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December 7, 2017 9:04 am  #1


Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

Something is not right, clearly.  There could be a hundred and one reasons as to why, but that doesn't change the fact that something is off.  The wind changes direction frequently with my husband.  He is moody, disconnected, unhappy and unwilling to do anything about it.  Gay, straight, whatever....there comes a point to where enough is enough all ready.

I'm not the only one affected by his "whatever."  We have two adult children living with us and both said in family therapy on our first visit, "dad is a bit of an a$$h&!3."  In that moment I realized, no matter how much I put forth in trying to counteract the horrid tilt of unhappiness here, it was never enough to fill in the cracks of someone who has only been half-present with us.

There was gay porn that I found years ago, a webcam site of hundreds of men's unmentionables, live, in a sort of online orgy venue....I found a craigslist hookup response too in a language that was so very foreign to me.  It was all so devastating and I wish I could erase the junk that was burned into memory back then.  H assured me that he was reenacting his childhood sexual abuse as most survivors do.  We did the counseling gig.  He had my sympathies, he had my support.  I so wanted to believe.  Hey, match action to your promises and let's just see where this goes, right?  I didn't want to look back with regret for not doing everything in my power to save our family.  I set boundaries to where he had to stop watching so much television, spending so much time on the computer and to connect with us in a healthy way.  H took that s/addiction and put it into a side business instead...except the side business became the new wall between himself and our family.  The thing is, his disposition never changed.  H did not continue to work through his issues with a therapist.

I guess my point of this post is that to me H's sexuality is irrelevant.  He is not with us, he is not meeting my needs or the needs of our family.  Like before we are here and he is there, detached.  We invited him to family therapy a couple of weeks ago.  He pitched a fit so that he could stay at home.  Let's see if he pulls himself together to join us this week.

The bottom line, this marriage, this family is broken....now how do we work to fix it?  Life should never be this complicated.

~Detour

 

December 7, 2017 9:20 am  #2


Re: Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

Welcome Detour, 

Sorry you are struggling with your marriage and have to come here.  

You have hit on a crucial point of view that most of us take a long time to reach.  We focus so much on whether or not our spouse is gay (the cause) and not on the reality that they are not treating us well (the effect).  We often like to remind new members that if they removed the homosexuality aspect, behavior their spouses are displaying is still not acceptable. 

It's great that you have found this clarity.  I hope others will read it and find some of the wisdom you have shared. 

Now you are faced with the big choice.  Do you want to continue to work on your marriage or do you pull the plug and move forward with your life?  We certainly can't answer that for you, but we can help you move forward down either of those two paths.  

My advice to you would be to determine what you feel is acceptable in a marriage for the rest of your life.  You get to make this decision and dictate it.  You get to set boundaries for what you deem acceptable behavior.  Your spouse's willingness to change and meet your expectations will determine your future path.  

Stick around my friend..  We are here to help and support you. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 7, 2017 10:30 am  #3


Re: Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

I would like to point out that your husband's years ago explanation that he was "just" acting out childhood sexual trauma doesn't pass the smell test.  There is absolutely no reason he needed to do that on his own, without seeing a therapist first, and without letting you, his wife, into his life, as anyone in a committed relationship would do.  His likely response to what I've just said would be "I was too ashamed."  But he wasn't too ashamed to post on public sites and to engage with people he didn't know and in ways that put you at risk.  
  You went to counseling.  He promised to change and you turned yourself into the marriage police.  He hasn't changed. 
   Through his behavior he's made his position clear, repeatedly, and he has drawn his boundaries: he is not going to change because he is not willing to change, and if you want to stay married to him, you will have to accept life with him as it is.  If you can't accept that, then your way forward is clear. 
  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 7, 2017 10:32 am)

 

December 7, 2017 11:49 am  #4


Re: Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

You've reached a crucial point - one where you've determined that no matter what the labels are, the only label that seems to matter is unhappiness.

Your husband has been behaving exactly the way he's wanted to all these years. He's detached because he wants to be detached.  If he can't do so in one way, he'll find another.  He doesn't want to be an active, present part of your family.  It's confusing because they will SAY otherwise.  But the truth is not in words - it's in patterns of actions.  If he wanted to be fully engaged, he would be.  If you told him that his level of engagement wasn't enough for you, and you then gave examples of how he could be more engaged (stop spending so much time with the TV/computer and more with us), and he doesn't fix it on his OWN, then it's because he's unwilling or unable to fix it.  You are left holding the same package no matter what the reason.  If, after all these years, you still cannot get him to be who you need him to be, then it's because he's either incapable or unwilling to be that person.  Then comes the hard part - deciding if you're okay with that.

When I finally realized that nothing was going to change in my marriage, and that I could not be happy with keeping things the way they were, then I realized that it was up to me to decide what to do.  I'd always been in a loop where I identified what needed to be done, and then delivered that to him (sometimes with examples), and then nothing changed.  So I'd start again.  Once I realized that nothing was going to interrupt this cycle and it would go on endlessly forever, I decided that no - I wasn't willing to CHOOSE this.  I could not see myself being even mildly fulfilled this way, and I decided I wasn't going to keep banging my head against the wall.  I needed to move on.  I knew I stood no chance of finding a happiness if I left - but I was assured that I wouldn't find it if I stayed.  I literally stood more of a chance of finding happiness if I left than if I stayed.  And I wasn't willing to choose unhappiness.

I did find happiness again - very quickly, in fact.  We just passed 6 years since our first date.  We've been married almost 4.5 years now.  Happier than two squirrels with a nut, as they say.  And there is no measure of this happy against what my previous marriage could have been, even on it's best day.  No.Comparison.  I wish I'd left earlier - I really do.  I wasted sooooo many years banging my head against the wall, my self-esteem suffering.  I thought it was noble - even strong.  It wasn't - it was futile.  I'm so glad I had the realization that I wasn't getting anywhere and it was time to shit or get off the pot.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

December 7, 2017 7:28 pm  #5


Re: Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

detour,  No matter what his sexual preference is, like you said, he is obviously a sex/porn addict.  Seems that a lot of progress has been made in the last decade in the understanding about what is behind sexual addiction and the negative impacts on the spouses and families.  I will post a link here for you to read if you would like to, but no matter how informed we become about their problems, they have to be the ones to accept it and want help.  http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/compulsive-abusive-sexual-relational-disorder-casrd/    (Click on each section of the pyramid and see the explanation at the left.)

Last edited by Lynne (December 7, 2017 7:34 pm)

 

January 15, 2018 1:11 am  #6


Re: Yes, No, Maybe, Does it really matter?

Lynne wrote:

detour,  No matter what his sexual preference is, like you said, he is obviously a sex/porn addict.  Seems that a lot of progress has been made in the last decade in the understanding about what is behind sexual addiction and the negative impacts on the spouses and families.  I will post a link here for you to read if you would like to, but no matter how informed we become about their problems, they have to be the ones to accept it and want help.  http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/compulsive-abusive-sexual-relational-disorder-casrd/    (Click on each section of the pyramid and see the explanation at the left.)

Wow!  This is an amazing link. This model seems to describe my STBXGID husband perfectly. Just add in his co-morbid alcohol abuse and we are a textbook case.  Lovely!

 

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