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December 16, 2017 2:14 pm  #1


Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Hello,

I have been married for 7, almost 8 years now. I have known my husband since we were 9. I am 29. He is 28. He proposed his interest in transgenders to me 2 years into our marriage. We had 1 child already. We always had and still do have great sex, which he constantly initiates. When he brought the tranny porn to me I was immediately uncomfortable and turned off. I never wanted to marry a gay or bi man. I am straight (and yes i have experimented with women, not my thing). But not wanting to lose him, I tried to please him and his needs. I participated in sex acts with him that completely turned me off; i let him dress up wig, heels,outfit, makeup and all and used a strap on.

A few months later, i was paying bills one day and we didnt have enough money to pay them. I checked our bank account and started finding odd charges. After looking into it deeper, i found out that for at least 6 months he had been paying for tranny porn, phone calls, live videos and even 2 subscriptions to 2 different web sites to meet and chat with Trannys or other people. I was disgusted, devastated, angry, scared and confused. I printed out pages and pages of evidence. Bank statements, chat histories (i was able to hack  into 1 of the accounts and read the messages) where he talked about wanting to suck this trannys cock.
I proposed all this evidence and wanted to leave. He admitted he had been doing this for over a year, and wasting our money. He begged me to stay, said he could stop and change it. He swore he wasnt gay. He swore he never would have "actually" met up with the tranny he talked to or any other. He said he is attracted to trannys only, not men. Just the dick part. Which, hello?! Is what makes a man a man biologically! This is the hardest thing to make sense of, for me. Gay is gay.
His parents got involved and convinced me to stay and try to work it out. And i did. Even though my gut told me to run. We kinda just went back to life as normal but delved into church heavily. And in my heart I have tried to forgive him, but i cant fully trust him now. Never again. How could I???
He tried to suppress he urges to masturbate to tranny porn and sodomize himself. I would occasionally ask him how it was going. Was he struggling? How were his urges? He always said he still felt the urge but wasnt acting on it.
Last year I started having a lot of thoughts rising up about it again and i asked him if he had been hiding anything from me. He told me he had weak moments every few months. And occasionally he would wear my underwear and masturbate and use my dildos! I was betrayed again and i broke up with him for a few months. We now have 2 kids, a house, a life. I decided again to try to work this out. To accept it. I told him "I accept you  and i dont want you to have to pretend or suppress your needs anymore."
That was last year. Since then, he has bought his own dildo and watches tranny porn frequently. I have also recently found subliminal porn on his phone. Subliminal porn to only want women....? What does that mean?! He wants sex all the time, i didn't think he had a problem with desiring females?! Does he? Dear God, the answer scares me.


This is the last straw for me. Its causing so much insecurities.

I am so scared he is watching it because he KNOWS he is gay and doesnt want to be. I have been in denial for a long time. I never wanted to be married to a bi or gay man. I am pissed he didnt tell me before we married. I didn't sign up for this. The denial is liftng but its still there too. I am still trying to make excuses for why he would feel he needs to be convinced to only love pussy. I am thinking maybe he hates that part of himself and wants to change it. Or he feels me pulling away and thats why he is trying to change it. Or is he so scared that he is just full on gay now? I dont know. But i am thinking of divorce. I love him, but i cant get over this. I cant keep pretending he doesn't do this stuff. I would appreciate the chance to talk to other peoplein a similar situation. I need some support.

Last edited by Tyurk (December 16, 2017 3:45 pm)

 

December 16, 2017 2:58 pm  #2


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

So sorry you find yourself here Tyurk, this is so hard for you.

I also found my ex pretty much doing everything you have described. Same claims that it's the penis, not men that he was interested in. But then I also found videos of normal men masturbating so that didn't really wash. However this is a frequent claim of autogynephiles (men who are sexually aroused at the thought of themselves as women) it seems they want the penetration experience but yes "sucking cock" also features heavily. I still struggle to understand any of it myself but I do think there's a great deal of denial around their interest in men. Many of these types who go on to live as if they were women do profess a sexual interest in men (I know one in person apart from my ex, that one was married previously but now seems to act like a woman who wants a man).

Your story shows that despite the promises to stop, it never stops. I left the day I found out (yes I saw him a few times after and did some silly hysterical bonding which I regret but it was part of my process) but I wasn't married fortunately and no kids.

It sounds like you've had enough and I totally understand that, I'm completely with you. It's demoralising, causes so much insecurity and how can we even compete with a real penis? I can't, I don't have one and if the fantasies are all about penises what hope did I have?!

Your experience of great sex wasn't mine, my ex was too wrapped up in tranny porn, forced feminisation, humiltion porn (where they coax out his "homosexual feelings") and filming himself as a feminised man (I refuse to call him anything other than a man) to have much genuine passion for me.

There are a few of us here who have dealt with this, we too are still struggling to understand it but if it helps, you are not alone, please continue to post and we can try and support you.

 

December 16, 2017 3:35 pm  #3


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Duped,
Thank you for the reply. Im glad I found this site, I cant believe how many of us there are who are experiencing this, the denial.
I think his consistent attraction to me has also made this very confusing. But ultimately, I am becoming less and less attracted to him the more I accept it. Its like you said, how can we compete with a penis? And the stress of worrying about it is more than I can take. Good for you forleaving when you had the chance before marriage and kids. I wish I was given the choice, which I will always resent..

I appreciate all the support.

     Thread Starter
 

December 16, 2017 4:45 pm  #4


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

"His parents got involved and convinced me to stay and try to work it out. And i did. Even though my gut told me to run. We kinda just went back to life as normal but delved into church heavily."

To me that tells so much. His religious background will not accept anything other than straight. When he married you his parents were thrilled because if there ever were any doubts in their minds about his interest in women that ended it for them. He'd done what he was supposed to do. And then there were grandchildren!

Unfortunately your husband was not honest with you when you accepted his proposal of marriage. His desires are not going to change but he wants his charade to continue. Fool his parents. Fool his church. Try to fool himself. Keep a wife who'll share his secrets.

In my opinion a marriage built on deception and lies is doomed.  I wish you all the best as you find a way out of his closet.  


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

December 16, 2017 6:49 pm  #5


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Abby,

Thank you for the reply. You are correct. Also, his mother pressured us to marry in the first place because I was pregnant. We were 20, and on and off since 13yrs old..he is my first love.

     Thread Starter
 

December 17, 2017 12:22 pm  #6


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Welcome Tyurk, 

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.  It's interesting to me that your husband does initiate sex with you and you see to have an active sex life.  That must makes things even more confusing for you.  I'll leave the advice on the tranny porn to Duped and Abby and others here who are more well-versed.   But know that we are all here for you and we will support you as much as we can.  Welcome.. you are one of us!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 17, 2017 12:30 pm  #7


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Tyurk,
  I'm another woman whose husband displays some of the same sexual behaviors and desires yours does: wearing my underwear and dressing in women's lingerie and clothing, wanting to be anally penetrated and anally penetrating himself, watching tranny porn but not wanting to be intimate with a man.  My husband is what is called an autogynephile, or "a man who is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a woman."  
  I would recommend that you read Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and Ann Lawrence's "Becoming What We Love."  You might also find some posts helpful on 4th Wave Now, a blog for trans-resisting parents of children who have declared themselves trans, or the blog "First Do No Harm," which is run by mental health professionals who are skeptical of the dominant narratives around transness.  Below I am going to paste in a segment of a recent post by Drs. Bailey and Blanchard on 4th Wave Now.  It's a description of autogynephilia, a condensed version of what's in Bailey's book; it was written for parents of teen boys. I hope it's helpful to you.
   Here it is:
    Autogynephilia is a male’s sexual arousal by the fantasy of being a woman. That is, autogynephilic males are turned on by thinking about themselves as women, or behaving like women. The typical heterosexual adolescent boy has sexual fantasies about attractive girls or women. The autogynephilic adolescent boy’s may also have such fantasies, but in addition he fantasizes that he is an attractive, sexy woman. The most common behavior associated with autogynephilia during adolescence is fetishistic cross dressing. In this behavior, the adolescent male wears female clothing (typically, lingerie) in private, looks at himself in the mirror, and masturbates. Some autogynephilic males are not only sexually aroused by cross dressing, but also by the idea of having female body parts. These body-related fantasies are especially likely to be associated with gender dysphoria.
It is important to distinguish between autogynephilia and autogynephilic gender dysphoria. Autogynephilia is basically a sexual orientation, and once present does not go away, although its intensity may wax and wane. Autogynephilic gender dysphoria sometimes follows autogynephilia, and is the strong wish to transition from male to female. A male must have autogynephilia to have autogynephilic gender dysphoria, but just because he is autogynephilic doesn’t mean he will be gender dysphoric. Many autogynephilic males live their lives contented to remain male. Furthermore, sometimes autogynephilic gender dysphoria remits so that a male who wanted to change sex no longer does so.
In general, adolescent boys are unlikely to divulge their sexual fantasies to their parents. This is likely especially true of boys with autogynephilia. Furthermore, many boys who engage in cross dressing feel ashamed for doing so. The fact that autogynephilic fantasies and behaviors are largely private is one reason why autogynephilic gender dysphoria usually seems to emerge from nowhere. Another reason is that autogynephilic males are not naturally very feminine. An adolescent boy with autogynephilia does not give off obvious signals of gender nonconformity or gender dysphoria.
It is likely that most autogynephilic males do not pursue gender reassignment, but this is difficult to know. (We would need to conduct a representative survey of all persons born male, asking about both autogynephilia and gender transition. This has not been done and won’t be done anytime soon.) Many males with autogynephilia are content to cross dress occasionally. Some get married to women and many also have children. Family formation is no guarantee against later transition, although that may slow it up somewhat. In past decades, when autogynephilic males have transitioned, they have most often done so during the ages 30-50, after having married women and fathered children. It is possible that autogynephilic males have recently been attempting transition at younger ages, including adolescence.
The relationship between autogynephilia and (autogynephilic-type) gender dysphoria is uncertain. One view is that gender dysphoria may arise as a complication of autogynephilia, depending perhaps on chance events or environmental factors. Another view is that autogynephiles who become progressively gender dysphoric were somewhat different from simple autogynephiles from the beginning (for example, more obsessional). Because we do not actually know the causes of autogynephilia, it is quite difficult to sort out these various interpretations at present.
Autogynephilia—the central motivation of autogynephilic gender dysphoria—can be considered an unusual sexual orientation. As with other kinds of male sexual orientation, we do not know how to change it, and we shouldn’t try. The dilemma is how to live with autogynephilia in a way that allows the most happiness. For some with autogynephilia, this will mean staying male. For others, it will mean transitioning to female.
What do we know about autogynephilic gender dysphoria?
Much of what we know about autogynephilic gender dysphoria comes from research conducted on adults. Most of the early research was conducted by the scientist who developed the theory of autogynephilia, Ray Blanchard. This work was subsequently confirmed and extended by other researchers, especially Anne Lawrence, Michael Bailey, and Bailey’s students.
Blanchard’s research identified two distinct subtypes of gender dysphoria among adult male gender patients. One type, which he called “homosexual gender dysphoria” is identical to childhood onset male gender dysphoria. Males with this condition are homosexual, in the sense that they are attracted to other biological males. Blanchard provided persuasive evidence that the other male gender patients were autogynephilic. We currently favor the theory that there are only two well established kinds of gender dysphoria among males, because no convincing evidence for any other types has been offered. This could change­–we are committed to a scientific open-mindedness. In particular, it is possible that some cases of adolescent-onset gender dysphoria among males are essentially the same as Rapid-onset Gender Dysphoria that occurs among natal females. This will require more research to establish, however.
Autogynephilia is a probably rare, although it is difficult to know for certain. Among males who seek gender transition, however, it is common. In fact, in Western countries in recent years, including the United States, autogynephilia has accounted for at least 75% of cases of male-to-female transsexualism.
Given how important autogynephilia is for understanding gender dysphoria, it may surprise you that you had never heard of it. Autogynephilia remains a largely hidden idea because most people–including journalists, families, and many males with autogynephilia–strongly prefer the standard, though false, narrative: “Transsexualism is about having the mind of one sex in the body of the other sex.” Many people find this narrative both easier to understand and less disturbing than the idea that some males want a sex change because they find that idea strongly erotic.
Although many autogynephilic males find discovery of the idea of autogynephilia to be a positive revelation–autogynephilia has been as puzzling to them as it is to you–some others are enraged at the idea. There are two main reasons why some autogynephilic males are in denial. First, they correctly believe that many people find a sexual explanation of gender dysphoria unappealing–discomfort with sexuality is rampant. Second, they find this explanation of their own feelings less satisfying than the standard “woman trapped in man’s body” explanation. This is because autogynephilia is a male trait, and autogynephilia is about wanting to be female.
It is good to be aware of autogynephilia’s controversial status, because transgender activists are often hostile to the idea. You will not learn more about it from the activists. And if your son has frequented internet discussions, he may also resent the idea. We emphasize that autogynephilia is controversial for social reasons, not for scientific ones. No scientific data have seriously challenged it.
Sexuality
Males with autogynephilia can have a variety of autogynephilic fantasies and interests, from cross dressing to fantasizing about having female bodies to enjoying (for erotic reasons) stereotypical female activities such as knitting to fantasizing about being pregnant or menstruating. One study found that autogynephilic males who fantasize about having female genitalia also tended to be those with the greatest gender dysphoria.
 
Autogynephilic males sometimes identify as heterosexual (i.e., attracted exclusively to women); sometimes as bisexual (attracted to both men and women), and sometimes as asexual (i.e., attracted to no individuals). Blanchard’s work has shown that autogynephilia can be thought of as a type of male heterosexuality, one that is inwardly directed. Autogynephilia often coexists with outward-directed heterosexuality, and so autogynephilic males usually say they are also attracted to women. Some autogynephilic males enjoy the idea that they are attractive, as women, to other men. They may have sexual fantasies about having sex with men (in the female role); some may even act on these fantasies. This accounts for the bisexual identification among some autogynephilic males. In some others, the intensity of the autogynephilia–which is attraction to an imagined “inner woman”–is so great that there are no erotic feelings left for other people. This accounts for asexual identification. (Asexual autogynephilic males have plenty of sexual fantasies, but these fantasies tend not to involve other people.)
When autogynephilic males receive female hormones as part of their gender transition, they typically experience a noticeable decrease in their sex drive. Some have reported that this has diminished their desire for gender transition as well. Others, however, have reported no change in their desire for transition. (In any case, hormonal therapy is a medical intervention with serious potential side effects, and we do not recommend it as a way to treat gender dysphoria, except in cases in which after very careful consideration, gender transition is pursued.)
Autogynephilia is a paraphilia, meaning an unusual sexual interest nearly exclusively found in males.
 
We repeat: Autogynephilia is a sexual orientation–to be sure, an unusual orientation that is difficult to understand. There is no evidence that parents can change their children’s sexual orientations. And we don’t think they should try.

What should you do?
Consistent with our values, knowledge, and common sense, we believe that males with autogynephilic gender dysphoria should not pursue gender transition right away, as soon as they first have the idea. Transition ultimately requires serious medical procedures with irreversible consequences. But we are unsure what the right approach to autogynephilic gender dysphoria is. In part, this is because there has been too little outcome research conducted by scientists knowledgeable and open about autogynephilia.
First, we recommend that your son be informed about autogynephilia. The best way to do this is up to you. There is probably no non-awkward way. Consider showing them this blog. People should make important life decisions based upon facts, and for males autogynephilic gender dysphoria, autogynephilia is a fact. The standard “female mind/brain in male body” is a fiction.
Some males become less motivated to pursue gender change when they understand their autogynephilia. However, some do not become less motivated. We know far less about patterns of persistence and desistance of autogynephilic gender dysphoria than we do about childhood onset gender dysphoria.
If an autogynephilic male has become familiar with the scientific evidence, has patiently considered the potential consequences of gender transition over a non-trivial time period, and still wishes to transition, we do not oppose this decision. It is possible that many autogynephilic males are happier after gender transition. But there is no rush for any adolescent to decide.
 

 

December 17, 2017 12:33 pm  #8


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

Phoenix,

Thank you for your support. It is confusing. Dont get me wrong, im glad I at least feel he is sexually attracted to me.  But it's the attraction to men that makes me sick with him. He seems like less of a man to me and im sorry if that offends any of you. Now that ive seen him the way I have, it has never been the same.

Thanks again.

     Thread Starter
 

December 17, 2017 12:51 pm  #9


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Tyurk,
  I'm another woman whose husband displays some of the same sexual behaviors and desires yours does: wearing my underwear and dressing in women's lingerie and clothing, wanting to be anally penetrated and anally penetrating himself, watching tranny porn but not wanting to be intimate with a man.  My husband is what is called an autogynephile, or "a man who is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a woman."  
  I would recommend that you read Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and Ann Lawrence's "Becoming What We Love."  You might also find some posts helpful on 4th Wave Now, a blog for trans-resisting parents of children who have declared themselves trans, or the blog "First Do No Harm," which is run by mental health professionals who are skeptical of the dominant narratives around transness.  Below I am going to paste in a segment of a recent post by Drs. Bailey and Blanchard on 4th Wave Now.  It's a description of autogynephilia, a condensed version of what's in Bailey's book; it was written for parents of teen boys. I hope it's helpful to you.
   Here it is:
    Autogynephilia is a male’s sexual arousal by the fantasy of being a woman. That is, autogynephilic males are turned on by thinking about themselves as women, or behaving like women. The typical heterosexual adolescent boy has sexual fantasies about attractive girls or women. The autogynephilic adolescent boy’s may also have such fantasies, but in addition he fantasizes that he is an attractive, sexy woman. The most common behavior associated with autogynephilia during adolescence is fetishistic cross dressing. In this behavior, the adolescent male wears female clothing (typically, lingerie) in private, looks at himself in the mirror, and masturbates. Some autogynephilic males are not only sexually aroused by cross dressing, but also by the idea of having female body parts. These body-related fantasies are especially likely to be associated with gender dysphoria.
It is important to distinguish between autogynephilia and autogynephilic gender dysphoria. Autogynephilia is basically a sexual orientation, and once present does not go away, although its intensity may wax and wane. Autogynephilic gender dysphoria sometimes follows autogynephilia, and is the strong wish to transition from male to female. A male must have autogynephilia to have autogynephilic gender dysphoria, but just because he is autogynephilic doesn’t mean he will be gender dysphoric. Many autogynephilic males live their lives contented to remain male. Furthermore, sometimes autogynephilic gender dysphoria remits so that a male who wanted to change sex no longer does so.
In general, adolescent boys are unlikely to divulge their sexual fantasies to their parents. This is likely especially true of boys with autogynephilia. Furthermore, many boys who engage in cross dressing feel ashamed for doing so. The fact that autogynephilic fantasies and behaviors are largely private is one reason why autogynephilic gender dysphoria usually seems to emerge from nowhere. Another reason is that autogynephilic males are not naturally very feminine. An adolescent boy with autogynephilia does not give off obvious signals of gender nonconformity or gender dysphoria.
It is likely that most autogynephilic males do not pursue gender reassignment, but this is difficult to know. (We would need to conduct a representative survey of all persons born male, asking about both autogynephilia and gender transition. This has not been done and won’t be done anytime soon.) Many males with autogynephilia are content to cross dress occasionally. Some get married to women and many also have children. Family formation is no guarantee against later transition, although that may slow it up somewhat. In past decades, when autogynephilic males have transitioned, they have most often done so during the ages 30-50, after having married women and fathered children. It is possible that autogynephilic males have recently been attempting transition at younger ages, including adolescence.
The relationship between autogynephilia and (autogynephilic-type) gender dysphoria is uncertain. One view is that gender dysphoria may arise as a complication of autogynephilia, depending perhaps on chance events or environmental factors. Another view is that autogynephiles who become progressively gender dysphoric were somewhat different from simple autogynephiles from the beginning (for example, more obsessional). Because we do not actually know the causes of autogynephilia, it is quite difficult to sort out these various interpretations at present.
Autogynephilia—the central motivation of autogynephilic gender dysphoria—can be considered an unusual sexual orientation. As with other kinds of male sexual orientation, we do not know how to change it, and we shouldn’t try. The dilemma is how to live with autogynephilia in a way that allows the most happiness. For some with autogynephilia, this will mean staying male. For others, it will mean transitioning to female.
What do we know about autogynephilic gender dysphoria?
Much of what we know about autogynephilic gender dysphoria comes from research conducted on adults. Most of the early research was conducted by the scientist who developed the theory of autogynephilia, Ray Blanchard. This work was subsequently confirmed and extended by other researchers, especially Anne Lawrence, Michael Bailey, and Bailey’s students.
Blanchard’s research identified two distinct subtypes of gender dysphoria among adult male gender patients. One type, which he called “homosexual gender dysphoria” is identical to childhood onset male gender dysphoria. Males with this condition are homosexual, in the sense that they are attracted to other biological males. Blanchard provided persuasive evidence that the other male gender patients were autogynephilic. We currently favor the theory that there are only two well established kinds of gender dysphoria among males, because no convincing evidence for any other types has been offered. This could change­–we are committed to a scientific open-mindedness. In particular, it is possible that some cases of adolescent-onset gender dysphoria among males are essentially the same as Rapid-onset Gender Dysphoria that occurs among natal females. This will require more research to establish, however.
Autogynephilia is a probably rare, although it is difficult to know for certain. Among males who seek gender transition, however, it is common. In fact, in Western countries in recent years, including the United States, autogynephilia has accounted for at least 75% of cases of male-to-female transsexualism.
Given how important autogynephilia is for understanding gender dysphoria, it may surprise you that you had never heard of it. Autogynephilia remains a largely hidden idea because most people–including journalists, families, and many males with autogynephilia–strongly prefer the standard, though false, narrative: “Transsexualism is about having the mind of one sex in the body of the other sex.” Many people find this narrative both easier to understand and less disturbing than the idea that some males want a sex change because they find that idea strongly erotic.
Although many autogynephilic males find discovery of the idea of autogynephilia to be a positive revelation–autogynephilia has been as puzzling to them as it is to you–some others are enraged at the idea. There are two main reasons why some autogynephilic males are in denial. First, they correctly believe that many people find a sexual explanation of gender dysphoria unappealing–discomfort with sexuality is rampant. Second, they find this explanation of their own feelings less satisfying than the standard “woman trapped in man’s body” explanation. This is because autogynephilia is a male trait, and autogynephilia is about wanting to be female.
It is good to be aware of autogynephilia’s controversial status, because transgender activists are often hostile to the idea. You will not learn more about it from the activists. And if your son has frequented internet discussions, he may also resent the idea. We emphasize that autogynephilia is controversial for social reasons, not for scientific ones. No scientific data have seriously challenged it.
Sexuality
Males with autogynephilia can have a variety of autogynephilic fantasies and interests, from cross dressing to fantasizing about having female bodies to enjoying (for erotic reasons) stereotypical female activities such as knitting to fantasizing about being pregnant or menstruating. One study found that autogynephilic males who fantasize about having female genitalia also tended to be those with the greatest gender dysphoria.
 
Autogynephilic males sometimes identify as heterosexual (i.e., attracted exclusively to women); sometimes as bisexual (attracted to both men and women), and sometimes as asexual (i.e., attracted to no individuals). Blanchard’s work has shown that autogynephilia can be thought of as a type of male heterosexuality, one that is inwardly directed. Autogynephilia often coexists with outward-directed heterosexuality, and so autogynephilic males usually say they are also attracted to women. Some autogynephilic males enjoy the idea that they are attractive, as women, to other men. They may have sexual fantasies about having sex with men (in the female role); some may even act on these fantasies. This accounts for the bisexual identification among some autogynephilic males. In some others, the intensity of the autogynephilia–which is attraction to an imagined “inner woman”–is so great that there are no erotic feelings left for other people. This accounts for asexual identification. (Asexual autogynephilic males have plenty of sexual fantasies, but these fantasies tend not to involve other people.)
When autogynephilic males receive female hormones as part of their gender transition, they typically experience a noticeable decrease in their sex drive. Some have reported that this has diminished their desire for gender transition as well. Others, however, have reported no change in their desire for transition. (In any case, hormonal therapy is a medical intervention with serious potential side effects, and we do not recommend it as a way to treat gender dysphoria, except in cases in which after very careful consideration, gender transition is pursued.)
Autogynephilia is a paraphilia, meaning an unusual sexual interest nearly exclusively found in males.
 
We repeat: Autogynephilia is a sexual orientation–to be sure, an unusual orientation that is difficult to understand. There is no evidence that parents can change their children’s sexual orientations. And we don’t think they should try.

What should you do?
Consistent with our values, knowledge, and common sense, we believe that males with autogynephilic gender dysphoria should not pursue gender transition right away, as soon as they first have the idea. Transition ultimately requires serious medical procedures with irreversible consequences. But we are unsure what the right approach to autogynephilic gender dysphoria is. In part, this is because there has been too little outcome research conducted by scientists knowledgeable and open about autogynephilia.
First, we recommend that your son be informed about autogynephilia. The best way to do this is up to you. There is probably no non-awkward way. Consider showing them this blog. People should make important life decisions based upon facts, and for males autogynephilic gender dysphoria, autogynephilia is a fact. The standard “female mind/brain in male body” is a fiction.
Some males become less motivated to pursue gender change when they understand their autogynephilia. However, some do not become less motivated. We know far less about patterns of persistence and desistance of autogynephilic gender dysphoria than we do about childhood onset gender dysphoria.
If an autogynephilic male has become familiar with the scientific evidence, has patiently considered the potential consequences of gender transition over a non-trivial time period, and still wishes to transition, we do not oppose this decision. It is possible that many autogynephilic males are happier after gender transition. But there is no rush for any adolescent to decide.
 

WOW! This is alot if great information. Thank you so much! Helps me decide what questions to ask him. I dont think he believes he is bi. But he admits he wants to be fucked by a tranny.

So i am so glad to meet you as we are in similar situations. Are you still together? How does his sexuality make you feel?

     Thread Starter
 

December 17, 2017 3:52 pm  #10


Re: Still in denial. Is he gay or bi?

If your husband is like mine, anal penetration is about "feeling like a woman," woman being defined in his mind as what I've seen described as "f*ckable object." In acting as a "f*ckable object," he believes he's acting like a woman and feeling the way women feel (subordinate, passive, etc). 
 How does this make me feel?  As a feminist, furious, because woman is not to be defined in relation to men and in relation to what use men can make of her.  Women are human beings in their own right, just as men are, complete in and of themselves, and defined by their own properties independent of their use to men.  As a heterosexual woman who sees her husband try to pretend he has a female body and female sexual response when he has no idea what women feel in their bodies other than by watching me (I call it "creeping on me") or from cultural ideas of woman--ideas that are broadly misogynistic and especially so in pornography--and who eschews penis-in-vagina sex because he sees this as asking him to be "more male," unhappy and unsatisfied. 
  As you have done, I participated fully in his fantasies in an attempt to accommodate his desires; as you will discover, if you haven't already, this does not earn you any reciprocal attempts to satisfy your heterosexuality--except, apparently, by other males while he watches, and probably fantasizes that he is you, being penetrated.  Eventually I came to my senses (that's the way I think of it now).  My current position is that we have incompatible sexualities, which creates a barrier we cannot surmount, and I have consulted a lawyer and am making plans to end my 35 year marriage.  
  Frankly, I cannot wait to put all things trans in the rear view mirror and get on with living my life, free of the burden of dealing with his paraphilia and all its attendant disorders. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 17, 2017 3:53 pm)

 

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