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January 16, 2018 2:55 pm  #1

Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

My question is would you ever want another man looking at your naked wife and eventually let another man touch your wife. No sex, just fondling breasts and other things.   At my husband's request, after 15 years of marriage, he suggested we do this. At first it made things spicier in the bedroom (we, well mostly me, would talk and relive what we did) but now doing this, and other circumstances, have led me to question what his true motive behind all of this is?

Sorry this is so long but you really need all the facts:

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. When we first got married he was extremely jealous and controlling, he did not like me to even wear a bikini. About 5 or so years ago things changed when I got breast implants, (I pushed for the implants, not him) he wanted me to start wearing skimpy bikinis and cloths when we were out of town. He then wanted us to join a voyeur website and post naked pictures of me which eventually started us video chatting with other users. Sometimes he would want to watch other men jack their cocks with me talking dirty to them. He has even wanted other men to touch me with him there but no sex involved. He has lied about a good guy friend of his and how much they talk and when I confronted him he got very defensive. Now come to find out he wants me to talk dirty while we are having sex and the other night he was drunk and wanted me to talk about jacking him off and a total stranger at the same time. This made him very aroused. Afterwards he even asked if he "went too far". I have tried to talk to him about being bisexual and what exactly turns him on when other men are
touching me and eventually they start stroking their own cocks because I have never touched another man. When I asked about him being bisexual he got defensive again, jumped in my face and yelled "I'm not gay". My gut is telling me otherwise but then I also know how sometimes we get things in our mind and our minds play tricks on us. My husband is very conservative, does not like the LGBT community, he works out regularly and is very worried about what others think of him. Now for the first time, he is all about pleasing me and making me happy during sex. I just don't know what to do.

I must add that he is very persuasive and even manipulative.

Does this sound like anything you have ever heard? Any help and advice you can give me would be great. Thank you.

Last edited by Lburros (January 17, 2018 11:46 pm)


January 18, 2018 9:40 am  #2

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

Hi Lburros, 

Welcome to the group.  I'm sorry you haven't gotten many responses to your thread and your questions.  

I think you've got a situation that is unfamiliar to most of us, so I'm not sure we know how to respond or how to give you advice.  

Based on your reports, I would agree that your husband likely has bi-sexual tendencies.  It's very common for men to reject the idea of being gay, so it would be very common for him to emphatically deny being homosexual. 

The whole voyeur situation is strange to me.  I can't understand why a man would want other men to see or touch his wife.  I never would.  I viewed all intimacy with my ex as a private and special gift.  The fact that I was the only person to see or touch her made that gift more special.  At the end of our marriage when she gave that gift to someone else and without my permission and against my will it was a very deep dagger in my back and hurt more than anything I could imagine.   So I can't understand why your husband would want to offer that to someone else..  perhaps he doesn't view your intimacy as a gift or doesn't value it?  

I guess I would ask you a very direct question.   Are you happy and fulfilled and loved?  Are you ok with the voyeur stuff?  Do you trust that he is being faithful to you?

You don't have to answer publicly..  But I want you to think about the situation.  If you are happy and satisfied with your marriage and the things you are doing intimately, then perhaps it doesn't matter so much if he is straight or Bi.  On the other hand, if you are unhappy, not fulfilled, don't trust him, then perhaps understanding his true sexuality becomes important.  Don't be afraid to set some boundaries and ground rules for your intimacy.  Don't ever do something you are uncomfortable with. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


January 18, 2018 3:59 pm  #3

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies


It seems like we are in a similar situation, but mine goes beyond yours I think. 
I found out last year (by mistake and being nosey) that my husband was 'seeing' a dom (man) for sex. After many nights of puking my guts out, he asked what was wrong (he knew at that point that I knew something). He admitted to being bi-sexual. 

I think it all started about 15 years ago when he kept saying he wanted to go to a swing club. He pushed and pushed until I gave in. I was SO uncomfortable with all of this. Then it went to him wanting to see me with other men. It's not something I am proud of and I've tried to block it from my brain. I told him no more of it 5 years ago. I think that's when it started (if not before that) with him searching out his new found sexuality. 

Like JenS said above, my husband is WAY into the cuckhold thing. He always wants to be dominated, painfully at times and wants me take control over him. It's all so complicated to me. 
If you need to PM me, I am more than happy to listen. 

I know how much this sucks!

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~

January 18, 2018 5:00 pm  #4

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

I dated a man who was into cuckholding - which is what you just described.  He was not amply endowed, and he used the cuckhold situation as if he were trying to satisfy me and still stay with me.  Oddly, HE was the one who suggested it.  I was in an experimental stage of my life, and I figured, "why not try something new?"  Well, I didn't like it.  I've come to several conclusions:
1. Two men and one woman means double the work for the woman - not more attention for her.
2. I am grossed out if the men touch.  They seem to want to get SO CLOSE to the action that's going on that even if they're not participating, they may as well be - you can feel their breath on you, for God's sake.
3. No man truly in love with a woman would want to share his woman with another man.
4. No may who's truly straight wants to see or be seen naked by another man, much less see him excited by it.

I told the man I was seeing that I wasn't interested in it anymore.  I tried it - which is all he'd asked of me.  He told me it was no big deal - he didn't NEED it, and he wanted to keep me.  So,.. no biggie.  Lies.  We couldn't go a few days without it coming up.  DAYS.  He was always sneaking something into conversation - as if he was trying to slowly re-introduce the scenario again and work me back to it.  I.SAID.NO.  He'd backpeddle to the "I don't need it" stage, then we'd rinse and repeat.  Ugh.

The other dude in the scenario told me once that sometimes, the man I was seeing and him would get together just the two of them in hotel rooms.  That did it for me!

I would never, ever consider being with someone who was fine with sharing me.  I know there are probably millions of happy couples out there who do that regularly.  But I'm not them.  If you're not all into me and want me for your own, then you don't want me the way I want to be wanted.

You'll need to decide for yourself where your own lines are.  If YOU are not enjoying being with these other men - if it's not YOUR thing, then stop doing it.  It's a way weird thing to do just to please someone else.  It's not like sticking a finger in their ass occasionally or something for God's sake.  If YOU aren't way into it, refuse.  And then watch how he short-circuits.  He's not into YOU enjoying it - HE'S enjoying it.  If he says he's into you enjoying it and you tell him that you're not, then that should end that argument.  That's not what this is about at all.  The more you put your foot down, the more you'll see that this is HIS thing, not his thing for YOU.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

January 18, 2018 6:00 pm  #5

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

Kel wrote:

...... If you're not all into me and want me for your own, then you don't want me the way I want to be wanted.....


I love this

*no longer between a rock and a hard place*

January 18, 2018 6:42 pm  #6

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

Thank you all so much for responding.

To answer your question Phoenix, up until about 3 weeks ago yes I was very happy, fulfilled and thought we had the ideal marriage. But when he lied to me again (and still is) about how much he talks to this guy friend, we got in a huge argument about it, my instincts started thinking back to how all this started and something did not feel right. I even said to him "did he use me all along to fulfill his fantasies".

Now i am thinking his idea for the voyeur website is that it eventually led to us video chatting with other members, mostly men, and my husband would want to watch them Jack themselves off while he and I would be on camera and he would be playing with me.

Right now I'm at the point I just don't feel like he is being honest with me, he keeps telling me to stop overthinking things but my instinct is usually right.

     Thread Starter

January 18, 2018 8:12 pm  #7

Re: Is my husband really BI and he is baiting me to live out his fantasies

Our instincts are almost always correct in these situations. 

In fact, in my year and a half on this forum I don't think I remember a single person saying they had it wrong once they started to feel like their spouse was gay or lying or cheating, etc..  

I will give you a warning though..  Many of our spouses will never admit they are gay even if you have stone cold proof of it.  So you can wind up being obsessed and getting stuck in your situation just going around in circles trying to figure out if they are gay..  all the while you don't take action to set boundaries and make changes if they are necessary. 

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with him.  Seems like the 3-somes and voyeur stuff is making you uncomfortable and you should let him know you're done with that for a while.  Also it seems like he's lying about a relationship and that needs to end.  A reasonable spouse would completely understand and agree to these requests.  If he doesn't, then that's a pretty good sign that his attraction to men in more important that his relationship with you.

Best of luck my friend. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


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