OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » When do things get better?

DaisyMay · January 8, 2018 11:13 pm

Hi. My husband of 15 years came out to me 7 months ago. The night before I gave birth to our fifth child. The infidelity and years of promiscuity came out with it. He tells me over and over that he is sorry and is committed to the marriage, but also insists that he wants to be in contact with other gay men for friendship. States he need to "get his needs met" in the form of close friendships with other men that may include nudity (but no sex, as he states he is committed to me.) He is a stay at home dad with our five children. I can't keep track of him. I work full time. I am a surgeon and have a crazy schedule. I don't trust him, but I do know that he does love me and wants to work things out. I am holding on, but so tired of feeling abused. He is all over the place emotionally, sometimes acting like a ten year old boy.

I am in this marriage for the long haul, and my hope is that things will get better. They have improved somewhat since he told me, he has given up porn and tries to stay away from some of these "friendships." His lies are rarer. I worry, though, that he will continue to bounce back to men over and over and I will have to persevere, bending to his moods every day for the rest of my life and not being loved as the wife I want to be.

I have never strayed from our marriage. I am committed to this, have always picked the right path to the best of my ability. I am so hurt by all of this. Has anybody come out on the other side alive with a healthy marriage after something like this? How long does it take to feel normal again?

Ellexoh_nz · January 9, 2018 1:32 am

DaisyMay wrote:
Hi. My husband of 15 years came out to me 7 months ago. ..... Has anybody come out on the other side alive with a healthy marriage after something like this? How long does it take to feel . normal again?

It's a journey Daisy. No one relationship/marriage is the same as another. Losing trust in our partner.....is one of the
most crushing things. I can only speak for myself, and to this point I remain committed to my partner....all the while knowing it will NEVER be the same r'ship ever again. It's now just a year since my man has admitted to a desire for
intimate contact with men, and the year has been turbulent but I remain with him because when I said no to his wish for my agreement to 'share' him with others....he promised me monogamy & honesty. Between saying no....and his promise me there have been tears, anger, slamming doors, walking out,To keep from becoming even more distrustful I have to believe his promise..
We talk a lot, even though he doesn't like discussing some aspects. It's one day at a time, with no expectation that one day will be the same as the day before or after

Duped · January 9, 2018 3:13 am

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:08 pm)

Abby · January 9, 2018 8:52 am

My first advice to you has to be to consult an attorney who experience with divorces where one of the parties is a high-income earner because you are in a financial situation that is very different from most of the women here. Even if you do not want a divorce now there may be steps that you can take (a post-nuptual agreement?) to limit your exposure if the marriage ends in the future.

My experience is that my ex had gay best friends since he was an undergraduate: in hindsight the only straight men in our wedding party were our brothers. After the marriage during counseling he admitted to being "bi". Over the decades he added more gay friends and went away to visit them more frequently. Was he having sex with them? I tried not to think about that. I'd moved out of the bedroom years ago so I would not have to be quiet when I cried myself to sleep .I was the financially dependent spouse, we had minor children and my parents would have blamed me for the failure of the marriage so I hunkered down and stayed as I had agreed to do when he made the "bi" disclosure and said he wanted only me.

This was not enough for him. After a health crisis, the deaths of his parents and our children reaching college-age he told me he was gay and wanted a divorce. I tell you this because sexual desires do not disappear with age. With being openly gay acceptable now and marriage an option you need to be aware that even if you stay and go along with what he says he wants now there is no a guarantee that he will not be the one to want out of the marriage completely in the future.

Without some sound financial planning now you could be much worse off later. Once you know your financial options you can better decide whether this marriage should have a future.

Abby · January 9, 2018 8:56 am

"who has experience" that should say

Roo · January 9, 2018 10:40 am

I'm so sorry you found yourself here but this is a very supportive group. My husband came out as bi last year at this same time. It's been a struggle and I still find myself very confused. There are times when I just put it under the rug and I have days of "I want out now!".

Once they admit to being bi or gay, they will always be bi or gay IMO

Kel · January 9, 2018 11:23 am

Hi Daisy,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I'm sure as a full-time working mother of 5, you have a ton on your plate already, and most days are just plowing through to get to bedtime. It can be easier to go on auto-pilot during this time period when it comes to relationship issues. To just let it play out, because you have little time, energy and mental fortitude to make other sweeping changes. It seems to be a really unfair time to be getting such news and having to deal with someone who has the occasional emotional stability of a 10 year-old. I was there too, in many ways. I had three children and my husband was acting like an immature 15 year-old boy (15 year-old boys think they know everything but act like 10 year-olds). I didn't know for sure that he was gay. But I was ignored in many ways - I wasn't "seen" in the bedroom. I was treated like a roommate (which at times while being in the trenches of child-rearing, seemed okay). I was resented for being the adult that would insist that he be the same. It.was.exhausting. I kept thinking that if THIS was overwhelming, that being alone would be much worse. How was I going to manage this all on my own? So I just kept...... waiting. For what, I don't know. For the kids to get older? More self-sufficient, maybe? And they did. But they also became more and more attached to their dad, and their way of life. So it wasn't easier - just different.

You need to assess if you're receiving enough for you outside of all of this chaos. The day before he revealed him being bi to you, how happy were you? Were you ecstatic in your relationship, or were you merely limping by? Have things gotten worse since then, to the point where you're hanging onto something merely out of fear? Fear that you can't make it without him being home to help? Fear of what people will say if you divorce? Fear of this being better than anything else you might be able to get?

This gay thing doesn't go away. They may be able to refrain from acting out their desires for time periods. Sometimes it seems like that's what they're doing and then later we come to find out that they just hid it all really well. And no, gay men don't spend time in the company of other gay men just..... naked. That's a load of bullcrap. I don't care how insistent he is about that - that's a freaking lie. And considering what he's already done, he's capable of lying to you and you not being able to see through it. So trusting his words now really isn't a smart choice. He'd need to be proving every day that he's being faithful and committed. And he'd do that, if that's what he was interested in.

Everything may just turn out fine. It's not for anyone else to say that it can't, or won't. I know that's what we all want - for it to be fine. But please, PLEASE don't think that just surviving means "fine". It's not. Simply existing isn't fine. Do not back down on what you need, and what you are entitled to. He married you - you are entitled to monogamy. And it's within your rights to insist upon it. If he cannot or will not deliver that, then it's not your obligation to give him what he needs at your own expense. We need to stop thinking that just because the other person really, REALLY wants this thing, that they NEED it - and that we need to give it to them or we're being unloving or accepting. That's simply not true. We get this with kids - we don't care how hard they cry or pitch a fit about wanting to eat cake for dinner or stay up all night playing video games. We know that's not best for them, and we're not about to give in just because they want it really, really bad. But when it comes to our spouses, we somehow think that because they're grown, they know themselves well enough to understand needs vs. wants, and so we give them something of ours so they can have what they need. Only then, WE don't have what's necessary for us. And we just can't do that. Especially when we have children to care for. We can't leave ourselves crippled so that someone else can fly. Being able to run should be enough for all of us.

Kel

DaisyMay · January 10, 2018 6:17 am

Hi All,
Thank you so much for your replies and support! It is incredible to me that there is a wealth of compassion and understanding (and sage wisdom!) out there for someone in my situation. I deemed this "impossible." How could anybody understand? And you DO.

Kel, when you laid it out so simply, "just because he REALLY wants something....that he NEEDS it and that we need to give it to them or we're being unloving or accepting" YES. That is precisely what I needed to hear. And you are so right! I am entitled to monogamy. And to have my husband trying to rationalize his way out of pushing those monogamy boundaries hurts so much. Why would he do this? For the love of God, I work my tail off out there, usually 70-80 hours a week, and provide for our family. I work incessantly at home, being mom and wife. He is well taken care off. Even sexually, when he is in the mood, I never say No. I just never had the heart to tell him otherwise. I know he is hurting inside thus I have made any accommodations I can think of to help him along.

My husband's initial disclosure was traumatizing for sure (especially the night before I had our 5th baby), but dealing with the watershed and the downstream effects has been worse. The amount of stress that breach in trust brings is incomprehensible. To be told that he confessed "everything," and then to see things in emails or facebook messages from other men that prove otherwise.....over and over again....is more than I can handle.

I made a wrong assumption: my husband's initial disclosure and request for forgiveness was honest and coming from an entirely repentant heart. I forgave him. And since then I have been trying to pick up the pieces. My husband continues to reach out to other men on facebook (there are groups of men out there with "unwanted SSA" who have some camaraderie) to get his "needs met." This quickly turns into sharing naked pictures and talking about sexual preferences and making plans to meet for "innocent guy time." He insists that he needs to be "fully known and fully loved" and that he can't get this from me. He has an overwhelming desire to be nude around other men for "acceptance." He reassures me that he doesn't need anything sexual from this and that if he knows them as friends first, he won't see them as sexual objects and won't feel the need to indulge.

I have discovered what I know from coming across emails or inappropriate facebook messages. This makes me sound like I've been screening his communications...and sadly, I am not. This information has come to me by accident: I will log into facebook and the computer assumes it's him and I don't realize it until I see messages like this. Or he will leave his email up accidentally. Or dirty text messages will pop up across his phone. I can only imagine the hurtful stuff I would discover if I spent more time looking for it.

I keep hearing "I love you." or "I will never leave you" and "this thing between us...it's real." I want to believe it so much. Even with the betrayal and lying and cheating (He has had somewhere between 10 and 20 sexual encounters with men in the last 3 years. None (I think) since his disclosure 6 months ago), I want to believe him. We have so much at stake: five kids. Innocent little lives who have no idea anything is wrong. Our reputation (I am a small town surgeon so I have a high-profile existence. He volunteers countless hours at kids' school and our church). We know the whole town, it seems. So much darkness would befall us if this information ever got out. It would take the hurt in my heart and magnify it, touching countless lives. And in the name of what? I spent the first 35 years of my life in school: incredible sacrifice of time with my kids when they were little and time away from family. And it was all in the name of having a career where we could build a healthy family with a parent at home. This revelation of my husband's broken sexually has dealt a crushing blow to what seemed like a happy little piece of utopia.

So as you say it, Kel, we are "surviving." For the sake of this children. And our families. And our reputation. And my career. I keep hoping and praying that it will get better. With many tears and hurtful arguments, (and with the help of the marriage counselor) I was able to get him to cut off all communication with those facebook guys for one month. (The ones who are gay and trying not to indulge). Since he stopped this, it's been a tiny ray of light for me. Things feel a little more like they did before this disclosure. But he still wants it. And it's hanging over me, I know he plans to go back to it.

I am so tired of being the goalie here. He is a grown man, but acts like a child, depending on my "moral compass" to guide both of us. Yet when I put up a boundary, he gets nasty. Passive aggression, sulking, manipulation. It took me awhile to recognize these things for what they were.

At the same time, I see beyond the same sex attraction and all this awful stuff and see the man I married. He really does want to make our marriage work, and I can see him working as hard as he can on things: he gets up early and does a bible study every day, he sees his own counselor in addition to our marriage counselor, he works really hard to make our house clean and orderly and keep the kids' lives in check. I am trying to get him to go back to work (he is a pharmacist by training and has kept his license up). I want to have compassion and fight the good fight to protect our family. My kids do not deserve to have their parents airing this dirty laundry. But I do not deserve to be treated like this, either.

On another note, thanks for the lawyer/financial advice. I have been thinking about that in the back of my mind. I do think I should just inquire about how to protect myself and my kids from him if he ever decides he wants out. Or if I make him leave.

Thank you so much for your listening ears. I spend most of my day listening to others' troubles and fixing them, and I appreciate that it takes time and energy to offer empathy and advice. Your honesty and advice and compassion are so valuable to me, especially right now. I hope that I can pay it forward to someone else today.

jkpeace · January 10, 2018 7:20 am

DaisyMay,

I have much to say, but need to get to work, myself. For now, please, realize that there is a very good chance that you are in shock. My absolute and complete shock lasted almost a year. You are trying to process all of this, while working and caring for little ones. Looking back (I am 2 years post-disclosure), I realize the shock I was in: The confusion, the wanting to rationalize and empathize and make sense of the unbelievable. I did not know I was in shock, when I was. (I'm still working through much of this, but the 100% shock stage has passed).

I will write more, perhaps in the private message section (You have an "inbox", at the top links). Just know that a large part of your confusion is that you are processing something so very overwhelming. As a surgeon, you certainly know the effects of shock. I just wanted to point out that you may be experiencing that, yourself.

Last edited by jkpeace (January 10, 2018 7:22 am)

phoenix · January 10, 2018 8:36 am

Hi DaisyMay,

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you are going through such a challenging marriage. We know how you feel.

You've gotten good advice so far, but I'll add a few extra thoughts.

He says that he's not indulging sexually with his gay male friends? If he was attracted only to a woman's body would you be ok with him hanging out in the nude with other women? Would he be ok with you hanging out with naked men? How do you know there isn't any physical contact going on? Do you really believe that? From a man with a track record of cheating on you and lying to you - do you really believe that he meets other men and gets naked, but doesn't do anything sexually?

Nearly every one of us has found out at some point that the admission of truth we got from our spouse was not a full admission. They almost always share less than the full truth.

He's going to Bible studies and gay male nude parties at the same time? This seems a little off to me.

I so appreciate your commitment to your marriage. I wish you the best in that effort. I understand wanting to protect your kids and preserve your family. I believe that a human being is capable of overcoming their sexual proclivities if they set their priorities correctly. However, I do not believe that a person can actually change their sexual attraction. So, he might be able to make a commitment to stop communicating with other gay men and stop meeting with them, but he'll always have that desire and urge. Can you live out your life with enough trust that he will stop?

Why are you worried about him leaving you? Sorry for the cliche, but you are giving him his cake and letting him eat it too. You are supporting him and providing for him and giving him a great life where he can keep his sexuality hidden from the world, but still allowing him to indulge in that sexuality.

Sorry for the challenging questions. I want to support you in your commitment to maintaining your marriage, but I don't want to see you being taken advantage of. So I feel like I have to probe a little and ask harsh questions.

Anyway, welcome to the group. Glad to have you.

Last edited by phoenix (January 10, 2018 8:51 am)

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January 8, 2018 11:13 pm #1

When do things get better?

January 9, 2018 1:32 am #2

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DaisyMay wrote:

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