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January 16, 2018 6:59 pm  #1

Is my boyfriend gay?

I've been going out with this guy for the last three years and he asked me to move in with him just recently.

I've always wondered weather or not his might be a gay or a bi. Our sex life has been never been great. There is almost no touching, kissing, etc. Many times he is unable to perform but claims that he is attracted to me when I ask him.

He is into the fitness and bodybuilding. At times, when we are out, he makes a comment about how some guy looks great. At times he talks about some random buff, attractive guy non-stop. One time he couldn't stop talking about some guy for days.Whenever we go out and see an attractive heterosexual couple, he stares at a man, not a woman.  He is very meticulous about his looks and spends almost an hour in a bathroom before we go out. He always asks me how he looks, how is his hair, his clothes looks like. He seems to follow male trends and knows lots about the latest male fashion. Every time when we see a movie with a buff guy in it, he makes a comment about how that guy looks great. For example, one time he said that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a body made for sculptures. He thinks that somebody needs to draw a paining of him in a buff. Straight men don't talk like that, do they? He never talks about other women. I asked him once about which female actresses or models he finds attractive, but he told me that he doesn't find any of them that attractive.

We didn't have sex for 7 month when we started dating. I practically "jumped" on him for our first time.

Another time when we were out in a restaurant, he went to a bathroom but when he came back, he was staring at a guy at another table. The other guy smiled at him. He told me that that guy checked him out at the bathroom and changed the subject.

He has a lot of older male friends that he hangs out with periodically. He introduces me to his other friends, but never to these company of his.

He was married once, but his wife left him after four moth of a marriage. He never had a girlfriend before her (he was in his mid 30th when he got married), in fact he hardly ever dated. At times I feel that he only goes out with me because his mother wants him to find a girlfriend/wife. He is very religious so it might also be a reason for him to stay in a closet. He seems to "show me off" when we are in public. Always tells to anybody that would listen that I am his girlfriend. He shows the affection in public by holding my hand, being very attentive and kissing me. In private, it's a whole other matter. He hardly notices me when we are alone, almost never listens to whatever I have to say, almost never kisses me. He spends hours on the internet in his house, sometimes locks the room when I am at his place. He claims that he is just checking his e-mails and that nothing sinister is going on but why lock the room in this case? He constantly checks his cell and hides it from me.

Am I wasting my time with him? What do you think?

Last edited by Shelly (January 16, 2018 7:19 pm)


January 16, 2018 8:13 pm  #2

Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Come into a welcoming environment. There's endless advice and many listening ears. Honestly, to me....he does NOT sound straight , and if I could go back to a time when I could have asked questions about the concerns/observations I had about a man I was intending to spend the rest of my life with....I an instant! 
Don't let this opportunity to ask questions about something SO IMPORTANT to your future.....slip by


*between a rock and a hard place*

January 16, 2018 8:17 pm  #3

Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

I think there are quite a few red flags here that match what others have experienced. It does sound like he puts on a public show to appear hetero but locking himself away while online and phone protectiveness is a bad sign. Have you ever asked him why he does that or tried to talk about how that makes you feel? I'm not sure you can draw any conclusions but there is room for concern.

Keep in mind that if he's in deep denial mode you probably won't get any answer to the 'are you gay' question except a quick vehement denial, 'how could you possibly ask me that', make you the bad person type of response. You may never know but if you ask enough carefully worded questions, watch the answers and reactions along with the unspoken ones, you might be able to achieve a percentage probability.

For what it's worth, I think most men don't want to be checked out by other men. Don't want to talk about it if it happens. Don't want to stare too long at some other guy. It's like the unspoken rule of the urinal wall - eyes straight ahead, look at nothing but your own, don't take the one next to someone else if there's ones that create empty space around you, don't even speak.

Bottom line to me - it doesn't matter much if he's 10%, 50% or 100% gay. What matters is your happiness. If you are not happy now, is he willing to help effect change? If not, is this status-quo where you want to be in two or three decades? Three years is not a lifetime but if you're thinking of moving in that starts another level of complexity in a relationship. You should carefully weigh your options and you have the right to say - "IF I moved in, certain things have to change." such as no locks, no hiding things.


January 17, 2018 3:14 am  #4

Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

I’ll be blunt and say I’m pretty sure he’s gay, he’s definitely not straight.

No sex for 7 months? That’s not straight. My ex also took months to have sex with me and 3 years later here I am with a bi/gay crossdressing, cheating, lying ex. If I could go back to the no sex query I had early on, knowing what I know now, I would have got out then.

If it were me I would run in the other direction.

Last edited by Duped (January 17, 2018 3:18 am)


January 17, 2018 10:23 am  #5

Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

he is mostly gay and he is in deep in that closet... my ex use to make a few comments that well that barber guy is gay and he was checking me etc....


January 17, 2018 10:46 am  #6

Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

To steal/borrow Kel's line:  "Run like your hair's on fire!"

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

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