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Tue Jan 16 4:07 pm  #11


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

If your straight partner cheats on you with another straight person of your sex, then it seems as though they weren't that into you - that either they fell out of love with you, or the found someone better.  Maybe better because they other person fulfills needs they didn't previously know they had, or maybe because time has dimmed your looks and relationship.  But it feels very personal - you chose me, and then you chose another in my place.

When your supposedly straight partner chooses to cheat on you with members of their same sex, it feels like a different sort of betrayal - as though they used you to appear straight.  Or at the least, that when they began to feel stirrings of being attracted to members of their same sex, they just kept you in the dark - as if you weren't important enough for them to tell that something major was happening to them.  And then they considered fulfilling their desires more important than fulfilling their commitment to you.

The big thing no one talks about is that we often don't know or find out until much later that our partner did know all along that they were gay - they just didn't want it to be the truth.  And they never told us that.  Which means we were never as important as their own needs.  It means when we look at old pics of us together - long before disclosure or cheating - we wonder if they knew THEN - it's like it steals the past from you, too.  Even if they weren't actively cheating at that time, did they already have an aversion to your body?  Were they EVER really in love with you the way you assumed they were?

Was every sexual encounter just...... tolerated by them?  Was it all an act just to assure that we were a captured possession, so that they could continue to hide their sexuality?  If one of their base traits (male, straight, wanting to be in a relationship, etc.) wasn't really one of their base traits, then did you ever really know them at ALL?

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Jan 24 6:01 pm  #12


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Cheaters are cheaters and it doesn't really matter the sex of who they are cheating with...but the thing is, TGT makes it seem as if we were never really on the same planet.  While I was raising our kids, appreciating every moment of their wondrous milestones, H was cruising for men and disrespecting not only me but our family.  Peel away the layers and H is incapable of truly connecting with us.  Our kids missed out on having a dad that wanted to be a part of their lives and I...I did everything in my power to smooth everything over focusing only on the crumbs that he provided... but the thing is, no smoothing could have helped because he was not truthful about what the real issue was.  He remains a person that blames everyone else and everything else for what is going on within him.  There comes a time in life we all must take personal responsibility.  I can't fix or change what is, I can only figure out my own way forward.  He will never have a chance to toss a ball in the yard with his son or attend a daddy-daughter dance with our daughter, they are grown up now and those moments have passed.  His loss.
Yesterday I have no power to change but tomorrow...now that'll be something...
By the way, it hurts, it stinks and the empty space within remains ...the knowing that while I was looking at him with desire, he was looking past me for men. 
Nothing could have possibly prepared me for that sort of truth. 
Who takes something so precious and stomps all over it like that?

 

 

Wed Jan 24 6:24 pm  #13


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Detour,

Me too. Raising our child. Wanting him to be a part of it soooo much. I made excuses for him. He grew up without a father. Doesn't know how to parent. Had no role models. Now he's missed it all and hurt our son with his emotional abandonment. It is beyond betrayal. I am more devastated by this than anything else he has done.

     Thread Starter
 

Fri Jan 26 2:28 am  #14


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Whilst I have visited this forum many times in the past couple of years, this is the first time I have posted since my ex of 32 years came out as gay to our adult children while I was interstate. We had separated about 9 months earlier as he had declared himself depressed, no longer wishing to be married, all my fault etc. Thank you to everyone who contributes here for the support this has provided me.
I am becoming more used to living with what has happened- forgive and forget is  NOT a possibility- but this topic is probably the thing I have struggled with the most. I am happy to dismiss any feelings of my guilt or blame because how could our marriage work if he is/was gay? But cheating is cheating, deceit is deceit etc etc. It feels worse when it's with a same sex person though.
Comments here have been so helpful. How could anyone be so selfish as to treat another human being in that way? I had just (less than 2 weeks before) buried my mum. But apparently his new life was all important. And I do not feel foolish at all for not knowing. When I stood up in front of our friends and family, I promised to trust him. I will never feel ridiculed because I honoured that promise.
Thank you for this topic. It is so much worse when the cheating is with someone of the same sex. The level of disrespect is so much greater.

 

Fri Jan 26 6:30 am  #15


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Welcome to our group Marie. So sorry you have had to go through all of this, but it’s good to hear the posts here have helped you.

 

Fri Jan 26 7:17 am  #16


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Marie,
  From what I've read here in the nearly year and a half I've been on this forum, this "full speed ahead, damn the spouse" ("torpedo the spouse?) approach does seem to be common.  And so in character; they may have finally gotten their courage up to own their sexuality, but they are still willing to devalue and discard their spouses, and to continue to live in denial of the destruction they've wrought--for years--on us.  Instead of extending empathy to us, imagining what it will be like for the spouse they're about to devastate, they choose times when we're vulnerable to drop their bombs.  In fact, they can't even see it as devastation--no, it's all about them, and they even have the chutzpah to want us to celebrate with them in their happiness over their new authenticity.
  Forgive and forget?  Why?  One can't "forget," because what they've done and what we've experienced will always be with us as we continue with our lives.  It's changed us.  We can let it not overwhelm us, and and we can choose to act in ways that turn that loss into new selves, but we can't forget it.  And forgive?  When a bully knocks you down and pushes your face down into the mud you don't just say, "oh, hey, I forgive you." What they've done is no different from what bullies do.  Both act out of a sense of entitlement, believing that it is perfectly fine for them to impose their anger or frustration or guilt or shame or fear onto us.  And it isn't.  When you add to that their denial to acknowledge that they've wronged us and their understanding of what they've put us through, how they've distorted our adult lives and denied us opportunities for love all so they could stay in the closet of their own denial of themselves, I really can't see why any of us would expect ourselves to forgive. 
  And before I even approach forgiving my husband, I am going to be forgiving myself, because I take myself to task for a thousand things daily: not realizing what was going on, or for contributing to the problems in the marriage, etc. etc. 
   I think the best first step is the one you've already made: realizing that it was never going to be possible to build a strong marriage with someone of another sexual orientation, and certainly never with someone who is willing to cheat us out of an authentic life, lie to us repeatedly over the years, and, for many, cheat with others to satisfy the sexual urges they don't disclose.  As many have said: it's not the sexual orientation that's the problem; it's the failure to accept or disclose it and the willingness to sacrifice another person to that inability.  That this sacrifice, along with the devaluing and discarding, is so often done with disdain makes it worse.
  

 

Fri Jan 26 7:24 am  #17


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Lyonene,
 I also wanted to add that I absolutely loved what you said about the additional "monkey wrench" of the cd/trans aspect.  I, too, have the deep feeling that there is something fundamentally mentally disordered about my spouse--that "feeling of deep deviancy."  

 

Fri Jan 26 4:27 pm  #18


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

Thanks for the comments everyone. 2015 was the year my world fell apart so I have had quite some time now to get used to living with it. It is unforgiveable and unforgettable, particularly the lack of consideration for our children, but this type of narcissistic, cowardly behaviour seems common.
Of course I still have bad days, but overall I am getting there. I have certainly forgiven myself - this could never have been avoided had I been a"better wife" , and  I won't feel humiliated for trusting him.
I think the cheating and lying IS worse with a same sex significant other. It's not just wondering when the cheating started but wondering when the thinking started. How far back? I guess it doesn't matter because that's where we are now, but these types of questions are not really raised when a spouse cheats with someone of the opposite sex.
It's the lying , not just about what they've been doing, but the lying about who they are.

 

Fri Jan 26 8:14 pm  #19


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

You guys should all know -- you've made me think, a lot, about myself and my baggage and all.  I had been telling myself I didn't "blame" myself, but reading this discussion made me realize that there really are things I'm ashamed of.  I've had people telling me since forever that I'm unhappy in this marriage and I should take some kind of action, and then I just wimp out and feel ashamed about wimping out.  I know I need to talk to my husband, but I can't find a way to just casually introduce into the conversation the fact that I know he's been cheating, that I know he's attracted to men ... how do you just drop that into conversation?

And at a point I avoided it so long that I became paralyzed.

This morning before he left for work, we had been talking about this investment property he wants to buy, and I told him that we are long overdue for a talk, but that every time I screw up the courage it's either right after a fight and I'm exhausted from fighting, or in the middle of a fight and I know it's a bad time to try and resolve issues because we're both so angry.

And in the end, saying and doing nothing at all has always been the safe response.

I look back and realize this is one of my biggest problems -- I grew up in a dysfunctional setting, and avoiding conflict was how I survived, and I don't really know how to do things without introducing "conflict".  I lost respect for myself because I couldn't stand up for myself.  I was reading on an unrelated forum that I've belonged to for decades, and the women on this other forum were talking about how they'd dealt with their husbands' snoring -- some had separate bedrooms, some had CPAPs, and I'm sitting there feeling ashamed because I never had the nerve, in a quarter century of being married, to tell my husband his snoring kept me awake at night.

And I'm sitting here, realizing this, and thinking how on earth could I ever even think of confronting him about his lack of desire for me, and the fact that I know he was cheating in 2006, and the fact that I know he accessed gay porn, and the fact that I found his effing viagra a couple of months ago which I know for a fact wasn't there for my benefit, but how can I even talk to him about it when I assume he's lying about everything?  

I can't even tell him his snoring keeps me awake.  So yes, now, I am deeply ashamed of myself.

I have almost gotten to the point of wanting to post my story for you, but he's going to be home from work very soon and I need to have the house empty before I tell this story.  So it might have to wait until Monday.

 

Fri Jan 26 10:05 pm  #20


Re: Cheaters, Liars, Losers, Serial Cheaters

walkbymyself,

Do no be ashamed...do not beat yourself up  (you have him for that)..  you did what you needed to do.   It is all him.     I can look  back and see how I should have been more assertive but I just wanted , as you said, to keep the peace.   It may be wrong looking back..but we gave fierce true love..  We did not lie, cheat, steal.    We kept our vows...our word,  even our everyday words, as our vows,  are good and true.   One does not talk to us and wonder if we are telling the truth.   There is nothing we did , be it our unselfishness,  that justifies cheating and lying to us. 

Do  whatever you need to do now. to survive and cope.   Courage.. any step you take now be it getting out of bed or keeping the peace is a step of strength.   You are not alone....  in this life or the next these steps are ones of bravery and faith.    Be kind to yourself.. you did nothing wrong.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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