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December 18, 2017 10:19 am  #1


How Do I Get Through the Holidays

how do I get through these holidays?
 

Last edited by JenS (February 26, 2018 9:07 am)

 

December 18, 2017 10:45 am  #2


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

Try not to stress over the images of what holidays are supposed to look. Don't knock yourself out cooking and decorating. Take your family of origin up on their invitation to you and the children provided they are supportive of you and your divorce plans. Go for walks to clear your head.

Try to do activities with your children outside the home when possible such as go to a movie. Do things just for yourself when the children are off with friends.  As much as possible keep contact and conversation with your husband to a minimum.

If he is "crossing lines" that include domestic violence know where to turn for help where you live. Shut out the voices telling you to wait until the children are older. Divorce with an uncooperative spouse is always difficult. The only way through it is to  press ahead.

Holidays are no longer than other days: they just can seem like it.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 18, 2017 12:29 pm  #3


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

JenS,

I've been there..

Take your family up on their offer.  Tell him to go find somewhere to go.

I spent the one Christmas with my GX actively cheating...she couldnt even tone it down for Christmas.

It takes great strength.  I got through it proving to myself that my real authentic love for my kids surpassed any if her understanding.   

Steady on.  It is a season that these spouses/exspouses do not understand.

Last edited by Rob (December 18, 2017 12:35 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 18, 2017 4:36 pm  #4


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

Hi Jen

It is good to see all the good advice from the posters.  everything they said - you're getting divorced and spending Christmas apart is where you are heading.

stay safe and wishing you a very happy time for the holidays.   

 

December 18, 2017 4:48 pm  #5


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

Please don't listen to people about the kids being older meaning that it's easier.  People who haven't divorced always seem to think that older is better.  People who are divorced will tell you quite the opposite - that the younger the kids are, the better they acclimate to the change.  I've known a few people who waited until their kids were out of H.S., only to take a bomb to their children's home base so that there is no true "Home" to come home to on breaks.  It is MUCH better to take a few years to get settled back to a new norm before your kids have to deal with such life changes.  Trust me on this one.

If your husband has been abusive to you and/or the kids (especially physically), there are ways to get him out of the house for your own safety.  You can go and get a restraining order (or order of protection) that bars him from the house, or from contact with you at all.  It's not difficult, and can be done the SAME.DAY you go to court.  You can literally get up, go to court, have them help you figure out the paperwork and what protection is best for you, and then have a judge hear your case and grant (or deny) you the order that same day.  In Illinois in the U.S. where I live, that's good for two weeks, and then the person the order is against has the right to go back to court to plead their case.  If they don't show, the protection order is automatically extended - for up to two years (at the judge's discretion).  This only happens if YOU show and they don't, or if you show and ask that the order be continued and the judge believes your story over his.  These judges do NOT want to have blood on their hands - they'd rather grant the order on behalf of an abused woman than say no and have her injured/killed.

The sheriff's department will get the order the same day as it's granted, and they will come to the house (or go to where your spouse is) and make sure he knows of the order.  They will give him a few minutes to collect his things (while they watch), and then boom - he's gone.  I don't suggest this as a way to get non abusive people out of the house, because that's abusing the system.  But if he IS abusing you - even mentally - and especially if he's abusing the children in any way at all - take advantage of this protection.  He'll figure out some place to live.  He's a grown-ass man.  If he breaks the order at all (either by showing up, or contacting you, etc. - depending on the parameters of your order), you call the police and they put him right in jail.

As for the holidays, take your family up on their offer.  You can even do both things - get him out, and then while you know the house is protected from him, take the kids to your family.  He doesn't have to know no one's home.  Just set a few timers on the house and ask someone to take the mail in.  He will be none the wiser.  Change the locks on the doors the day he leaves.  The divorce can go MUCH more quickly (and you can have much more peace of mind) once he's gone and you can breathe again.

Keep well.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (December 18, 2017 4:51 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

December 19, 2017 12:08 pm  #6


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

This thread has some good advice on getting through the holidays if you haven't read it yet. 

http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=873
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 20, 2017 11:58 am  #7


Re: How Do I Get Through the Holidays

This is tough.  Just back from a trip with the guys and I am home alone with her.  That didn't go well.  She is way a head.  Doesn't really care how hurt I am.  Really mad that I want to tell my parents before Christmas here.  She was surprised that I thought it was harder that she is leaving because she wants a woman compared to another man!   This is insane.  The woman I met and married is so long gone.  So gone.  Sucks.  It is a bit mean and spiteful now.  Can't be around her.

 

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