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January 30, 2018 4:38 am  #1

the wedding invitation

I've not been on here in quite a while, and have been doing pretty well on my own the last 2 or 3 years. Back on my feet emotionally and more or less back to my old self but my old self is now living a new normal. That's the best way I can put it.

I came home from the weekend to two empty messages on my answering machine, didn't think much of it. When I picked up my mail today, there was an invitation to my ex-wife's wedding. There was a short personal note from her simply saying she hoped I would attend but if not, she'd like to catch up sometime. When I checked the answering machine log I saw the two hang up calls were from her area code, so she obviously tried to call over the weekend but didn't want to leave a message. Knowing her, I am guessing she wanted to give me a heads-up about the invitation being on its way, but that's just my guess. It would be like her, even if she did it sort of backwards.

So the wedding is in early March, and it's not to the woman she left me for. That doesn't surprise me at all because at the time I thought there was no way that relationship was going to last. That's neither here nor there, other than I can say to myself, "I knew that wasn't going to work."  But I have no idea about the new one.

I'm curious if any of you have been invited to the wedding of your gex and did you go or not, and why or why not and how was it, and how long had it been since the break-up and anything else?  I'm trying to make up my mind simply because it was hard work for me to get to where I am now, and I don't want to "relapse" or slide backwards. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be an adult and do this, and part of me is wary about it. None of us is getting any younger and I don't want to go to my grave without some attempt to reconcile our past, and be as decent and gracious as I want to believe I am. I guess I am wondering how much it's going to hurt, or will it actually be affirming for me to be there.

I am curious to see her and to see who the new woman is, for sure. But I've also been in a good place now for a while, and I want to remain in a good place now and if I can put myself in an even better place. then I'm all for going. If anyone can share any personal experiences, I would like to hear about them.



"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!"  - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21

January 30, 2018 6:17 am  #2

Re: the wedding invitation

I wouldn’t go - straight or gay.  I just don’t get the rationale for doing this.  Also if she had any concerns for your feelings she wouid have called before she posted the invitation.

Glad to hear that you are in a better place.


January 30, 2018 6:24 am  #3

Re: the wedding invitation

I definitely wouldn’t go. Why risk all your hard work moving forward? We all know how difficult that is. It’s wonderful you are in a good place. Stay there, you owe it to yourself.


January 30, 2018 8:02 am  #4

Re: the wedding invitation

I absolutely definitely would not go.

No matter how long it’s been or how good you feel, it will affect you. You’ve worked so hard to get here.


January 30, 2018 8:06 am  #5

Re: the wedding invitation

I get along with my ex and his significant other but if he were to marry him or someone else I would not attend even if invited. My excuse would be that it is their day and I would not want to distract from it.

If this marriage lasts and if you have children together at some future point you may meet her wife in a less public setting.

Besides, it isn't as if you might meet a potential romantic partner at a lesbian wedding[img][/img]

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

January 30, 2018 8:37 am  #6

Re: the wedding invitation

If it were me, I definitely wouldn't do it to prove anything, either to her or to yourself.  I wouldn't do it for her (to, say, expiate any guilt she might feel, say, or to provide evidence for the belief that the past's the past and we've all moved on).  I might do it if I was doing it for myself (and not just to prove to myself I could).  But even then, I'd hesitate, because I know by now that there would likely be consequences for me that I couldn't predict ahead of time.  
  I like Abby's point that if you have children together that you are likely to meet the new spouse in a less public setting.


January 30, 2018 10:16 am  #7

Re: the wedding invitation

I'd examine what purpose going would have. To prove you're over her? No need.  To prove you're happy for her? Again, no need.  You being present will be awkward - you're not truly "friends", so going would make others wonder what the purpose of your attendance is.  And it's unlikely that it's possible to behave in a manner that shows everyone you're good, and not acting.  If you are conflicted or sad or angry, then you're still not over her.  If you act like the life of the party, then they'll think you're overcompensating.

I'd wait a few weeks and send back the response card checked "politely declines", and write "best wishes" on the bottom. Done.  Then buy tix online for a movie at that time, to distract you from potentially obsessing when you know the ceremony would be taking place.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

January 30, 2018 10:26 am  #8

Re: the wedding invitation

Hi Byron,

I don't think there is any reason to go or to even respond to her.  If there is a response card for attending or not attending, simply send it back with "not attending".  What does going to a wedding have to do with proving to yourself that you're an adult?  I think you have more than proven that.  And as far as being decent and seems as if you've already fulfilled that too.  I don't think anywhere in the definition of decent and gracious does it include: and also be sure to attend your ex wife's wedding with her new gay partner!

I think you're being too hard on yourself.  I wouldn't even go to a wedding of a normal ex because that would seem weird to me and also rude to the new spouse.  I don't remember your full background story but unless you two remained good friends and talk all the time and have that sort of relationship (which it doesn't sound like you do if you don't even know the new fiancé) then there is no reason she should have invited you to the wedding.

They just keep finding a way to wiggle themselves back into our lives don't they?  In the end, only you know which decision will make you the happiest.   You don't need to consider her feelings in this decision at all.  It's not about her.  


January 30, 2018 10:28 am  #9

Re: the wedding invitation

Kel - just saw your response after I typed mine.  lol  Hell, I wouldn't even write best wishes!!!  [img][/img]


January 30, 2018 10:41 am  #10

Re: the wedding invitation

If you intend to rebuild a friendship with her in the future then you could attend as a politeness.   Do you have kids together?  Does co-parenting require that politeness?

If you don't view her as being part of your life in any way.. I'd toss the invitation in the garbage and forget about it. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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