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December 15, 2017 12:02 pm  #1


Where to start

Hi all! I am new here and hope to get some support from people who are going through some of the same things. 
I will try not to make this too long to start as there is a lot to tell. 
Last year at about this same time I saw a message on my husbands phone that just said "hey!". I did not recognize the number because it did not have a name attached to it, but it just seemed odd. I guess it was a woman's intuition. I searched the number and did not come up with anything. Then one day while we were staying on the boat, I saw another message that read "next visit I have a special surprise for you". That was it...I started snooping on his phone. As I read the messages I was sick to my stomach. I assumed it was from a female dom. Not until I realized I was reading the message backwards (thinking he was saying these things to her). Once I realized it was a man he was talking to, my world came crashing down around me. It took me nights of searching for information and looking at the history of searches on his computer. He was on several gay hookup sites. I joined them anonymously and found his information. He had stories and posts that made my head spin. I was devastated, confused and angry. What do I do now!? I could not sleep. I was throwing up nightly. Finally he asked me what is wrong. That's when I asked him how long he's been bisexual. He couldn't tell me, but he's been having sex with this man for several years, during the day. I asked him if I needed to be tested and he said no. We talked about me leaving. We talked about working on the marriage. We talked A LOT. He said he didn't want to lose me. He said this man was the only one. I made him introduce me to him. It was awkward (that's whole other story). I've been trying to come to terms with his bisexuality. We experimented in the bedroom. He apparently liked to be dominated. Now he tells me I can demand he do anything, like wearing fishnets etc. A couple months ago I had the feeling he was going out again behind my back. So I went back to snooping. Come to find out that he is going to gay hookup clubs and is back on the gay hookup sites. Now I'm not sure if he's not just bisexual but gay. We've been married 23 years, no children. This man that is (or maybe was) the love of my life has taken so much away from me. I am hurt beyond words. I don't know how to get out of this. I wish I could just blink and be in another life. I have no one to talk to. I can't even talk to my sister. I am too ashamed. And not only are the holidays around the corner, his mom told us last week she has cancer. This is all so complicated . 
Thank you for listening

Last edited by Roo (December 15, 2017 12:19 pm)


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

December 15, 2017 12:45 pm  #2


Re: Where to start

Hi Roo, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  Finding out your spouse is gay is a very devastating experience.  We have all been through it and we are here to help. 

Along with a warm welcome, I'd like to offer you some advice. 
First and foremost, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed or guilty about anything.  None of this is your fault and you have nothing at all to feel ashamed of.  You were tricked, taken advantage of, and cheated.  When we marry someone we are in love with them and we think and expect the best of them.  We should never have to think about questioning their sexuality or their fidelity. 

Secondly, please take care of yourself.  This is a real shock to both mind and body.  Allow yourself to cry, take off work if you need to.  Visit a councilor or therapist.  Find support!!!  We have face-to-face groups in most major cities.  You can find the link on the SSN home page.   You should not be afraid or ashamed to talk to your family about what is happening.  You don't owe him secrecy if doing so makes things harder on you.    One last part of taking care of yourself..  Please go see a Dr.  You need to be tested for STD's for sure.  Most closeted gay men have multiple partners and diseases run rampant.  You might also consider talking to your Dr. about medicine to treat anxiety and sleeping problems if those are issues for you. 

You're in the worst of things right now, but be assured, things will get better.  It takes some time to recover and get your feet under you again.  When you do you can start making decisions about staying married or getting divorced and moving forward with your life.  But don't try to rush those things at this stage.  It will come in time. 

Let us know how we can help you.  Stick around and share.. just writing things out can be a big help. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 15, 2017 1:01 pm  #3


Re: Where to start

Deleted.

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:20 pm)

 

December 15, 2017 1:50 pm  #4


Re: Where to start

Roo,   (what a cool name)

A kind welcome.     It is a shock..  I think we all here know the feeling.. its like someone rips the rug out from under us...I recall all the blood draining from my face..   And the dis-trust eats as you and permeates everything.   It is our mind and body trying to protect us and make sense of it.

As others said..do not feel ashamed..you did nothing wrong..   Please reach out to your sister if you can. ..I reached out to my family..slowly at first.   My gay now ex had really strained/estranged me from them over the years.. I was married decades like you.    You need to build a support system... family, friends, priest, therapist, psychiatrist,   the SSN ..       (one may find a stranger on the street more trustworthy) 

You are in shock... added is the extra stress of the holidays  (these spouses did not think of how it would ruin the holidays  ..he did not think of you).     Please , as a way of coping now, be kind to yourself...
That may include seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for anti-depressants  as we need to still function (and you cannot depend on your husband to help function now)..  

There is an end to it..unseen now ..but an end.   Baby small steps everyday ..always moving forward.

A sincere  e-hug  (virtual but authentic)

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 15, 2017 2:01 pm  #5


Re: Where to start

Thank you for your kind words of support. I’ve been living this nightmare for almost a year now. I think I want to end it but I just don’t know how! I think there is a part of me that thought that he would stop being bi. I’m 57, how does one start over? With no children, I am afraid of dying alone. At least I have lots of nieces and nephews.


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

December 15, 2017 2:20 pm  #6


Re: Where to start

Have you come to grips with the fact that he will never stop being sexually attracted to men?  You need to get yourself to that point because it's true.  In fact, most of us hold that "bisexuality" is in fact a very rare thing and most of our spouses use the term Bi as a way to reduce their guilt.  If they are BI that means they are still attracted to us and in theory wouldn't need another partner to satisfy their urges.  But for almost everyone on the forum, that proved to be a lie.  

You are in a tough spot right now.  All you can see is loss.  But you need not worry about being alone.  You are still young and you have decades of life left.  You can find another man if you chose, or you might find out that you quite enjoy living as a happy single woman.  

I was so scared to be alone, but in the year since I was divorced I have come to genuinely appreciate being single.  While I'd still like to find love again, I can honestly say that I'm ok if I'm single for the rest of my life. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 15, 2017 8:10 pm  #7


Re: Where to start

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:15 pm)

 

December 17, 2017 9:43 am  #8


Re: Where to start

I don’t know if I’ve come to grips with this nightmare yet, but I’ve been ignoring it for too long I guess. I don’t deal well with stress.
I did not sign up for this crap..I’m sure none of us have. My heart hurts.


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

December 17, 2017 11:44 am  #9


Re: Where to start

Roo,

None of us signed up for this.   All we can do is deal with the time given us.    

I'm away from the abuse,  made up stress and drama, and unauthentic companionship..   and for that I am eternally grateful.   

Walk forward.. you/we must go through the valley.  But we are not citizens the  (gay) valley.  We need not build our home in this valley (closet).   It is a season,  a temporary season of unknown length but there is an end.

sincere wishes of comfort and strength


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 17, 2017 4:57 pm  #10


Re: Where to start

I'm wondering, do many of these types of marriages last long or at all given the circumstances? 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
     Thread Starter
 

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