just like most straight men are.  Just.don't.want.to.see.it.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Tue Jan 30 4:36 pm  #14


Re: the wedding invitation

I would not go. I just could not do that. It would bring back too much heartache, at least for me.


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

Tue Jan 30 5:00 pm  #15


Re: the wedding invitation

Bryon - I also want to second what Kel said in her first paragraph above.  I think in some ways offering the invitation could be meant to minimize what actually happened and the true situation; could be an attempt by them to assuage some of their own guilt, look like they still "really care", are cool with everything, etc. regardless of how you might have experienced things.


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

Tue Jan 30 6:00 pm  #16


Re: the wedding invitation

Kel wrote:

I think they do these things so they can SAY they did.  "Oh yeah, we're totally still friends.  I invited him to my wedding and everything."  It gives them some bragging point about how what they did didn't really affect us all that much - we obviously stopped hurting the moment they walked out the door....

Kel

Yeah I had this during my divorce where the one letter from her lawyer said. "You should be over the emotional aspect of this."

Who are they to dictate how we feel and if we are over it.   Its not bitterness I feel but betrayed love and hurt..  At this point in my life I feel there would be something wrong with me if I was "over it".   We who loved deeply and were hurt deeply cannot discard our feelings like they can..that is what seperates us from them.

Then there is the extreme from Tom from narccism survivor who takes no contact to a new level; if they send you a card throw it in the garbage.

Best wishes is best but no need to go.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Jan 30 7:11 pm  #17


Re: the wedding invitation

BryonM wrote:

BryonM

If you're....

"Back on my feet emotionally and more or less back to my old self but my old self is now living a new normal." 

only you will know how attending the wedding might affect you...

Best wishes for the best decision with the best outcome

 


*....*
 

Fri Feb 2 9:04 pm  #18


Re: the wedding invitation

I wouldn’t go. I would say thank you for thinking of me and I wish you both the very best, but I am going to be out of town that weekend.

Be classy and then toss the invite.

 

Sat Feb 3 6:10 pm  #19


Re: the wedding invitation

I can definitely speak to this - my ex just got remarried a month ago.

We split six years ago and have maintained a good relationship.  In advance of the wedding, I was her confidant.  She had some pre-wedding jitters ("I'm afraid of making a mistake again") and told me I was the only person with whom she could openly share her fears.

With our kids at the wedding, all of her family (who are more my family than my own), and many long-time mutual friends, I wanted to be there too.  My wife and I experienced *every* significant life event together from age 20 onward; to miss out on this would have really...hurt.

Although we discussed the wedding arrangements in detail, I never received an invitation.  When my kids asked if I was going, I said, "I guess not" - unable to hide my hurt and disappointment.  A day later, my wife called to profusely apologize (she went on and on) and ultimately said, "I just can't do it in front of you."  Knowing in that moment exactly how she felt, I let go of the whole idea.  I didn't need to be there.  I really SHOULDN'T be there.  For her sake, for my sake, for the kids' sake.

In the four or five days proceeding the wedding, I was very anxious. Thoughts of the pain I'd feel on that day weighed heavily on me.  But on the actual day, and especially around the time I guessed they'd be exchanging their vows, all the gloom and doom I expected just wasn't there.  For me, it was a complete non-event, which was surprising.

The next day, whether I wanted to hear the stories or not, the kids shared some key information.  The biggest was that, at the reception dinner, there were endless toasts, with many of the groom's family saying "It's a match made in Heaven!" or "It was their destiny to come together in everlasting love!"  I like the groom ok - he's a good guy - but I never would have made it through those many toasts.  Just hearing about them wanted to make me wretch.  I can tolerate a lot, way more than the average person, but I would have left.  Even if I could have done so quietly, my kids would definitely have noticed, and seeing that wouldn't have been good for them or me or my ex or anyone.

So...long story made short: even if you have good reasons for wanting to go...sitting through the actual event will UNDOUBTEDLY bring up very painful emotions.  When you're feeling those, do you really want to be at a "joyous" event, surrounded by many people who know you well?

 

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