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December 17, 2017 4:19 pm  #11


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

If your husband is like mine, anal penetration is about "feeling like a woman," woman being defined in his mind as what I've seen described as "f*ckable object." In acting as a "f*ckable object," he believes he's acting like a woman and feeling the way women feel (subordinate, passive, etc). 
 How does this make me feel?  As a feminist, furious, because woman is not to be defined in relation to men and in relation to what use men can make of her.  Women are human beings in their own right, just as men are, complete in and of themselves, and defined by their own properties independent of their use to men.  As a heterosexual woman who sees her husband try to pretend he has a female body and female sexual response when he has no idea what women feel in their bodies other than by watching me (I call it "creeping on me") or from cultural ideas of woman--ideas that are broadly misogynistic and especially so in pornography--and who eschews penis-in-vagina sex because he sees this as asking him to be "more male," unhappy and unsatisfied. 
  As you have done, I participated fully in his fantasies in an attempt to accommodate his desires; as you will discover, if you haven't already, this does not earn you any reciprocal attempts to satisfy your heterosexuality--except, apparently, by other males while he watches, and probably fantasizes that he is you, being penetrated.  Eventually I came to my senses (that's the way I think of it now).  My current position is that we have incompatible sexualities, which creates a barrier we cannot surmount, and I have consulted a lawyer and am making plans to end my 35 year marriage.  
  Frankly, I cannot wait to put all things trans in the rear view mirror and get on with living my life, free of the burden of dealing with his paraphilia and all its attendant disorders. 

 

Let me just say. YOU GO GIRL! You have so much courage to leave. I know how scary it can feel.  I hope I can keep my resolve as well. I am talking with him today. I need to hear him say it to me. Admit some truths. Idk why.

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

December 17, 2017 4:22 pm  #12


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

And BTW, I feel as you do in him trying to feel like a woman. Its is so demeaning. I have low self-esteem and look for male attention now. But now that I see it, I am trying to keep it in check.

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December 17, 2017 4:55 pm  #13


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

It's taken me almost three years!  In the first three months after he disclosed to me he believed he was "transgendered," I was making progress and plans to leave.  I said I wanted a divorce.  I was grieving, but I was determined.  And then, not knowing about "hoovering" and "love bombing" and "hysterical bonding," I fell right down the rabbit hole, and it took me a good year and a half to claw myself back out.  Thankfully over the time since he first dropped his bomb, March 2015, I have been able to spend long periods of time--months at a time at least twice a year--away from him.  I will again be spending time away in Feb and March, and before I return home, I will be telling him that by the end of summer I want us to to be living apart and divorced.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  
  Watch out for attempts to draw you back in.  And resist them.

 

December 17, 2017 4:56 pm  #14


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

I totally get it about having your self-esteem attacked.  Nothing like your husband's claiming "woman" and "femininity" and defining it in ways that exclude you (hairless, femme-y) to make you feel like a faulty woman.  

 

December 17, 2017 5:00 pm  #15


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

It's taken me almost three years!  In the first three months after he disclosed to me he believed he was "transgendered," I was making progress and plans to leave.  I said I wanted a divorce.  I was grieving, but I was determined.  And then, not knowing about "hoovering" and "love bombing" and "hysterical bonding," I fell right down the rabbit hole, and it took me a good year and a half to claw myself back out.  Thankfully over the time since he first dropped his bomb, March 2015, I have been able to spend long periods of time--months at a time at least twice a year--away from him.  I will again be spending time away in Feb and March, and before I return home, I will be telling him that by the end of summer I want us to to be living apart and divorced.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  
  Watch out for attempts to draw you back in.  And resist them.

 
I wish you all the best! You deserve your true happiness. 


what is "hoovering" and "hysterical bonding"?

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December 17, 2017 5:17 pm  #16


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

"Hoovering" is an attempt to get you to recommit, like "vacuuming you back up."  It's done by a few key manipulations on their part: "love bombing" (declaring their undying love, swearing they'll change, buying you gifts or otherwise "bombing" you with love) and "pity poor me" (in which they try to hook you with a story of how rough it is for them, working on your natural compassion and your habit of putting them first).  "Hysterical bonding" is a term from psychology; it's defined as seeking comfort from the one who hurts you.  When your partner hurts you with revelations that destroy your idea of your marriage (by cheating, by revealing they're gay/lesbian/trans; etc) you are desperate to "win them back" or "resecure your marriage" or "prove your worth as a partner"; for many people, myself included, hysterical bonding takes place in the form of having sex with them, which has the effect of re-cementing you to the relationship, mostly to your own detriment, either because your partner intends to leave anyway (as in a cheating spouse, gay or straight, who is leaving to pursue a life with another person or as a different person) or because your partner wants you to re-commit for his or her own purposes (to act as a "beard," for example).
   I fell victim to my husband's plea to help him and comfort him because thinking of how hard transition was going to be made him feel sad, and then to sex, which got me involved in exploring the whole autogynephilic dynamic.  It took months for the truth that I was only of use to him to sink in--he didn't love me, he just needed me as a prop in his drama.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 17, 2017 5:18 pm)

 

December 17, 2017 5:20 pm  #17


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Tyurk, my ex also admitted he wanted to have sex with a tranny (actually that revelation came out a year ago today) which was NOT what I expected to hear when I jokingly asked him if he wanted to have sex with a ladyboy! That totally spoiled Christmas last year, couldn't get it off my mind...then not long after the whole sorry cross-dressing and advertising for sex with trannies and crossdressers came tumbling out, well, part admitted, part me being detective.

OOHC, that is some info there! I think know it all then there's always more and another a-ha moment! How do these people evolve to be so complicated?!

Well, as sad as I am about it all, being alone is so much better than 24/7 worry about being with someone who fantasises about penises and advertises behind my back, oh and lies and gaslights. It was making me ill, borderline self-harming during our worst fights and constant fight or flight feelings.

No- one is worth that, I hope you get to a point where you can get your peace of mind back. This is such a hard thing to deal with...and hard to stop your mind going over and over it and driving you insane.

 

December 17, 2017 5:28 pm  #18


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Duped, So sorry this is the sad anniversary of your own particular trans bomb.  It does seem as if the more one reads and re-frames/re-writes the past the more one realizes (those A-ha! moments).  I think those moments are necessary steps in freeing us from being stuck; they may feel like obsessional thinking sometimes, but I think they're necessary processing, which help us build new selves that will help us choose better, develop better boundaries, and help us to understand we deserve better in the future.  Here's to future us, secure and happy!  And trans-free!

 

December 17, 2017 5:37 pm  #19


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Thanks OOHC - that admission was, of course, followed by more confusing gaslighting for a while...and how he had just "thought about it" ha..."thought" a darn lot and for many years it turns out!! then the bomb really hit, and then the bomblets...you all know how that goes.

But yes, here's to a straight, normal future for us both!

Tyurk, I hope you can gather the strength to join us

Last edited by Duped (December 17, 2017 5:38 pm)

 

December 18, 2017 11:47 pm  #20


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

"Hoovering" is an attempt to get you to recommit, like "vacuuming you back up."  It's done by a few key manipulations on their part: "love bombing" (declaring their undying love, swearing they'll change, buying you gifts or otherwise "bombing" you with love) and "pity poor me" (in which they try to hook you with a story of how rough it is for them, working on your natural compassion and your habit of putting them first).  "Hysterical bonding" is a term from psychology; it's defined as seeking comfort from the one who hurts you.  When your partner hurts you with revelations that destroy your idea of your marriage (by cheating, by revealing they're gay/lesbian/trans; etc) you are desperate to "win them back" or "resecure your marriage" or "prove your worth as a partner"; for many people, myself included, hysterical bonding takes place in the form of having sex with them, which has the effect of re-cementing you to the relationship, mostly to your own detriment, either because your partner intends to leave anyway (as in a cheating spouse, gay or straight, who is leaving to pursue a life with another person or as a different person) or because your partner wants you to re-commit for his or her own purposes (to act as a "beard," for example).
   I fell victim to my husband's plea to help him and comfort him because thinking of how hard transition was going to be made him feel sad, and then to sex, which got me involved in exploring the whole autogynephilic dynamic.  It took months for the truth that I was only of use to him to sink in--he didn't love me, he just needed me as a prop in his drama.

OOHC Thank you. I can see now that these techniques are being used. I cant tell what is even genuine anymore because I dont trust 100%of what I hear. Lately, he has been watching hypno sissy porn AND straight hypno porn. He says its about the "dirty talk". Being told to "take it" "you want cock" ect. I feel like the straight shit is just for "show" on his video history. He brought up the straight ones specifically, like that is supposed to make me feel better. He claims he is addicted to porn. I have been distant for at leaat 3 weeks. All of the sudden 1 week ago he throws his dildo away and stops watching all this tranny/sissy porn. When he told me this yesterday, i said i only think you threw it away for now cause you knew I was distant. He claims it was on his own accord. He says he doesnt like how it makes him feel; constantly thinking about sex, wanting to watch porn all the time, and he doesnt want to take time from his family and positive things. But he has tried to stop before. He goes a few months and needs to satisfy himself with anal penetration. I told him a year ago I am trying to accept this and that he cant change it. I told him he could do what he needs like watching porn and getting a dildo for himself. Obviously no contact with any people, no cheating. But I am trying to support who he really is while I figure out if I can/want to be married to a BI man. And when I feel upset with certain things I find, he is saying "I thought you said it was ok" and that just makes me feel like crap. I want to be ok with it. I am trying. But seeing the videos telling him to take it and he only wants cock hurts pretty bad. And then there is the its just sex. And "i dont need to have sex with a tranny. I want to. But if that means losing you I can go without it forever"
im scared to believe these things. He has been saying this for the last 6 years. I caught him talking to a tranny online 6 years ago but i have not ever caught him again. He swears his loyalty since then. But as you can see that has caused major damage. 

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