Didn't you want a woman?  yes of course you did.

straight needs straight.  that's my advice.  you simply cannot be the husband you want to be without a straight wife to connect emotionally with.

There are no prizes for hanging in.  

um, just to be straightforward about this - the likelihood is your partner is attracted to the anatomy of women not men.  And this preference will get more marked with age not less.

In your post you talk about your partner, what your partner wants but you don't talk about what you want, just that you love her.  And from your post it sounds like s/he talks about what s/he wants but not what you want.  In fact you're in trouble for not wanting a husband?  Since when did you change your sexual identity?  To feel uncomfortable with that is just completely normal and your gut is talking to you wisely.

Look after yourself.  Financially, health-wise and for your future happiness and recognise that is in the best interests of your partner too.

wishing you both all the best. 

 

Last edited by lily (January 11, 2018 5:53 am)

Hi RJ,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You're buying into the belief that you owe it to your spouse to embrace the changes that she's making to herself - even if they turn her effectively into a man, and you're not attracted to men.  This is NOT an insignificant change.  First and foremost, you are a straight male, and no matter where in the world God would have plopped you in the world - no matter what country, financial situation, political challenges, freedoms, etc. - you would have wanted a woman as a mate.  You could have been born a Czar or a pauper, and you could have earned a living reigning over people or digging ditches and struggling to feed your family.  But you would have wanted a female for a partner.  Period.  To ask you to change that is really unreasonable.  It's not within your power to do that, and asking you to pretend to do so is unfair - to both you AND your wife, really.  Your wife isn't actually asking you to pretend - she's asking YOU to change who YOU are and what you desire - because SHE has.  It just doesn't work that way.  And no one should expect you to try.

Your wife told you ahead of time that she saw herself as gender fluid.  Fair warning.  However, you made the (natural) assumption that what she meant is that the person you knew then was who she was going to stay being - with a different label than what you were used to.  She didn't identify as female, per say - but as non labelable.  You understood who she was - how she behaved and presented herself, and so you figured that since you really liked and loved that person, what did the label matter?  And that would have been fine - except that she then went and started changing drastically into a entirely different person.  And you were just supposed to roll with the punches?  What if she changed other huge things about herself?  What if who you married exhibited wanting a domestic life and then she turned into a party girl?  That wouldn't have been cool - not past a certain point.  What if she presented as someone who loved children and family, and then after marriage she decided that she preferred to live alone in the forest as a hermit?  You would cry foul - this is NOT who she led you to believe she was.  And you fell in love with THAT person.  We try to dismantle things down to little bits to see if they would matter - like,..... if she cut her hair or gained a few pounds, would you still love her?  Of course.  So then we extrapolate it out - well, what if she also only wore male-centric clothing along with the haircut?  Still love her.  But at some point, it's not just little changes - it's a completely different person than you fell in love with.  And you're just supposed to keep rolling with the changes?  No fair.  What's the point of choosing a spouse if core parts of who they are aren't going to stay that way?

It won't work, my friend.  You can love her, but that doesn't mean a marriage between a straight man and a non-straight female is going to work.  It just..... doesn't.  You have every right to walk away.  Not that you want to.  But if you knew nothing was going to change back, and it was only going to continue to get "worse", would you stick it out?  You're expecting YOU to make all the concessions.  And not only is that not possible, it's really not reasonable of her to even ask you for that.  She needs to get with a person who is attracted to females who present as males.  That's the only way this is going to work for her.  And it's only going to work for you if you find a straight female that you fall in love with.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (January 11, 2018 11:37 am)

My husband decided he wanted to become my wife, and he proclaimed he was now a lesbian (although at times what he wanted to do in bed was act like a subordinate female from a porn video in a hetero relationship--oops, inconsistency!).  He, like your wife, expected me to accommodate the change.  It never occurred to him, as it apparently hasn't to your wife, that this was an unreasonable request, and that people who decide to "identify"as the opposite sex should understand that when they become a different person it is going to come with consequences for them, which may come in the form of costing them the support of their spouses and maybe even their marriages.  (Pace the deluded idea that one can "identify" into the opposite sex--because HOW can a woman KNOW what it feels like to be a man--and pace also the mistaken idea that one is "assigned female/male at birth," as if biology is something one can be assigned or change; unless she was born intersex, with ambiguous genitalia, she wasn't assigned a sex; her female body was recognized for what it is: the sign she is female, with XX chromosomes she can never identify out of having.)
   Here's something I learned to understand.  I was fine with all sorts of gender bending experiments with my male husband.  I didn't mind sex games or his dressing in women's clothing; BUT: to him, what we were doing in bed wasn't playing games, and his wearing women's clothing wasn't just getting comfortable.  These things were to him proof he could act as a woman; in his mind, he wasn't acting as my male husband but as a woman.  And that's when my eyes were opened to the fact that we were no longer in Kansas, Dorothy, but through the looking glass and way, way down the rabbit hole.  My assumptions weren't shared, and he was no longer who he'd been.  
  There's a big difference between being married to a woman who is "gender fluid" when that means short hair and a tie, and being married to one who decides that she is now your husband and penetration is for her (how's that supposed to work for you, by the way?). 
   You're bending yourself into a pretzel trying to be politically correct and supportive, and what's it getting you?  Nada.  If this isn't working for you, you need feel no guilt about saying so, and ending the marriage if that's what's required.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 11, 2018 3:20 pm)

rjhammock wrote:

My spouse and I have been together since JUL 2013 and have been married since MAY 2014. From the very beginning, they had said they were gender fluid. After learning what that was, I was pretty cool with it. For the last few months, they had gradually started to present as more masculine. (My spouse is Assigned Female At Birth, by the way) About a month or two ago, they discovered a new term for the way they were feeling, the term being transmasculine; meaning that they identify as masculine but have neither the desire or the intention to undergo hormone therapy or gender re-assignment surgery. This transition has apparently messed me up more than expected, because I'm pretty much accused of not wanting anything to do with them, and while they want me to call them "my spouse" or "my husband". Using spouse I have no problem with but I'm really uncomfortable with calling them husband, mainly because I don't want to be thought of as gay. I want to stay with them, because I love them, but I'm conflicted. What do I do?

Rj,
I wanna say im sorry you found yourself here. But we are here to support you.

From what i have read, looks like she bread crumbed you, as in hinted to her other side, you showed acceptance and that made her comfortable enough over time to either:

1. Show you her REAL identity
2. Accept her own identity(if she didnt already know, which I think she did. She may have been in denial.

Now, you love her. There is a bond and all the ties that bind, finances, family, ect.

This makes everything so confusing when they decide to show us their real selves.

You clearly have a problem with calling her your husband. AND YOU SHOULD! You are a straight man? Then you should NOT have to bend YOUR sexuality to fit hers. Does this masculinity turn you on? Is she still attractive to you? Does she only want you and to be faithful? Is that what you want? Are you ok with her looking manly as long as she is just yours?
Or is this going to change how you sexually feel about her?

For me, when my husband starting showing feminine behaviors (in bed only) and desires, it ruined something in me for him. A feminine man, autogenephile, is less attractive that a straight man to me. The very act of femanizing himself has pushed me away sexually.

We have needs/desires too. We have a sexuality! It should also be respected. Its very psychologically damaging to bend your will on such a deep primal instinct. I know it has caused me serious damage.


I dont know if this helps you at all, but keep posting,  ask your questions, we are all here to give our advice and experiences.

Good luck!