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Sun Jan 28 6:33 pm  #11


Re: Years of this...

OOHC,

Enjoy the feeling of releasing that huge weight off of yourself and putting it where it belongs.   You deserve to feel good.  

 

Mon Jan 29 11:34 am  #12


Re: Years of this...

I think it's once we get to the point of the main question being "Am I happy this way?  Is this how I want to live out the rest of my life?", THEN big changes start to happen.

I think it's second nature for many of us to concentrate on our spouse's plight; it's what we'd like them to do for us if we were in a time of emotional crisis (for whatever reason) and told them about how conflicted we were.  And we figure that sometimes those sorts of emotional journeys take years (often it takes years to grieve a loved one's death).  But this is...... different.  We aren't talking about a decision about going back to school, or taking a job in a different city, or grieving.  We're talking about the decision being whether they want to be with us or not.  Or whether we can accept how little we feel they want to be with us, vs. just what they say.  We are being patient while someone figures out whether they want to be with us or not.  It's kind of..... ridiculous.  You want me to be there for you while you flounder about, deciding if what you really want is to be with me?  Ummmm,.... if it's coming up, the decision is that you DON'T - you're just waiting around in case the engines reverse.  You'd like me to go without what I need just in case you change your mind on what you want - so that you can have your cake and eat it, too.

I, like both of you, felt that my ex wasn't really emotionally there with the kids and I.  I thought it was just me, though - that I was used to very demonstrative family members, and was looking for more enthusiasm than this man could muster.  A lot of the time I just felt like the man was unknowable - that I didn't have a firm grasp on who he was.  But I felt that was acceptable, because HE didn't really know who he was.  But how can you have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who doesn't know themselves?  The answer is that you can't.  And it wears on you.  You are trying to make a life with someone who's essence doesn't seem to be available to you or the kids - or even to themselves, for that matter.

And like both of you, I began to feel as though staying together for the kids' sake wasn't fair to them, either.  It gave them a model of marriage that I thought was very unhealthy.  It showed them that complacency was acceptable.  It showed them to take the easy way out because the way to happiness was too hard to do.  And that it's not worth it.  It showed them that not only was a bliase marriage perfectly acceptable, but it was a woman's obligation to stick it out in unhappiness for the sake of everyone else.  It told them that once you become a parent, your own happiness didn't need to exist any more.  And all of that sucked.  So did surrounding the kids with a lack of passion and gleeful happiness as their daily backdrop for family life.

I did the right thing.  I STILL feel like my ex is unknowable - not that I'm trying to know him any better now.  He is still f'd up - me staying with him wasn't solving it, and me leaving him didn't give him any clarity, either.  He's damaged in a way that's beyond anyone else fixing.  HE has to be interested in getting better.  And if he's unable or unwilling to do the work, that's just never going to happen.  He carries his baggage around with him - and it becomes a part of any relationship he's part of.  It will cripple every relationship he's ever in.  I, on the other hand - once released from those bonds - was set free.  I was no longer limited by his limitations.  I was made free.  And I could appreciate my freedom more than most others who'd had it all along.

It doesn't matter if they're truly gay, or what the cause is for them being so.  What matters is if things aren't at the place where you can ever achieve happiness, and you don't see any of those things changing, you come to a crossroads where you have to decide if this is good enough (and accept it) or if it's not (and leave).  Those are really the only two choices once you see that nothing is going to change enough to make you happy and healthy.  It sometimes takes banging our heads up against the wall for a long time to realize that things aren't going to change.  That's the part that can take so long.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (Mon Jan 29 11:39 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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