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December 22, 2017 12:41 am  #1


Ghost of XGAYHPAST

MY NAME IS NIKKI, IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 6 YEARS SINCE MY NIGHTMARE BEGAN. APRIL 2012 I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND FOUND EMAILS THAT OPENED UP PANDORAS BOX. OH HOW I WISH I WOULDA HAD SOME KINDA WARNING HOW MUCH MY LIFE WOULD BE CHANGED IN THE MINUTES, HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS AND YEARS TO COME. I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT MY LIFE WAS CHANGED FOR EVER. IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE MY LAST POST AND MY NIGHTMARE CONTINUES. I HAVE BEEN TO THERAPY, REACHED OUT TO EVERY FRIEND I EVER KNEW, SPENT MONTHS ON HERE, AND CAN SAY ONLY TIME WILL HEAL THE MOST DAMAGED PART OF ME, MY SOUL, ITS CRACKED TO THE CORE, MONTHS HEALS BROKEN BONES, IM NOT SURE A LIFETIME WILL BE ENOUGH TIME TO HEAL MY SOUL. IM 47 YEARS OLD, I WENT FROM NO GLASSES TO WEARING BIFOCALS LAST YEAR, IM SURE THE MANY NIGHTS OF TEARS OVER THE YEARS DIDNT HELP ME PRESERVE MY EYESIGHT, I AM CONISDERED TO BE A HEALTY WOMAN BUT SUFFERED A HEART ATTACK NOV LAST YEAR FROM STRESS. I HAVE TRIED SO MANY TIMES TO FIND SOME STABILITY IN MY LIFE, MANY ATTEMPTS AT WORKING, BUT MY MIND IS SO DESTROYED I CANT FUNCTION. I HAD A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP FOR 4 YEARS WITH A MAN THAT LIED TO ME AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME AFTER MY DIVORCE, I WAS SO DISTRAUGHT AND DESTROYED, HAVING SOMEONE WHO WAS A DISTRACTION TO THE MESS OF MY LIFE WAS BETTER THAN BEING ALONE. I ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP A FEW DAYS AGO, AND NOW I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE DEMONS ALONE. I WAS WATCHING SCROOGE TONIGHT AND THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST CAME ON, AND TO ME IT WAS THE MOST SCARIEST OF ALL THE GHOSTS, BECAUSE IT SHOWS A PART OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU CAN NOT CHANGE. THAT SUMMED UP MY LIFE! THE DAY I MOVED OUT OF THE STONE CASTLE WITH MY GAYX BEFORE I LAY MY KEYS ON THE COUNTER I RAN UP TO MY BEDROOM AND STOOD WEEPING AT THE SPOT ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR THAT I COLAPSED WHEN I DISCOVERED THE BETRAYEL, 25 YRS AND MORE MEN THEN HE COULD REMEMBER, MY LIFE OF LIES, I PROMISED MYSELF THAT DAY I WOULD NEVER GO BACK, AND I DIDNT, BUT MY MIND IS STILL THERE, BACK TO THAT SPOT ON THE FLOOR, IM SURE THAT THE NEW HOME OWNERS HAVE NO IDEA THAT A WOMANS SOUL CRACKED, AND BLED OUT IN THAT VERY SPOT. I DONT KNOW HOW LONG I LAY THERE BEFORE I GOT UP, MY LIFE THAT DAY AND FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS WAS A HEAVY FOG. IVE ISOLATED MYSELF, IM NOW LOCKED AWAY IN MY CONDO, WITH HORRIBLE ANXIEITY. IM A FINANCE MGR, AND JUST THIS YEAR GOT MY ORDAINED MINISTER, AND I AM WORKING ON GETTING MY NOTARY, IM TRYING SO HARD, BUT I JUST CANT MAKE THE NIGHTMARE GO AWAY. PLEASE SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A LONG TERM AFFECT GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. GAYX HAS MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE, A NEW GF A BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME AND EVEN INVITED OUR YOUNGEST CHILD TO LIVE WITH HIM WHILE SHE ATTENDS COLLEGE HIS LIFE IS TOGETHER, AND IM OK WITH THAT, I DONT WANT HIM AROUND ME, I FORGAVE HIM A FEW YEARS AGO FOR MYSELF. THE PERSON I CANT FORGIVE IS ME! HOW COULD I ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN? WHY WAS I SO BLIND? WHY CANT I PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER? WHY CANT I TRUST ANYONE, EVEN MYSELF? THE WORSE THING THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME IS MY ABILITY TO TRUST MYSELF. IS THERE NEVER A BACK TOGETHER? INTERNAL PEACE AFTER THIS? DO THE GHOSTS EVER GO AWAY? I CANT SEEM TO GET OFF OF THIS ROLLERCOASTER ITS LIKE TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A PUZZLE WITH MISSING PEICES PLS GIVE ME ADVICE

 

December 22, 2017 9:58 am  #2


Re: Ghost of XGAYHPAST

Hi again Nikki,

We cannot change the past that is true.   But I don't think we were meant to live there..especially when it has the trauma we experienced..Per my book from alicia salzer..Back to Life getting past your past ..We are not supposed to visit the crash site...with all the hurt and (gay) wreckage.  Revisiting the past crash site...yours quite literal the exact spot on the floor... is what she refers to in her book as a TPA or trauma preserving assumption.  Seeing him happy in his new gay life and dwelling on it is a TPA that reinforces the trauma and hurt.

Our hurt is true and real..I do not expect it to go away...our hurt with TGT is mind blowing ...mine with the abuse that followed true evil .. But what I do agree with what that this author says .. the hurt serves no constructive purpose anymore...going over and over what these spouses did to us.  The old fight or flight coping skills we had for getting away from TGT may not serve us so well now that we are away. (But I still lock myself in my house sometimes to feel safe).

It sounds like you've done some amazing constructive accomplishments in your professional life...could you not tap some of that gumption to help not dwell on the saddness of your trauma but something more positive? Dr salzer's book seems to say to replace the negative emotions we feel with positive ones..  I know..easier said than done.  She says to find resilient "heroes" that have gone through trauma and see what they do..   Kel here for example comes across as resilient.

What my one therapist told me was to go ahead ..grieve, cry,feel the hurt, ruminate..But allow yourself just 5 or 10 minutes..then stop and find something else to do..

At the very least when your feeling down and lonely remember it could be worst ..you/we could still be with our spouse/partner who, in reality, was lying and conspiring behind our backs.

No Nikki, I'd rather hang out with someone like you glasses and all (glasses are cool) that possesses true authenticity.

A big and kind e-hug.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 22, 2017 10:50 am  #3


Re: Ghost of XGAYHPAST

Deleted.
 

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:26 pm)

 

December 22, 2017 10:58 am  #4


Re: Ghost of XGAYHPAST

You have to forgive yourself. You were manipulated and deceived by someone you should have been able to trust implicitly. I would suggest you avoid contact with him except what concerns your daughter. Forget about what looks like his fabulous new life and focus on yours. Indulge in hobbies and interests. Check the SSN main site for a support group near you. Keep posting here as well if you like. There are many people here with a wealth of support and great ideas to share. Make 2018 all about being YOU. Take it easy and start breaking down that anxiety. Take a morning coffee somewhere down the street or an afternoon stroll in a park. Go browsing in a bookshop, whatever interests you.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 22, 2017 12:06 pm  #5


Re: Ghost of XGAYHPAST

Hi Nikki,

Have you talked to your doctor or a psychiatrist about some meds to combat depression and anxiety?  I think that would be most helpful at this time if you haven't gone that route yet.

Getting bifocals at your mid 40's is completely normal.  I have a brother who is just now getting them at the same age, even though he's always seen just fine otherwise.  Our eyes start to "relax" at that age - it's a natural part of aging.

The heart attack is certainly worrisome. Anxiety alone could do that, which is sounds like you've had plenty of.  But you will need to get your anxiety and depression under control if you want to live.  Otherwise it will continue to damage your heart.

There really is nothing to forgive yourself for.  You.Did.NOTHING.Wrong.  If you had a best friend with this type of thing that had happened to her, you wouldn't see it as HER fault - you'd still see it as him that lied and took advantage of her good heart.  Why are you seeing yourself as responsible?  Is it possible that you've forgiven your ex, but just transferred the anger and blame to yourself because you didn't know where else to put it all?  Forgiveness is like exhaling - it lets it all out and pushes it away from you.  You are relieved.  If what you've done was just transferred all that crap into another one of your own lungs, then you haven't forgiven - you've simply transferred.  Exhale already.  Forgiveness is like saying, "I can't change what you did to me - even though it was wrong and evil.  But I'm tired of clutching it to my breast as my companion - so I'm releasing my clutch on it so it can float away, like a balloon into the atmosphere."  It doesn't mean the balloon doesn't exist any longer - you just don't care to hold it anymore - or chase it back down again.

You are a different person now than you were before your ex did this to you.  You can trust yourself more now to recognize abusive behavior when you see it.  You had become used to it.  Now you are used to not having it in your life.  You will recognize it much more acutely now when you experience it.  I liken it to becoming allergic to a cat.  If you have that allergy, you don't just start sniffing and then wonder what's going on.  You enter a home with a cat and if your allergies are bad enough, the smell of "CAT" hits you like a wall when you take your first breath in that house.  It will hit you when others can't even detect it.  That is how this is - you've become allergic to bullshit, and you don't need to worry about trusting yourself - you know it now.

As for the ex moving on, most of us experience that.  It seems to be even more confusing when the ex rebuilds their life with another straight partner.  Because it just makes us feel like we were wrong about their sexuality, or that it WAS possible to be a straight partner to this person - just not for us.  But that's all wrong.  You don't WANT the kind of life required of you in order to live the fallacy you'd be stuck in if you'd stayed with your ex.  She may not need to be that person yet - because the truth hasn't been revealed to her yet.  In due time, it will be.  She is no luckier than you.  And HE is no luckier than you - he STILL can't face his own truth, and has to hide behind a beard.  You are the only one of the three of you living authentically now.  Trust that.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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